The Fountain

Do you see it?
That fountain -
Or is it a cloud? -
That passes
Overhead?
Do you see the
Shimmering water,
There, behind the sun?
We can go there, you know;
We can bathe together, in its cool,
Transparent issuance,
Every day,
If that is what you want.
We can live in that meadow,
Lie there,
Beneath the glittering stars,
Forever unburdened.
Do you see our
Fountain,
Floating away,
On a cloud?
We can still reach it
If we try.
Take my hand,
And lie here with me,
On this
Faded grass,
We can watch it -
Together -
As it floats away
Behind the sun.

Good afternoon, Kaf. I’m going to jump straight into my critique of this piece without much formality. I liked this, but it can become much better, as all things can. So:

The first word of advice I want to give you is regarding the frequent line breaks you use. While it seems very intentional, the frequency of these breaks cripples the flow of the entire poem to a drastic extent. My point behind this is that you have some fantastic imagery and syntax, but it’s jarred by the swift-approaching stopping points. i.e.

We can go there,
You know.
We can bathe
Together, in its cool,
Transparent issuance,

Consider this beautiful phrasing if not interrupted so frequently. For example:

We can go there, you know;
we can bathe together in its cool,
transparent issuance,

Note that I also did some alteration to your punctuation and capitalization. And that brings me to point #2. While it’s a common misconception, not every line of a poem must be capitalized. In fact, grammar and capitalization, if used, should follow the same rules as prose—that is to mean that you should use it correctly.

Point #3 is regarding the not-so-astounding phrasing. Your first lines, “There is a fountain over there—do you see it?” Are rather dull and don’t pull me in at all. Try to hook your reader in a more awe-inspiring way. That’s a challenge. Further regarding content and not grammar, your subject of the piece—the fountain—is not very well-clarified in what you intend It to symbolize. The way It is portrayed, the fountain could symbolize youth or livelihood, or even a religious concept. Generally, anything that brings peace and relaxation. And if this vagueness is intentional, then you’ve hit your mark; however, specificities never hurt anyone.

Other than these few things, you’ve done a good job with this. Try applying what I’ve offered, and PM me or wall post me if you have any questions/comments/updates, or if you want another review.

-Lumi

Hiya Kafka.

I agree with Lumi's comments; as I said in another poem, your words are often blocked by your abundance of commas. I was thinking that perhaps, even with a poem as short as this, longer lines could do you some good. Granted, you'd have to switch around the phrasing and some of the punctuation to make it work, but that's just my opinion. The reason I say this is because with this style of poetry, especially when there's not really much to say, one can't really afford to cut off each detail if it doesn't have that strong of phrasing in the first place. There are moments in your piece where the descriptions pop out in the form of a few concise words, but then it all dulls back down within the next few lines. I'd suggest incorporating some better word choice/imagery in here. It's a good idea (the fountain, floating away on a cloud/behind the sun... sort of makes me think of a storm) but you didn't do it much justice in some places with your detail.

Overall though, again, I like the concept of this. There was something very pure about the overall feeling that was conveyed - I can't put my finger on the right wordto describe it, but regardless of that, this was a great piece. Once we (well... you, really. I don't right your pieces ) get the hang of perfecting each line/stanza/etc. and your thoughts are brought to life a bit more, it will be very interesting reading your work. I already love reading your poetry as you progress and get better, because you really do get better, every single time. Do keep it up!