Life

There you sat, knees tucked to your chest, with your book in hand and your glasses sitting rigid on your face.
Your eyes smiled when you read the good parts and darkened at the bad. Beside you the fire crackled and danced as your small daughter opened the door, letting cold gusts of air wrap their chilly arms around the small cylinder shaped room. Your daughter skipped up to you and curled herself up close where she shook your arms and tapped your shoulder, silently asking you to read the story to her.

You flattened the pages with the curled edges from being read numerous times and began to read the story. Your voice was low and soft as you read each word. The musical notes that drifted from your mouth soothed her and soon her delicite eyelids had fluttered closed. You entangled her hair in your huge, farmer hands and kissed her forehead before getting up and adding a couple of logs to the dimming fire.

Your beautiful wife entered the small, cosy room with two mugs of hot tea and fresh brown bread with melted butter. You smiled up at her and took hold of the tray letting her sit down before handing her the supper she had prepared. Beside her, you sat close sharing stories about the 'good ol' times' and worries about your daughters future. As night closed in your wife's eyes drifted closed so you fetched some blankets and covered both her and your daughter. It was late while you sat sipping the tea contently and let your mind run free over the many events you had uncovered in your lifetime, some plesant and some not. You too fell asleep beside the bright fire, in the small room in the heart of the Crackdun Forest.

You woke up to the smell of porridge oats and freshly-picked berries. You smiled because you knew what was coming. Your eyes twinkled as you postioned yourself on the front step of the little house and peered out into clearing. It was early morning and the pink sun was just rising over the hills. You heard the sound of feet on the cold un-even wooden floor and turned to see your daughter coming toward you holding out her little hand. You took it in yours, the size of her hands compared to your big ones never failed to amaze you. You sat down on the hand-made step and hoisted her up onto your lap. By now the sun was up and your wife was calling you for breakfast.

The day went by slowly, you knew that these days here were numbered so you savoured each part, like a hard sweet seeping juice onto your tongue. You and your wife sat outside eating lunch watching your daughter sing and attempt to pet the flocking gulls, before settling with just looking at them. You smiled and put your arm around your wife. Tears of joy trickled down your wrinkled cheeks as you counted the many blessings God had given you in life. For life was such a frail thing and when you had it good you held on to it like you would never let it go.

You wanted me to finish this story with your favorite quote;

You can't change your colour and you can't change your skin but you can determine the way your life goes by how you live it.

THANKS GUYS. ENJOY. I REALLY LIKE WRITING THIS. APPRECIATE YOUR REVIEWS. ALSO IM NOT SURE IF THE TITLE EXACTLY FITS. ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Hey kakagirl. I'll be reviewing your story today.

Just so you know I'm using strikeout for parts I suggest you omit, [brackets] for things to add, blue for stuff to change, #FF0000 ">red for the stuff that confused me, and also <these things> for in text comments.

kakagirl wrote:There you sat, knees tucked to your chest, with your book in hand and your glasses sitting rigid on your face.

Going for second person, I see. It's a difficult narrative mode to pull off, but can be very effective when it's used well. Let's see how you did.

Your eyes smiled when you read the good parts and darkened at the bad. <This is a little too vague. Try writing a specific scene that the MC is reacting to in order to better draw your reader into the story> Beside you the fire crackled and danced as your small daughter <We need some specific details about the daughter's appearance. It's assumed that the MC already knows (her?) daughter is small, so instead describe her size in relation to the people/things around her.> opened the door, letting cold gusts of air wrap their chilly arms around the small cylinder shaped room. Your daughter skipped up to you and curled herself up close where she shook your arms and tapped your shoulder, #FF0000 ">silently asking <I think I know what you're trying to say, but it doesn't make sense the way you worded it here.> you to read the story to her.

So far it's not bad but I think you can do better. Try not to rely on adjectives/adverbs to describe your character and settings. Instead focus on one or two specific details unique to whatever it is you're trying to describe.

For example: "When you looked up you saw your daughter standing next to the piano, the top of her head was almost level with the keys. The bangs of her chocolate colored hair fell over her eyes when she jumped into your lap."

By giving the reader two or three concrete details about the character, our minds are able to fill in the rest of the blanks.

You flattened the pages with the curled edges from being read numerous times and began to read the story. Your voice was low and soft as you read each word. The musical notes that drifted from your mouth soothed her and soon her delic[a]te eyelids had fluttered closed. You entangled her hair in your huge, farmer hands and kissed her forehead before getting up and adding a couple of logs to the dimming fire.

Again, the descriptions are too vague, especially in a story that relies so heavily on the setting. Don't just tell us the pages have been read multiple times, show us how they've been read multiple times. Describe how the ink has faded near the bottom of the page, describe the small tears in the yellowing paper, describe the crayon drawing of the bunny rabbit that the little girl made one day when her parents weren't paying close enough attention to her.

If you've ever watched a TV show in HD, or maybe watched a good film (in terms of graphics) in 3D like Disney's Up or Avatar, you might notice that you can actually see the fibers in the old man's tweed jacket, or you can see the vegetation on the floating mountains in the background on planet Pandora. These minor details are not themselves important, but they create a sense of texture and depth that you wouldn't see on regular definition. The same goes with literature. Concrete descriptions create texture and depth, which is especially important for 2nd person stories. Your goal is to make the reader feel like they are in the center of the action.

Your beautiful wife entered the small, cosy room with two mugs of hot tea and fresh brown bread with melted butter. You smiled up at her and took hold of the tray letting her sit down before handing her the supper she had prepared. Beside her, you sat close sharing stories about the 'good ol' times' and worries about your daughters future. As night closed in your wife's eyes drifted closed so you fetched some blankets and covered both her and your daughter. It was late while you sat sipping the tea contently and let your mind run free over the many events you had uncovered in your lifetime, some plesant and some not. You too fell asleep beside the bright fire, in the small room in the heart of the Crackdun Forest.

There were many missed opportunities to create depth in this paragraph. You shouldn't have to tell the reader his wife is beautiful, but the language you use to describe her should let us know that already. There's nothing compelling about telling us that the MC and his wife worry about their daughter's future. There's nothing compelling in just saying "you thought about past events in your lifetime." These things can be said about any parent, about any family or couple. Your goal isn't to tell us about any family, your goal is to tell us about this family specifically. What has your MC experienced that no one else has? What sort of worries does he have for his daughter's future that are different from those of other parents? Without these details your character will appear two dimensional to the reader. You don't want to write a story about stick figures, do you?

You woke up to the smell of porridge oats and freshly-picked berries. You smiled because you knew what was coming. Your eyes twinkled as you pos[i]tioned yourself on the front step of the little house and peered out into clearing. It was early morning and the pink sun was just rising over the hills. You heard the sound of feet on the cold un-even wooden floor and turned to see your daughter coming toward you holding out her little hand. You took it in yours, the size of her hands compared to your big ones never failed to amaze you. You sat down on the hand-made step and hoisted her up onto your lap. By now the sun was up and your wife was calling you for breakfast.

I'm going to end up sounding like a broken record here. I'm not trying to be insulting but the fact is that this scene is dull. The sad part is that it doesn't have to be. There's no reason you can't create a vivid, entertaining scene about eating porridge for breakfast. It's not the action itself that's dull but the way you describe it. What about the steam rising from within the bowl? What about the golden rays of sunlight reflecting from the yellow floor tiles?

The day went by slowly, you knew that these days here were numbered so you savoured each part, like a hard sweet seeping juice onto your tongue. You and your wife sat outside eating lunch watching your daughter sing and attempt to pet the flocking gulls, before settling with just looking at them. You smiled and put your arm around your wife. Tears of joy trickled down your wrinkled cheeks as you counted the many blessings God had given you in life. For life was such a frail thing and when you had it good you held on to it like you would never let it go.

You wanted me to finish this story with your favorite quote;

You can't change your colour and you can't change your skin but you can determine the way your life goes by how you live it.

THANKS GUYS. ENJOY. I REALLY LIKE WRITING THIS. APPRECIATE YOUR REVIEWS. ALSO IM NOT SURE IF THE TITLE EXACTLY FITS. ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Look: it's like I said earlier, this piece isn't bad but I think you can do better. There's no conflict and almost no tension, which to me means that this isn't really a story at all, but a vignette. Not that there's anything wrong with vignettes themselves, but if you're only going to give us a few short scenes then you really need to hammer in the details, use description to create depth and texture thereby immersing the reader into your story.

Also, I wanted to mention the 2nd person narrative mode. There's a lot that can be done with 2nd person but as far as this story's concerned I fell like you could just have easily written it in 3rd person. Whenever you're using a narrative mode that draws attention to itself, like 2nd person or meta-narration, the narrative mode must be earned by the story. The reader should get a sense that the story couldn't have been told any other way. Unfortunately that's not the case with this one.

If you're adamant about the narrative mode then you need to make it more concise. Give the reader the sense that they really are the MC being described, while at the same time keeping in mind that he/she should already know certain things about the world you're creating.

As for the title, it seems a little generic. I suggest just keeping it as a working title until you revise this story. When you revise you might notice a specific idea or theme that would work for a title. Don't focus too much on the title though, that's more of a logistical issue that can be fixed when everything else is done.

Hope this has been helpful, and keep writing.

Kay thanks!! I know I have barely any reviews but thanks anyway.. I really appreciated your review but I'd like to point oh (nicely ) Thant I kind of wanted it to be a little less descriptive?! Does that make sense? You see as someone one said; life isn't a flowery descriptive piece of literature it's just life as normal blunt and to the point with good bits and bad. I kinda liked that idea so I wrote a story using second person to try it out. Maybe you feel it's not good by it's just a little thing (for the want of a better word) that I wanted to try out!! Sounds stupid but thank you for your opinion and I'll take what you said to heart. Much appreciated!!
Yours kaka x

I love this story! It's touching and beautiful! I like how you used " you " instead of "I" or "he" it's different in a spectacular way. It's like an amazing letter to a loved one. I like how you make things in your writing seem personal, and Its also easier to relate too. Keep on writing!
-Ruth