Eh... I wouldn't submit it. For one, the formatting would look odd in the journal. For another, you talk about what you know about yourself, but then you say you don't understand yourself, so it seems a bit bizarre and contradictory. All in all, it's definitely not your best work. Try something else!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
I'm sorry, but this has no rhythm. The lines are much too long and the words hardly complement each other. In addition to this, each line sounds halted and stand alone as their own individual statements. In poetry, the lines should form a flowing painting of words, and how you present the ideas definitely do not do this.
There is no imagery. I don't know what you want me to see here. You jerk around from idea to idea so fast that I have no idea what to think.
to stay up way too late and get up way too early.
Could you please elucidate on this idea for me? This is just one example. In fact, you could do with some illustration throughout the poem. Since you start talking about waffle-makers in the next line, I really have no clue what you want me to feel. The jerkiness of the ideas really leaves me quite disoriented.
And, as I've said, you leave me feeling absolutely nothing except confusion. At some points you seem serious, at some points you start going off about how you drink coffee. This kind of goes along with the rhythm and the imagery, or lack thereof, but I can't distinguish any distinct atmosphere in this poem.
I suppose some poems are meant for some people. If that is true, this poem was certainly not meant for me.
I have to be honest with you, Sporkie, and say that right now, I definitely don’t see this being Lit Journal material.
Right now this doesn’t really feel particularly poetic. It feels a bit like a list. Roughly, yes, each line has a similar idea and stuff but it lacks anything very truly poetic about it (no offense.) Right, it does just feel like a list.
Here’s what I would do if I were you to improve. Pick three, four tops. And narrow them down to one single concise idea. Then situationalize it.
I’ve been known to speak too quickly. They think I do it to confuse you. But really I’m afraid if I don’t say them fast enough All of my words will be gone.
I’ve been known To get stuck. You remember don’t you? Last December You and I in my car (I shouldn’t drive) And I backed us into that snow bank.
[Wow I need to stop trying to write poetry, huh?]
Do you see what I’m getting at though? Find memories that relate to those things you’ve listed about yourself (like with the waffle maker), pick the ones you like best, think of a situation that really epitomized it, and then write it.
(Wow, this feels like a weird review…)
But do you see what I’m trying to get at? (I think this whole review has just been one really long suggestion, hasn’t it?) If you don’t, just send me a message. And if you do understand this review and if you repost your poem on the forums, let me know and I’d be happy to take a look at it again.
~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
I'm glad I decided not to.
