A Battle

5 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 3
They will fight today
They will fight tommarow
All the while
Their expressions full of sorrow

As the enemy nears
but a thousand paces
The soldiers hold their ground
keeping defiant faces

One of the thousand, a leader
stood with a solemn face
As the enemy came hither
pace by pace by pace

For a moment, he closed his eyes
and beheld things from the past
Times of feasting and joy
From the fertile spring of last

Upon re-opening his eyes
he saw to great surprise
One of their men, a draconian
Riding out, alone, unaided
Against the army of the hated

The men looked from one to another
With doubtfullness, uncertainty
Not wanting to help their brother,
Thereby ending their lives for eternity

At that moment the man knew what he had to do
there would be no running askew

He took up his helm
wrought of silver and gold
And roused all the men
to all of them he told:

Our brother is in dire need!
Any of this why do you not heed?
We must go and follow his path
So the enemy will feel our wrath


Thats all i have so far so n e comments and/or critiscism would b appreciated
When traveling, always keep your eyes ahead, yet don't be afraid to look back.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6165
Reviews 665
"pace by pace by pace " should have just been "pace by pace"
tomorrow was spelled wrong.
"Upon re-opening his eyes
he saw to great surprise
One of their men, a draconian
Riding out, alone, unaided
Against the army of the hated "
was kinda awkward...but everything else was good--i liked the idea alot and the first stanza was pretty cool!
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 3
thanks alot
When traveling, always keep your eyes ahead, yet don't be afraid to look back.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 324
i got a Q 4 u if u dont mind...

what is a draconian?!?

i think maybe u shud try readin ur poem
aloud 2 c which lines shud maybe be a bit
longer or a bit shorter, just 2 keep the
rythym goin...

does that help?
"There you go - sausages à la bread!" - Blue.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3354
Reviews 111
This is good. But I believe tomorrow is spelled incorrectly in the first stanza, second line. This has a very interesing feeling to it. Your vocabulary is good. The flow is a little strange but that can be fixed. Other then that, I think this poem is very well done. Keep writing!
"The only bad ideas are the ones never tried." - Puck, The Sisters Grimm



Hearing these stories makes me realize that I never did anything with my childhood.
— The Internet