Free Me pt 2

Chapter 1

I'd no idea how long I had been on Earth. When I woke, I knew three things. I was freezing, naked and in excruciating pain I knew nothing of my surroundings. At the moment, I didn't care. I was hoping it was all a dream. Hands shaking, I slowly reached to my shoulder hoping to feel the soft feathers of my wings. Nothing. I felt cold, damp skin. My skin.

I wept, my body racking from the sobs. I was only seventeen, for goodness sake! I would have begun training for battle that next month if they had never found out. Though I knew some things from what my father had taught me. Oh, my father! He must be devastated.

I realized, as my eyes adjusted, that I was laying in tall grass. Peeking my head up, I glanced around. All around me, it was the same. Tall grass everywhere I looked. I squinted, thinking I saw a dark shape on the east horizon. I did! Large, tall masses, full of trees. What were they called? Father had taught me the words. They started with a M, but I couldn't remember the name. Then I realized I was looking east. The sun was beginning to rise. I sat up, my body protesting in pain, bringing my knees to my bare chest.

Up in the heavens, I would always watch the sun rise and set. It was my favorite past time. It was even more beautiful here, on Earth. The world was full of color. Golds, pinks, purples and oranges. It was breathtaking.

I ran a hand through my hair, staring at the horizon. What were those tall masses? I tried to think of some Father had shown me. There were the Appalachian, the Rockies, the Himalayas. But there was a name after those words...

Mountains! That's what they were! Mountains! I smiled, lips cracking. Now, I couldn't stay here forever. I had to find somewhere to stay. But first I needed clothes. I glanced down at my naked body. Yes, pants would be necessary. I stood, painfully. My knees and back screamed out in pain, but I did my best to ignore it. I stood in a valley, high mountains on either side of me.

I stumbled slightly, falling back to the ground. Whoa, what the? I shook my head, then groaned. Not the smartest idea. Headache. I felt heavy but lighter at the same time. I found it difficult to breathe, too. My wings were gone, which reduced some weight, but Father had taught me that about the atmospheric changes from the heavens to Earth. I guess that was what made me feel heavier. I drew in a ragged breath, lungs feeling like they were on fire. This would take some getting used to. It was easier to breathe up at home.

Yes they had cast me out, but it would forever be home. Home was where family was, where I felt safe. I felt neither of these things. I didn't even know where I was. Father had taught me about the different regions and countries in the world, but never the specifics. It wasn't like we would ever need to know it. Well, it sure would have been helpful now.

Trying to stand once more, I stumbled and slipped but finally reached a confident position. Now the fun part. Walking.

Come on. You can do it. How hard is walking really? One foot in front of the other.

I took a small step, legs feeling wobbly and weak, and promptly fell on my butt. Sighing, frustrated, I started again.

It took a few hours, but my body adjusted, and I was walking. I wasn't the most coordinated, but I wasn't falling over much. I was quite proud, to be honest. I learned to take pride in my work from a young age, but of course never putting myself before God. I knew to make an idol of myself was a sin in itself, and I would be cast into hell for it. That would never happen. Not ever.

I heard my stomach grumble and it was then I realized how parched my throat was and just how hungry I was. What was I going to do? There were rules about what we could eat, and we could not steal from others. Goodness, perhaps this was why God was so frustrated with the humans. Searching, I found a plant that seemed edible. It couldn't hurt me too much, could it? I picked it, sniffed cautiously and popped it into my mouth. I wrinkled my nose, spitting it out. No, definitely not edible. Disgusting.

Then I thought back to what we ate in the heavens. There were animals we were allowed to eat. The ones with split hooves and who ate the cud. Such as the cow, sheep, goat, and deer, among a few others. I knew enough about the humans that cow and sheep had become domesticated for the most part, so I couldn't eat those. It would be stealing from a human if I did. And that was against our rules. Maybe I could find a deer? Or a goat? But how would I catch one? Kill it even? There was another thing. I could not kill. But, sacrifice...? No, I'd have to go with the plants.

My throat burned like fire when I took a deep breath. Okay, I needed water. Stumbling through the expanse of grass, I heard something. It was a small sound, but it was distinct at the same time. Wandering in the direction the sound came from, I peeked around small trees that began to appear, watching for the smallest sign of danger.

My eyes grew in size as I reached a small clearing, with a few trees around a trickling stream. I stepped forward from behind a tree, then paused, waiting for some hideous creature to pop up and interrupt my peaceful serenity. Nothing. I smiled slightly, and in a few uncertain steps, reached the stream.

Bending onto my knees, I scooped the water up hungrily, smiling in ecstasy. It was delicious. I drank until my throat was no longer burning and my stomach felt full.

Then I retched. I was a glutton, a fool. I heaved up nothing but water, but knew it was good I did. The seven deadly sins, and gluttony was one of them. I would not stoop to them, not ever.

Stomach empty again, I shakily got to my feet and began walking again. I needed the practice.

Who knew where I was going now? I didn't even know myself. And it scared me.

Hey Megan. Here as requested.

I was freezing, naked, in excruciating and it was dark.

First thing I noticed was the missing word. I assume there should be "pain" after "excruciating"?

Second thing I noticed is the comment it was dark. If it's just before dawn, then the sky's actually pretty light. Colours start showing up long before the sun does, and the colours actually go away as the sun peaks over the horizon. So if he watches the sunrise, it's pretty light out.

I smiled, lips cracking.

I can tell you from personal experience this is pretty painful, and should not be taken lightly. The fact we only get a token mention to a cracked lip doesn't ring as realistic, especially if he's currently got a low pain tolerance.

Now for overall comments.

Your use of mythology as the base of this story bugs me. The first thing that stood out to me was the general concept. The reason fallen angels became fallen angels in the first place was taking human lovers. The fact your MC's father did this, and it's only his son who gets cast out, doesn't really add up for me. His father should have been cast out the moment he felt lust for this woman, as the general consensus in religion is God's omnipotence (ie- ability to know everything).

You can alter Christianity to this degree. But it has to be alternate universe to be able to get away with it. Because this is completely set in modern day without a single alteration in timeline, this becomes a bit painful to read from the inaccuracies. (Especially if you know the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was a representation of lust)

Your MC also struck me as less than angelic. I realize that is part of the plot, but remember he is not going to have the same mannerisms as humans. Nowhere close, considering an angel's upbringing is different than ours, and their customs are different. One thing that's making this part look a bit odd to me is the lack of reason behind his education. There doesn't seem to be any thought put into what he has been taught, making him look both naive and smart, depending on what the current situation demands. It makes for a character that seems to nearly change personalities because of his education and memory levels.

One thing to strike me was his language. Specifically, when he starts using "God" and "Lord" as swearing. I looked at that paragraph and shook my head a bit, wondering why those words felt so natural to him. Angels, in my mind, should follow the Ten Commandments verbatim (considering they are supposed to be examples/purer than humans), and using the Lord's name in vain fell under "do not do" according to that list.

There is also the matter of his age/gender. The rather emotional reactions he has left me thinking he was 14 and female— 17 year olds usually have more emotional control, and men usually have much different emotional reactions than women. You can say "angels think differently" all you want, but the actions shown in this story will probably make quite a few people wonder about just what he has been taught to be reacting the way he is. It doesn't help there's an implied warrior quality in male angels; warriors are often trained to not show much, if any, emotion.There's also the stereotype about men not crying; you can say angels don't follow that, but the stereotype will remain and any human he encounters should react with that being very strange.

Speaking of human encounters. The one with his mother is, to be blunt, badly handled. There is no hesitation on either side, for anything they do. Some of your MC's reactions could be justified, but his mother's complete lack of fear at a strange teenage boy showing up on her doorstep is very odd (to the point of disbelief).

What can't be waved away, when it comes to your MC, is his lack of hesitation to tell her everything. Complete stranger, whom he literally just met, and he tells her everything? That just does not add up. My logic being, this is a great source of shame for him. Great sources of shame are often buried deep in a person's consciousness to only be pried out with great force, because they tend to change people's opinions about the person. If he's gotten any sort of information about humans, he'd probably know we are judgemental creatures. A single mention of "I believe in angels" probably isn't enough to get him to talk for a solid hour to tell her everything.

There's also how the first woman he meets "just happens" to be his mother. It's too convenient for the plot to move forward. Things that "just happen" to be the case are often seen as cheats, especially if there's no way to explain the action. What I assumed happened was his father made sure he landed some place he would be accepted to make it easier. However, the end of part 1 implied that his father had no say what so ever in the matter. This makes my logic fail, as I doubt June would know his mother's identity and drop him there to make things easier on him. However, this is going on the basis that the fact he's half human is considered a bad thing in Heaven, so my logic could be flawed. Your alteration of angels/heaven have made it impossible for me to tell.

Onto the whole transition from angel to mortal. You had a few odd mentions, but none of them really linger. What I mean is, we are not given a constant reminder that he's in pain from his wings being ripped out. Also, any other affects? I'd think he has a few more besides pain. Considerations include: air pressure difference (air is thinner higher up), the possible difference in weight (does he feel heavier now that he's no longer a being of light? Lighter without his wings? What about his center of balance, which would have been altered by his wings?), among other things such as the amount of water in the air and the lack of magic on Earth (assuming there is a lot in Heaven, considering it is usually considered a more holy/mirical-filled place) messing with him.

And the clothing is going to bother me a bit. When he was stripped of them, why did his gold chain/pendant stay? If he is being banished and all traces of Heaven are being removed, you wonder why he was allowed to keep that. Something that small really throws off a story, because you wonder why. When no logical explanation comes up, it's assumed you had him keep the gold pendant just to give his mom something to recognize him by. It tends to come off as another cheat.

Finally, your use of first person. You're not really taking advantage of the ability to see right into your MC's head with your current narrative. It's just the outside actions, with hardly any reflection on the whole situation, or justification for action. In a first person story, that's what gets readers so close to the MC; they can know every single bit about the way he ticks. Right now, we don't know any of that— and the story is suffering because of it. Without knowing why the character is doing what he's doing, he tends to come off as somebody just moving to make the plot work.

That being said, some of the reactions need a lot more time/justification to make work— and can't just be fixed by adding explanations for why he does things. Namely, him telling a stranger everything about his past. That would probably need a few days of time together to really make it understandable. Unless you come up with a very good argument for him telling her the same day he meets her. Emphasis on "very."

Now that I've gone through this part, I will say I enjoyed part 1. You really set up something that looked interesting, especially with the chilling line "Lord, forgive this boy, for he has sinned." But once you set him up as a human hybrid, I took a massive jolt out of the story. It was too distant from Earth's mythology for me to take it seriously. The characters' willingness to help each other/tell the other things also did not help this sections believability.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any comments.

~Rosey

Alright, so, Rosey covered most of the nitpicks, so I'm gonna give you the general impression of your piece.
You used too much narration-in a sense that you told the readers everything. Try showing the readers, espically here, where you needed and description the emotion most.

I'd no idea how long I had been on Earth. When I woke, I knew four things. I was freezing, naked, in excruciating and it was dark. I knew nothing of my surroundings. At the moment, I didn't care. I was hoping it was all a dream. Hands shaking, I slowly reached to my shoulder hoping to feel the soft feathers of my wings. Nothing. I felt cold, damp skin. My skin.

I wept, my body racking from the sobs. I was only seventeen, for God's sake! I would have begun training for battle that next month if they had never found out. Though I knew some things from what my father had taught me. Lord, my father! He must be devastated.

I realized, as my eyes adjusted, that I was laying in tall grass. Peeking my head up, I glanced around. All around me, it was the same. Tall grass everywhere I looked. I squinted, thinking I saw a dark shape on the east horizon. I did! Large, tall masses, full of trees. What were they called? Father had taught me the words. They started with a M, but I couldn't remember the name. Then I realized I was looking east. The sun was beginning to rise. I sat up, my body protesting in pain, bringing my knees to my bare chest.

Although you do have a strong first sentence, which lead me to read the piece, there wasn't enough emotion here and I couldn't feel his pain or anything.


~WickedWonder

Thank you both for the reviews! Nit-picking helps me quite a bit! I ended up rewriting quite a bit of it, not liking the direction it was going, and delved more into my character and his feelings.

Not my best work, I've got to admit, but the reviews help so much! Thank you once more!

<3 Megan

I'd no idea how long I had been on Earth. When I woke, I knew three things. I was freezing, naked and in excruciating pain I knew nothing of my surroundings. Should be- When I woke, I knew three things: I was freezing, naked, and in excruciating pain.At the moment, I didn't care. I was hoping it was all a dream. Hands shaking, I slowly reached to my shoulder hoping to feel the soft feathers of my wings. Nothing. I felt cold, damp skin. My skin.

I wept, my body racking from the sobs. I was only seventeen, for goodness sake! I would have begun training for battle that next month if they had never found out. Though I knew some things from what my father had taught me. Oh, my father! He must be devastated.

I realized, as my eyes adjusted, that I was laying in tall grass. Peeking my head up, I glanced around. All around me, it was the same. Tall grass everywhere I looked. I squinted, thinking I saw a dark shape on the east horizon. I did! Large, tall masses, full of trees. What were they called? Father had taught me the words. They started with a M, but I couldn't remember the name. Then I realized I was looking east. The sun was beginning to rise. I sat up, my body protesting in pain, bringing my knees to my bare chest.

Up in the heavens, I would always watch the sun rise and set. It was my favorite past time. pastime It was even more beautiful here, on Earth. The world was full of color. Golds, pinks, purples and oranges. It was breathtaking.

I ran a hand through my hair, staring at the horizon. What were those tall masses? I tried to think of some Father had shown me. There were the Appalachian, the Rockies, the Himalayas. But there was a name after those words...

Mountains! That's what they were! Mountains! I smiled, lips cracking. Now, I couldn't stay here forever. I had to find somewhere to stay. But first I needed clothes. I glanced down at my naked body. Yes, pants would be necessary. I stood, painfully. My knees and back screamed out in pain, but I did my best to ignore it. I stood in a valley, high mountains on either side of me.

I stumbled slightly, falling back to the ground. Whoa, what the? I shook my head, then groaned. Not the smartest idea. Headache. I felt heavy but lighter at the same time. I found it difficult to breathe, too. My wings were gone, which reduced some weight, but Father had taught me that about the atmospheric changes from the heavens to Earth. I guess that was what made me feel heavier. I drew in a ragged breath, lungs feeling like they were on fire. This would take some getting used to. It was easier to breathe up at home.

Yes they had cast me out, but it would forever be home. Home was where family was, where I felt safe. I felt neither of these things. I didn't even know where I was. Father had taught me about the different regions and countries in the world, but never the specifics. It wasn't like we would ever need to know it. Well, it sure would have been helpful now.

Trying to stand once more, I stumbled and slipped but finally reached a confident position. Now the fun part. Walking.

Come on. You can do it. How hard is walking really? One foot in front of the other.

I took a small step, legs feeling wobbly and weak, and promptly fell on my butt. Sighing, frustrated, I started again.

It took a few hours, but my body adjusted, and I was walking. I wasn't the most coordinated, but I wasn't falling over much. I was quite proud, to be honest. I learned to take pride in my work from a young age, but of course never putting myself before God. I knew to make an idol of myself was a sin in itself, and I would be cast into hell for it. That would never happen. Not ever.

I heard my stomach grumble and it was then I realized how parched my throat was and just how hungry I was. What was I going to do? There were rules about what we could eat, and we could not steal from others. Goodness, perhaps this was why God was so frustrated with the humans. Searching, I found a plant that seemed edible. It couldn't hurt me too much, could it? I picked it, sniffed cautiously and popped it into my mouth. I wrinkled my nose, spitting it out. No, definitely not edible. Disgusting.

Then I thought back to what we ate in the heavens. There were animals we were allowed to eat. The ones with split hooves and who ate the cud. Such as the cow, sheep, goat, and deer, among a few others. I knew enough about the humans that cow and sheep had become domesticated for the most part, so I couldn't eat those. It would be stealing from a human if I did. And that was against our rules. Maybe I could find a deer? Or a goat? But how would I catch one? Kill it even? There was another thing. I could not kill. But, sacrifice...? No, I'd have to go with the plants.

My throat burned like fire when I took a deep breath. Okay, I needed water. Stumbling through the expanse of grass, I heard something. It was a small sound, but it was distinct at the same time. Wandering in the direction the sound came from, I peeked around small trees that began to appear, watching for the smallest sign of danger.

My eyes grew in size as I reached a small clearing, with a few trees around a trickling stream. I stepped forward from behind a tree, then paused, waiting for some hideous creature to pop up and interrupt my peaceful serenity. Nothing. I smiled slightly, and in a few uncertain steps, reached the stream.

Bending onto my knees, I scooped the water up hungrily, smiling in ecstasy. It was delicious. I drank until my throat was no longer burning and my stomach felt full.

Then I retched. I was a glutton, a fool. I heaved up nothing but water, but knew it was good I did. The seven deadly sins, and gluttony was one of them. I would not stoop to them, not ever.

Stomach empty again, I shakily got to my feet and began walking again. I needed the practice.

Who knew where I was going now? I didn't even know myself. And it scared me.

A short chapter, and again, I could find no mistakes. Actually, after I read the first part, I imagined how he would show up on Earth, and it was surprisingly similar to how you wrote it!
I love how you write, and the storyline is very intriguing. I come across a lot of vampires and werewolves in fantasy lately, and it feels great to read about angels. The way you portray them is very clever.
I do have a small comment about the narrative, though. The way things are going, the story seems like it would be much better if written in an omniscient point of view. The whole point of using first person narrative is to provide a unique voice of your main character, and to magnify their emotions. You don’t seem to be taking advantage of either. You described his pain in a very bland way at the beginning, when you could’ve really made us feel for him. Instead of explaining the differences between this world and his, you could’ve written about the fear and anxiety in taking his first few steps. I’m not saying you should go back and rewrite the whole thing in third person, but you might bring out more of the story if you set this up in a different way. It’s your choice.
That’s about all I had, keep writing more! And let me know when the next part is up!