Dreams - an illusion maybe

2 posts
User avatar
sweetnikki
Gender Female
Points 1190
Reviews 6
Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:56 am
sweetnikki says... · Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:56 am
n
Last edited by sweetnikki on Mon Mar 07, 2011 2:30 am, edited 2 times in total.
Quote




User avatar
tinkembell
Gender Female
Points 1573
Reviews 96
Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:33 pm
tinkembell says... · Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:33 pm
Well first off welcome to YWS :) if you need any help just pm.... somebody or ask somebody who is green, they know things.

First off I really liked the idea, I just felt it was lacking something. I'm not going to go too much into nitpicks but you might want to read it for mistakes. As I was reading this I got this OMG/Barbie/bimbo/slightly dumb person vibe you might want to try and chaange that.
One last thing;
sweetnikki wrote:My mood was triumphant as I thought the sheer impossibility of what was just happening , I just couldn’t believe it , here I was sitting next to a person who I never ever thought would be of much importance in my life the very first day I saw him, which happened to be the day when I nearly fell of the stairs- trying to run for my nationalism class and texting Chetna on the way telling her that I have just reached and am up the stairs- I had forgotten that the same stairs that I was using to go up were also used by other people and me to come downstairs.

Do you expect people to breath? There isn't a SINGLE full stop in this entire part, you might want to insert those if you don't want people to faint/ pass out before finishing.

other than that very good, keep up the writing :)

- Tinkem
"The rabbit always squeals in the jaws of the fox, but when has another rabbit ever rushed up to save it?" Damon Salvatore
;'( please, my lump, he just needs HUGS <3
Need a review? Just ask :)
Just keep writing, just keep writing, do-do-do-do-do
Quote

2 posts


I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47