The Enemy Chapter 2

*Author's Note* This has been edited, 1/22/11 Here's a big thank you to those who have reviewed this! THANK YOU!




I was a horrible child. Father hated me and mother was afraid of me. The Enemy controlled everything I did. I was a demon. I broke things, threatened my mother with knives, bit other children so hard they needed stitches, and more. I was awful.
The worst things happened to people with names that began with C. The Enemy hates the letter C. The Enemy hates me, maybe for that reason, but it can use me, so it keeps me alive. I can end it forever. I know I can. But that means ending me. Forever. The best thing for me to do would be to end it. End me. I have the strength to do it somewhere in me. Maybe. Possibly. Probably not.
As I stand in the middle of this rain-slicked road, I think of Claralynn. If I don’t die tonight, she will. I’ve only ever caused her pain. Never, have I done anything good for that angelic girl. She’s the perfect target. The Enemy hates C names and good people. More than that though, the Enemy hates anyone who means something to me, anyone who really shouldn’t die, so those are the people the Enemy makes me kill. Those are the people who die by my hands. There is so much blood on my hands. They are stained forever more.
There is power in names. Maybe if I order myself using our full, entire names, that order will be set in indestructible stone.
I cannot kill Claralynn. Coren Henry Dart will not kill Claralynn Octavia Renoir.
At least I can hope. Ah hope! What a silly notion! When have I last dared to think of that disappointing word? Hope died the day the Enemy came. I guess there really never was hope. Humans, no, creatures like me don’t deserve hope, therefore, it is fitting that I don’t have it.
There is one thing I am absolutely sure of. If Claralynn dies, I will end it forever. In other words: if I kill Claralynn, I will kill myself and the Enemy with me.
The Enemy is silent. I am drenched to the bone. I cannot bring myself to move, I don’t know what will happen if I do. I’m scared, more scared than I have ever been.
Clara, Clara, Claralynn! Clara, Clara, Claralynn! Thick red water! Syrup! Syrup! Bright red syrup! Shiny blades, bloody hearts! Clara, Clara, Claralynn! Clara, Clara, Claralynn!
The Enemy sings it’s predatory song. This is just another horrifying sign that I will lose Claralynn very soon. The Enemy favors creepy tunes with disturbing lyrics. This is the song it always sings before it forces me to kill someone, of course instead of Claralynn the name of the person I’m about to kill is in the song instead. This time the song was worse. Claralynn’s name fit far too well inside the sickening melody.
“No, no! Please no!” I scream. The porch light of a house down the street ignites, illuminating the helpless raindrops being thrown about by the savage wind.
Cor, Cor, Cor. You have made your choice, forcing me to make a choice of my own. Don’t act so surprised, Claralynn’s death was bound to happen one day. She’s the last one Cor, the very last person you’ve ever cared about. How sweet. Now, be a good little boy and say goodbye before she goes.
The Enemy is tempting me. How easily I could climb to Claralynn’s window and enter her room? How easily I could talk to her and be with her? How easily I could plunge a knife into her innocent heart? No, I will not see Claralynn. I must distance myself from her.
Coooreeen. Coooreeen. Listen to me, Cor. I’m your friend. Have I ever let you down? I am the only reason your alive. Do as I ask, Cor, and Claralynn’s death may be less painful than it needs to be.
So there you have it. The Enemy will not relinquish its threats. I know the Enemy well enough to realize that its threats are far from idle.
I knew this day would come. It was always coming, this day. It always hung over my head, like a brooding thundercloud waiting to let loose the rage inside it. The Enemy is striking its final blow. Claralynn is the only one I have left.
Coooreeen. Coooreeen.
The Enemy sings my name with a horrible command hidden beneath it. I cannot, will not, do it. Not this time. I refused to kill the Cedar family, I can refuse to kill Claralynn too. I have a choice. Don’t I? I think of all the years of murder and torture I was a part of. I never thought I had a choice until tonight. What is so different about tonight? What has magically changed? Does it really matter anyway? The Enemy will find a way to kill Claralynn no matter what. There is nothing I can do about it.
If I kill Claralynn there will be no point in living. I’ll die with her. She won’t die in vain. Or will she? I can end it now. I could always end it. But... but what?
I can’t! I can’t kill myself!
I can! I will kill myself.
Claralynn. That is the only person I need to think of. All the meaningless murders I’d committed. All the horrible things I have done for no reason at all. How could I let Claralynn be thrown into my cauldron of pointless and meaningless violence? I can’t. Claralynn is different. She doesn’t belong in the closet with my other skeletons. No. She cannot be my last murder. She cannot die by my hands.
Coooreeen, you know what’s going to happen. You will obey me, just like you always do. Silly boy, you never change. Claralynn abandoned you when that tragedy occurred. But I still stood by you! I, Coren, and only I! She threw you away! I kept you together!
All my senses sharpen. I don’t speak of the tragedy. The Enemy doesn’t speak of the tragedy. The Enemy has just reached a new low. As for me, I have now hit rock bottom. Every day I think of the tragedy. Every day. But the horror of it hasn’t hit me like its hitting me now in a very long time. I feel my knees give out under my body. I fall to the asphalt on hands and knees. It was as if I’d been punched in the gut. I don’t even try to fight off the overwhelming guilt. I let the agony of it wash over me like the rain that’s pouring down. I deserve this. I deserve to feel this way.
Claralynn is the only person, besides me, who knows about the tragedy. It has been six years since I’ve talked to her. All I remember clearly about the night of the tragedy is the look in Claralynn’s eyes when I told her what I’d done.
Terror. It was terror in her eyes that night. She was terrified of me.

Hey,
I wanted to say your edited version of chapter one is better. Chapter two has many of the same characteristics of chapter one. It's almost like we're still being hooked right now. That's fine. I just want to know when things will start becoming clearer. Maybe, you should make this part two of chapter one instead since we're still talking about the same thing. That's just a suggestion though.

time8keeper wrote:

Chapter One
Coren: Age Sixteen

The Enemy controlled everything I did, I was a demon.
This is a run-on. You need a period or conjunction where the comma is.
I broke things, threatened my mother with knives, bit other children so hard they needed stitches, and more. I did awful things.
When you say,"I did awful things," you're just reiterating what you just said in the sentence before. You don't need it.

As I stand in the middle of this muddy road, I think of Claralynn.
I just wanted to point out that you have a muddy road here, which makes me think of a dirt road, and then later on you have an asphalt road. I would clear that up.

I cannot kill Claralynn. Coren Henry Dart will not kill Claralynn Octavia Renoir.
There is power in names. Maybe if I order myself using our full, entire names, that order will be set in indestructible stone.
The order of these two lines are a bit off. I think you should have put the first paragraph after the second.

In other words: If I kill Claralynn, I will kill myself and the Enemy with me.
Don't captalize words after colons.

The Enemy is silent. I am drenched to the bone. I cannot bring myself to move, I don’t know what will happen if I do. I’m scared. More scared than I have ever been.
Because you're describing how scared you, are you would just put a comma and not a period to seperate scared and more.

The Enemy sings it’s predatory song. This is my only warning that I will lose Claralynn very soon.
The fact is, this hasn't been your only warning. He's told you a bunch of times in the last chapter and continues to do so after this.

Cor, Cor, Cor. You have made your choice, forcing me to make a choice of my own. Don’t act so surprised, Claralynn’s death was bound to happen one day. She’s the last one, Cor, the very last one. Be a good little boy and say goodbye before she goes.
She's the very last what?

How easily I could climb to Claralynn’s window and enter her room. How easily I could talk to her and be with her. How easily I could plunge a knife into her innocent heart.
All of these are questions. They would end with a question mark.

I knew I’d be shocked, yet I knew I wouldn’t really be shocked.
This doesn't really make sense. I don't know why you have it. It doesn't help the story along.
I never thought I had a choice until tonight. This dreadful, dreary night.
Again, the second sentence isn't a sentence at all but a fragment. It's describing tonight so you would put a comma.

Claralynn. That is the only person I need to think of. All the meaningless murders. Claralynn is far from meaningless. She cannot be my last murder.
"All the meaningless murders" doesn't fit in with the rest of the paragraph. I would say it's a fragment, but I don't know what the purpose is, so I can't tell you what to do with it.

I feel my body crash to the ground. It doesn’t matter that the road is slick with rain. I’m drenched already. I have no control over my sodden body as I flop onto the asphalt.
I don't think this is very believable. It sounds like your legs just give out, which is a bit odd. At the beginning it said you were standing there, so as the reader, I don't know what happened.

Terror. It was terror on her eyes that night. She was terrified of me.
Very good ending.

All in all, I think you need to make sure your facts match up and that everything you put down is the right reaction to your thoughts. Other than that I'm still impressed.
Megsug

Hey, Megsug!

Thanks for this review! It really is helpful! I have a lot to work out still in this story, I just need to put the time into it. But thank you for pointing out my errors! And I've been thinking about making chapter two just a part of chapter one. I just haven't really fit them perfectly together yet.

Thanks!
~time8keeper

Here again (this time on the right thread).

bit other children so hard they needed stitches, and more.

I know the bolded part makes the previous part seem worse, but it disrupts the flow and doesn't really improve the cruelness of it. The previous part already shows his ferocity, so we just assume he's biting hard. Take out this part, and the flow will be a lot better, and it will make a person want to read on more. Because things like bad flow so early on make people think that it's all going to be like that, so they assume you're just a bad writer, which you're not.

Enemy hates anyone who means something to me,

This makes me wonder, what about his parents? They mean something to him, don't they? So are they still alive? Or do they not mean anything to him? Not necessarily things that have to be answered now, but things to keep in mind.

Ah hope! What a silly notion!

You're a good writer, a really good writer, but seeing something like this, it reminds me of an overly dramatic, horrible-acting play. Take away the "ah", the exclamation points, and maybe replace the "silly" with something more in character. We don't want a moody killjoy on our hands, now do we? Fix those, and we'll talk.

The Enemy is silent.

Clara, Clara, Claralynn! Clara, Clara, Claralynn! Thick red water! Syrup! Syrup! Bright red syrup! Shiny blades, bloody hearts! Clara, Clara, Claralynn! Clara, Clara, Claralynn!

These come close to each other, and while we should get that he starts singing after that first sentence was written, it still seems sudden, or like he was singing all along. Writing something like "Cutting through the dreary silence, the Enemy started singing..." Okay, horrible example, but I hope you get the point.

“No, no! Please no!” I scream.

Again with the dramatic dialogue. Not saying the writing makes him seem not worried and sad and angry or whatnot, but the way he screams and shouts and cries and such just doesn't seem to fit with his character that's developed through thoughts. Personally, he seems the kind of guy that would mutter, moan, cry (tears version), gasp, lose breath, tremble; basically, be so overcome and beaten down that he doesn't really have the strength to cry out. Or, rather, the will. He doesn't see point. It's not worth it. He's dealt with it pretty much his entire life, so he knows being loud and dramatic isn't going to work. He seems like maybe he'd beg with the Enemy. Am I making sense? If I'm not, say so and I'll try to write it in a more comprehensible way.

I knew this day would come. It was always coming, this day.

You basically say the same thing, but in a different word order. Cut one of these.

It has been six years since I’ve talked to her.

Six years? That's a long time. Why does he still think about her? Why does he still think she's an angel? Why is she still such powerful leverage? Okay, so basically what I'm saying here is, I want to read on to find more. My only real points in pointing this out it, 1) it really makes us want to read on to found out what happened/happens next. And 2) whenever you write stuff like this, it's good, but just be sure to explain by the end of the book or by the time we need (and I mean need) the information.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hey ultraviolet!

Thanks for another amazing review!

The stuff about his parents and Claralynn, well, I'll just say that all will be revealed in due time!

Thanks for pointing out the flaws, now I know what I have to work on! So, all I really have to say is THANK YOUUUUU.

~time8keeper