Define me?

For everyone, there is a point in their life that changes who they were, and makes them who they are. It paves the way for their future, and seals their past. For me that moment was my brothers and their deaths. Everyone loses someone close. Everyone experiences loss in some way or another. That makes me 1 of a million. But every death is different, every loss more significant, every period of grief a little worse. That makes me 1 in a million.
My brothers and their deaths, although they still affect me, don’t define me. What defines me is how I coped, how like a phoenix I rose from the ashes stronger and more sure of who I am. And that’s what I’m writing about: the biggest lesson I’ll ever learn (and hopefully teach) is the lesson of life not of death. Death, you cannot teach it, is merely an aspect of life. When someone dies their death is no longer about them. Everything that is said and done is for those left behind, for those living through it all. There is a Buddhist belief that after a certain period for grief and mourning, every tear after that time holds the person who died back from whatever realm comes after life. This is so that death is not viewed as a curse but as a gift. To help us look and celebrate who they where and what they gave us, not dwell on the past, but to remember it with smiles and laughter. That to me is what death should be, a chance to share with the world how amazing they were and how blessed you are to have known them.
I am now 18 and it took two deaths and five years to realize what I’ve learned and to feel like I have started paving the way for my future. Had I known before what I would miss and wish I had done before Jordan and Chase’s death, it may have been easier on me. It’s not easy to teach people how fragile life is, how when its gone you’ll think of what you missed, and that if you just took each second, each opportunity you were given and didn’t take it for granted your life would be richer, and fuller. Then at the end maybe you’ll look back with less regret and with more joy!

First off, I can totally relate to everything that this is written about.

The main problem I have with this is all of the grammatical errors. There is an extreme lack of commas, and in some cases there are commas where they aren't needed.

I’m writing about: the biggest lesson I’ll ever learn, (and hopefully teach): is the lesson of life - not of death.

This sentence is a prime example of many of the sentences in this. This sentence virtually makes no sense. Perhaps some proofreading would help with this.

One final thing: this piece was obviously supposed to be very heart-wrenching. However, the reader really does not know enough information about whatever you have suffered through to really relate and feel for you. So the reader is basically unaffected by this emotionally.

Having suffered through several deaths myself, I can totally understand what you are saying. This is exactly how I have coped through the deaths of several immediate and extended family members as well as the death of my close friend. Even so, this piece didn't really make me that emotional. Again, this is because I was not provided with enough background information.

You'd be better off telling the story of your brothers deaths, and then discussing your coping methods at the end. That would be much more affective.

Good Luck,
Lena

I'm assuming, that this is coming from very personal experience.

However, reading through this i didn't feel any emotion at all.

Elaborate on their deaths. Was it; murder, accident, illness etc.

Then i might feel more connected to emotion that this story is trying convey.

Cheers ~ Tomm

Hi there, Mae. I'm Pink and I actually had a review done for this but my laptop decided to update and restart which meant I lost my review. I was angry, indeed but I felt like I had a lot to say about this piece in particular so I came back and decided to rewrite it. It's not going to be as perfect as the last one but it's close. ^.^ Anyway, there are two nitpicks that I want to get out of the way first.

That makes me 1 of a million.

I noticed that you use the number symbols in your writing instead of the words themselves. When writing, do you best to try to keep numbers written as the word. "One of a million, eighteen, etc." It's more professional this way.

But every death is different, every loss more significant, every period of grief a little worse. That makes me 1 in a million.

This sentence in particular had me confused. Mostly because of the significant part here. I understand that you're trying to make it sound like the loss is one in a million regarding the type of loss it is but I think you should be more precise as to how you go around saying this bit. Every death, loss and period of grief is different, significant and worse for who? For what? Do you understand where I'm getting at? Maybe it's me being overly nitpicky but I felt like this could have been strengthened. I know what you're trying to say but the words just don't exactly match up. :/

Anyway, brushing all that aside I thought this was nicely done piece. Now, I will have to disagree with the other two reviewers who stated that this wasn't emotional. I actually thought it was and I did in fact, feel something. This doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement but it spoke its words. Mainly, it was the middle paragraph that got me. The part where you explained the Buddhist thoughts and the character thoughts behind what life is and what death means to her. That was the part where I felt most connected and I'm sure it varies depending on who you are and what you're 'listening' to.

For me, I like reading about Life and Death and what lessons they have to teach us. I mean, it's interesting isn't it? It goes deeper and makes your mind wander down certain paths and you can sit there and think for hours about it. Well, that's me again. I'm sure there are people who don't normally do that but sometimes I find myself doing that. Enough about that though.


Actually, even thought I felt some emotional ties with the piece I still think it was lacking in some critical areas. Not just punctuation wise, which I'll get to later but connection-wise, with the readers. You have two scenes to this, one a more personal scene with someone dealing with their brother's death and one about life overall and how it can be perceived in the midst of chaos. With that said, I think the personal part was too faint. That is where the readers feels stuck, they can't connect to this character and her loss in a short amount of time with little information. If you could somehow make it longer and give more information on the personal side of it, then maybe it'll be easier to connect/understand the grief.
I'm also thinking this is a personal thing that happened to you or someone close to you. If so, I give you my condolences.

I still have one last thing to say about punctuation. >.< I know, when will it end?! Ahaha.
As the Lena had mentioned, you had some comma punctuation misplacement here and there. I know first hand that sometimes commas can be a bit tricky and I would point out the mistakes but what fun would that be? I need you to be able to go back and figure out the mistakes yourself. You had commas in places that didn't need commas and no commas in places that needed commas. XD But do no fret, I have a few links that could help you with that problem. Proper punctuation is needed so take a quick look over these small tutorials that we have on YWS. Hopefully they give you a better understanding of the rules.
The Uses of the Comma that are often Overlooked
Punctuation Marks
Commas vs Semicolons
Commas

Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece. I think with more information and length this could turn out even better. If you have any other questions feel free to PM me.

All the best,
-Pink

( Sorry about making this review longer than your original post. )= )

A quite moving passage, I like stuff like this. I have to be honest I wondered if it was real, although the fact you posted it under general fiction, tells me otherwise. Grammar aside, I would say you could elaborate more, more description could make the reader feel more for the character. My favourite part is: Death, you cannot teach it, is merely an aspect of life. Although, i think it makes for better reading if it read; Death, you cannot teach, it is merely an aspect of life. I would also re-think the part where you say you are one in a million, I understand that part, but there are flaws.

Hi there! I'm fearlessalways13, and I'd just like to say a few words about your piece.

Overall, I think the raw emotion you put into this was evident. To me, it almost seemed like a diary entry, writing whatever happened to come to mind at the time you wrote it. That can be good sometimes. However, I think you need to also adjust some small things.

One flaw I found throughout the piece was grammatical errors, especially an absence of commas. I'm new to this site and haven't figured out how to quote sentences from the piece, but when you list things in a sequence, you need commas. Also, the tense you used varied at times, going from past to present or vice versa. Examples of both are shown below:

"What defines me is how I coped, how like a phoenix I rose from the ashes stronger and more sure of who I am."

I would write this sentence as:

"What defines me is how I coped; how, like a phoenix, I rose from the ashes, stronger and more sure of who I was."

Please don't get the wrong impression. I really did like the piece, and the raw feelings you put into it made it a captivating read. If you fix these grammatical errors and maybe adjust the length by going in detail a bit more, this piece will be even better. (:

Keep writing!
-fearlessalways13-