Chapter 1- Abby's Dream

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I knew something was wrong before I opened my eyes. This wasn’t my bed; the sheets were silk. And it didn’t smell like my room either; it smelled like a forest, pine trees and dirt. I opened my eyes and slowly looked around. This definitely wasn’t my room.

Seeing that I was alone, I sat up and took in my surroundings. It was a nice room, despite the dirt smell. I was on a huge bed with deep purple silk sheets. There was a large wardrobe in the corner and a desk and chair on the opposite wall. Candles were flickering all around the room. There were two windows, both open allowing fresh air to blow in. I went to the window to see if I could figure out where I was. It was dark, but I could see that I was surrounded by trees. “So I am in a forest. But how did I get here?”

“You’re not really here,” a girl’s voice said from behind me. She was holding a small chest. She knelt down and pushed it under the bed. I jumped and spun around, not knowing who she was or where she came from.

“Who are you? And what do you mean I’m not really here?” I demanded, trying, and probably failing, to hide the terror I felt.

“Who I am is unimportant right now,” she said. She was a short red haired girl, no older than seventeen. Her big brown eyes were full of concern. She came to stand by me at the window. “Things are changing, Abby. Big things are happening and we don’t know if we can protect you anymore.”

“What in God’s name are you talking about?!” I took a few steps back, trying to keep my distance from her. She’s crazy, I thought. I’ve never even seen her before and she claims to protect me. “If you protect me, why have I never seen you before?”

She looked at the floor. “I’m not doing this right,” she sighed and looked out the window. “You don’t know who I am because we’ve never actually met. I can’t explain too much to you right now. I’m not even supposed to have called you here. But I’ve seen things that they haven’t, and I know that you’re in danger.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m still not following.”

“I can’t tell you too much. I summoned you here,” she looked back at me. “Your spirit, not your body. Your body is still home in your bed. Listen, and listen closely. You’re not who you’ve always thought. You’re something different, and very, very important.”

“Can you at least tell me your name?” I asked, hoping I might recognize it.

“Ariana,” she said. It didn’t ring any bells.
“Okay. So, you’re trying to tell me that this is a dream and you’re trying to warn me that I’m in danger. How am I –?” My question was cut off by a loud bang and crash in the next room.

“Shit!” she flew to the door and locked it. “He’s here! I have to send you back,” she pushed the desk in front of the door and came back to me. “Just trust me, you have to be careful. He will find you. We’re still watching over you, and we’ll do the best we can. I just hope it’s enough.”

“What are you talking about?” There was more banging and the sound of things breaking.

“Nathanial. He must have sensed your spirit. Why didn’t I listen to Mama B?” she scolded herself. The banging was right outside the door now. Whoever was out there was trying to get in here. The desk started to move as the door was repeatedly slammed into it.

“Ariana!” came a loud male voice. He was angry. “I know she’s in there! I can feel her! Give her to me and I won’t kill you!”

I took two involuntary steps toward the door, but Ariana grabbed my arm. “You can’t go to him. I know you want to, but you’re not ready to face him yet. I need you to close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Now think of home.” She stepped around me and lit another candle.

I did as she said. I started to think of my room. The green walls, my warm bed with a heavy comforter, even though it was always warm in our house. I saw Lacey, my black lab, lounging on my bed looking out the window. I felt Ariana wave something in front of my face as the guy kept pounding on the door. “Be safe, Abby,” she whispered in my ear. My feet left the floor just as I heard the door burst open. I opened my eyes. They were twenty feet below me and getting fuzzy as I continued float to higher.

Flashes of light and color shot back and forth between them. I saw one big flash of light hit Ariana and then she exploded.

The guy laughed. He looked around the room. He bent down, looking under the bed. He took out the chest and opened it. “I’m coming for you, Abigail,” he said to himself, still laughing. “It won’t be long now.”

And then everything went black.



Any thoughts would be apreciated :)




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This is a really good piece.
I like how you've managed to keep everything still shrouded in mystery while giving us enough information to be scared for Abby. You've given us exactly enough and left enough unsaid.
Perfect Balance.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
xoxo




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Wow, well firstly, welcome to YWS!!

This is a great idea, but I feel you should have put it in the short stories if the whole of your story is going to be this quick. The reader doesn't really get a chance to understand what is going on before 'puff' it's all over.

I knew something was wrong before I opened my eyes. This wasn’t my bed; the sheets were silk. And it didn’t smell like my room either; it smelled like a forest, pine trees and dirt. I opened my eyes and slowly looked around. This definitely wasn’t my room.


This is a brilliant opening. It's the very first line of the book, which I for one always find tricky to come up with. It sets the scene and makes us feel sorry, even scared, for your character even though we don't know who she is yet.

When you describe, make sure you tell the reader not only the basics but everything else aswell. Your writing from her POV (thats point of view) so tell us what she feels, I mean really feels. She's scared, how scared, mabye she can link this kind of scared to another memory that tells us more about her.

One last point:
my black lab,

I'm guessing that lab is short for labrador (sorry if I spelt that wrong) so it should be; lab'.

I hope I didn't go on. Keep writing. Shadow.



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— April, Parks & Rec