Remember That Night?

Thanks for reading!


Remember that night
when we got kicked out of that bar
for singing too loudly?
We were making people mad
with our pretty little love songs.
Jealous of our not-quite-there harmonies
a little off key,
but sung with a confidence
found only in the smallest dogs
faced with a cowering gentle giant.

Remember, after we left that
“fine establishment with the best beer
this side of the Atlantic”
and went seeking adventures
on street curbs, reenacting
Singing in the Rain,
when the sky was clear above us?
We kept on singing,
voices no more clear than before,
but just as joyful.

Remember, when the streets
proved too dark for our tastes,
how we found a little garden?
And we peeked past hedges
chasing each other,
like the roses and gates
were simply parts of a jungle-gym
from when we were still kids?
And when you caught me,
we tumbled down in a fit of laughter,
unable to contain ourselves anymore,
even though we hadn’t to begin with?

Remember, when the laughs ended
how you just looked me in the face,
straight into my eyes
even though it was too dark to see them,
How you knew right where they were?
How you looked straight into my eyes
and whispered something,
something that made me laugh and cry and kiss you,
and whisper, “Finally,” when you waited for a response?

Remember that night?
I do.
I do, like it was just yesterday.



Okay. So this was like... a three minute write. I don't think I edited this at all. Just let it pour out, with no idea what I was writing, haha.
Any thoughts?

Hey Persophoneia,
Let me get this out of the way and say I only found one nitpick :

Remember, when the streets
proved too dark for out tastes

I'm almost 100% sure you meant OUR.

Well enough of that .
I really enjoyed this poem alot. Even though you just wrote it while it came to you it's a great read. I find that those poems are the best, the off-your-head-kind . I found that the poem had really good imagery and it had a very nice flow to it. You definitley have talent. Keep on wrting -Imaginemymind.

p.s - Sorry, for the not so great review ..

Hey Coral!
Awesome poem, I enjoyed reading it immensely. The flow was nice and I like how it came straight from you head, of course I agree with Imagine, these kinds of poems have something that others seem to miss.
Anyway the only thing I could spot was something with the last line.

I do like it was just yesterday.

Comma after 'I do'? because it kind of sounds weird with out it.

Anyways, this was a sweet and cute poem
Cheers,

~Shear

Oh, I love this!!! Some times I find that a unedited three minate write is better then a write that took forever and had everything thought over and planned out... This is just a wonderful, happy, joyous write that makes me smile. I like the whole poem, it is great!!
I don't have a thing to tell you about how to improve it, (other then what has already been stated) it seems great the way it is.

~Rain~

I like this. it makes a person think . . . well it made me think . . . I really like the ending how you just kinda left that up to the imagination, very nice.

I think my favorite part is this: "straight into my eyes
even though it was too dark to see them,
How you knew right where they were?
How you looked straight into my eyes"
it's really sweet and i like that.

you wrote this in 3 MINUTES!?!?! wow nice job.

~Adeera

This was soo good.
I wish I could write something like this. And you did it in three minutes!
It really made me think and it was easy to imagine everything. It made me smile and it also brought me a wave of nostalgia.
It's a really emotional and touching poem and personally, I think it's written very well and you have quite a lot of potential.
I really enjoyed reading this. I usually don't like poems, but this caught me and I just swallowed it whole.
Really nice poem. Good job!

This is a bit cliche for my taste, but then again, everyone feels like this at one time or another... so I guess that's kind of expected out of love poetry, generally.

What I like about this poem is that it's honest. Reading that you wrote this in three minutes after reading through what would probably have taken ten if I were to think up the same thing tells me that you have these emotions on lock inside of you. In other words, it was one of those poems that ended up writing itself. No editing, no making sure everything is 'just right.' It's just... you. So I could, if I wanted to, talk about some spots where it needed a punctuation change, or maybe you don't need a certain line here, or how the fourth stanza isn't really as smooth as the others (there's my .392480 of a cent. ), but really, I don't want to. I would elaborate on criticism on most other pieces of yours, because I know how much you like CC after seeing you ask for it every time, haha. But this just feels like one of those poems that would be best if just left alone, for the most part. Even though it's cliche.

But, as I always say, it's your piece. Do what you want with it - surely it will be fantastic, either way.

I like the fact that you wrote this in three minutes and just let it all spill out because sometimes that is just what you need to write a good poem. There are a couple spots that come out a little awkward but somehow it fits into the poem perfectly. It's a very real poem, you can tell that you were writing it straight from the hear, not faking it. It could use a little bit of editing but really, for the short amount of time it took you to write it you did a brilliant job (:

My favorite part was the last line. You really make it clear that this event meant something to you, that this person meant something to you. I'm definitely glad to have read this, you did a good job!