Oliver Stone - Prologue

I NEVER imagined stepping through those doors for the first time would be so... so...

Normal.

Honestly, I was expecting to feel a wave of fear and awe rush over me, for the final impact that would be telling me that this is it. I'm finally here. This is highschool.

Or at least butterflies?

But no, none of that was meant to be. Instead, when I finally took that first step into my new school -my new life- all I felt was nausea at the smell... what was that smell? Then I saw it.

Stink bomb.

To be honest, I expected highschool to be all mature and stuff, and all those doorknobs from elementary school would be out of my life forever... apparently the doorknobs had to go somewhere too. WHY HERE?

The culprit was standing off in the corner, laughing his silly ass off. He was obviously older -grade nines have a certain look about them and he didn't possess it- and greasy as hell! His hair was practically plastered to his skull as if it were filled with glue... yuck. I could see the teacher closing in to see what was going on. Apparently he did too, cause he took off. I just shook my head and headed in what I thought was the right direction.

So my first impression of the kids here was not good. The second, third, and fourth were awesome, lots of beautiful girls here! The rest of the day was alright, I suprisingly didn't get lost or anything, and of course I was able to make about 15 additions to my Facebook friends list.

I was definitely starting to think things were turning around... that I'd finally get to leave those horrid memories of public school behind. I was getting happy again.

Hey! I'm going to take a shot at reviewing this for you

So, first of all, I liked it. It made me smile and I could relate to it too - the first day of High school (secondary school in my case ) is a pretty big deal, so it's a good thing to write about as you know that almost everyone who reads it will relate to it in some way.

Nit-piks are as follows;

I NEVER imagined stepping through those doors for the first time would be so... so...

1. Having 'never' in all caps looks messy. I know what you were trying to get at by writing it like that, but I think using italics would have more impact 'never'

2. For some reason, part of me wants you to use an adjective to describe the doors in some way. Like, 'those legendary doors' or something. Just a suggestion though.

3. I don't think you need to write 'so...' twice. I get what you're trying to achieve from it, but it doesn't look right.

I was expecting to feel a wave of fear and awe rush over me, for the final impact that would be telling me that this is it.

The second part of this sentence is hard to read. I had to read it twice to understand what you were trying to say. Maybe re-word it to something along the lines of -

'I was expecting to feel a wave of fear and awe rush over me, at the realisation that this is it.'

all I felt was nausea at the smell... what was that smell? Then I saw it.

'at the smell' sounds wrong. Try - 'all I felt was nausea from the smell of... what was that smell? Then I saw it.'

WHY HERE?

Again with the caps.

His hair was practically plastered to his skull as if it were filled with glue... yuck.

Good imagery

The second, third, and fourth were awesome, lots of beautiful girls here!

Instead of the comma after 'awesome' I'd use a ';' instead -

The second, third, and fourth were awesome; lots of beautiful girls here!

The rest of the day was alright, I suprisingly didn't get lost or anything

Try re-wording it to;

'The rest of the day was alright. Much to my surprise, I didn't get lost or anything'

about 15 additions

'15' should be written as 'fifteen'

I was definitely starting to think things were turning around... that I'd finally get to leave those horrid memories of public school behind.

Good way to end it! It makes the reader want to read on in hope of finding out what went so wrong at public school. Yet the first sentence feels foreboding, like something is going to go wrong...

Overall, it's a good piece. You've got me interested

Thanks for the great read and I hope this review is of some help to you!

xDudettex

@ xDudettex

Thanks for the review! Totally agree with everything you say, but the only thing is the whole I NEVER is just a thing i do at the beginning of my work for style, kinda thing? It wasnt emphasizing the word, but just starting off the chapter. I'm planning on doing it for every piece I do. OTHER THAN THAT THANKS!
That last part WAS for emphasis and so was the WAS I just did...
Kay I'm gonna go now cause I've succesfully confused myself...

>>>Ryan<<<