Red Ribbons

Red Ribbons

She sees her
Soft white skin,
The soft blue veins
That mark a way
Beneath her skin
In her pale white wrist,
She feels her pulse
It’s pressure underneath,
Almost like it’s someone
Who wants to scream,
She traces lines to
Relieve the pain,
She holds in her hands
Her deadly reflection,
And traces her lines
Again and again,
She extends her arm
For everyone to see,
To show the world
Those dark red ribbons
That adorn her sleeve,
Those simple lines that
Caused the pain,
Those beautiful ribbons
That released the pain.
And only to realize
That the ribbons in her sleeve. . .
They belong to me.
Only to realize
That the girl with red ribbons.
That girl is me.

By: JH

Spoiler

The deadly reflection part it's because she uses pieces of a broken mirror. other than that i think it's pretty itself explanatory. Any comments to help me improve will be very helpful. Thank You.

JudeHnd wrote:Red Ribbons

She sees her#FF0000 ">,
Soft white skin,
The soft blue veins#FF0000 ">,
That mark a way#FF0000 ">,
Beneath her skin#FF0000 ">.
In her pale white wrist,
She feels her pulse#FF0000 ">.
#FF0000 ">Its pressure underneath, pretty sure you are talking about its pressure not it is pressure
Almost like it’s someone#FF0000 ">,
Who wants to scream#FF0000 ">.
She traces lines to#FF0000 ">,
Relieve the pain#FF0000 ">.
She holds in her hands#FF0000 ">,
Her deadly reflection,
And traces her lines#FF0000 ">. the repetition here sounds a bit weird... I'd change it to something like 'And she slips' or 'And she makes new ones?'
Again and again,
She extends her arm#FF0000 ">,
For everyone to see,
To show the world#FF0000 ">,
Those dark red ribbons#FF0000 ">,
That adorn her sleeve#FF0000 ">.
Those simple lines that#FF0000 ">,
Caused the pain#FF0000 ">.
Those beautiful ribbons#FF0000 ">,
That released the pain.Loved this
And only to realize#FF0000 ">,
That the ribbons in her sleeve. . .
They belong to me.
Only to realize#FF0000 ">,
That the girl with red ribbons#FF0000 ">,
#FF0000 ">That girl Is me.

Alright, this is good for a free verse. Of course it would have that much more effect with rhymes, to create a rhythm, almost like a flow of blood, but I personally know how hard it can be so I won't push for it Oh and punctuation should be constant.
I love the imagery with the ribbons and all that, it's great. Nothing else I can suggest
Keep on writing!

-Truth-

Hello.

You reviewed a poem of mine earlier so I'm here to return the favor.

Let me first say that this was a really good poem. Your imagery was wonderful, and the voice of the persona in this poem is really powerful. It's a really difficult topic to write about, and it's beside the point of reviewing, but I hope that you aren't the girl with the ribbons. I went through a painful time in high school, and I can relate to this poem in a way, but to whoever this girl in your poem is, I hope she knows that it gets better.

I've read countless poems on this site about teenage angst, and pain, and I didn't like them at all. Your poem though tackling a hackneyed and ugly topic, is written so beautifully. Your imagery is simply yet vivid and there was an easy flow to your poem.

The only thing I can say in order to improve this is to stay away from capitalization. It's probably the only thing that ruins the flow of this poem. Starting every line with a capitalized letter in a poem with lines this short can make it really jarring for the rhythm of the poem. However, in order to capitalize properly, you should watch your punctuation as well. You use a period only until almost the latter fourth of your poem. This will be easier to digest if you divided it via punctuation marks. As of now, you are using punctuation very sparsely but I really suggest that you add a bit more to this poem. It'll give it an easier flow and will give the reader time to pause and think about what you're saying.

I hope that helped. This is a wonderful poem. I'd love to read more from you.

--Nixie

This is fantastic! I agree that the last line should be changed to "Is me" to be grammatically correct, but I think that both endings have a strong emotion held within them. You did a wonderful job with this and I enjoyed it the entire time I was reading. Keep writing!