Somme

Can you hear the songbirds?
They are loft within the sky.
Can you hear the thunder
of the machine guns as they cry?

I stood at the field,
the one by passers gate.
I saw the field blosom with red,
and an inevitable fate.

I saw him across the field,
across the sea of red.
I saw my one and only son
slowly bleed to death.

He called my name out boldly,
and then more softer it grew.
He was slain and forever bleeding,
amongst the morning dew.

I ran across the field,
through the fallen dead.
I ran to where my son was slain,
and he slowly bled.

I held him in my arms,
and slowly rocked his fears.
I splattered his whitened face
with my pain filled tears.

I held him as he died
within my loving embrace.
He dissapeared slowly,
to his real resting place.

So now upon a fallen field,
which on epitaphs will stand.
He'll be another name for the lost
of the thousands who died for this land;
Somme.

First of all: powerful piece. You have some excellent imagery and set the scene very succinctly. I think that maybe your rhythm could be a little smoother in spots, but this is very well done.

First stanza:

Can you hear the songbirds?
They are loft within the sky.
Can you hear the thunder
of the machine guns as they cry?

This contrast was excellent. The sounds are somewhat similar in some way, but they represent two completely different things, and the rhyme is nice as well.




Second stanza:

I stood at the field,
the one by passers gate.
I saw the field blossom with red,
and an inevitable fate.

The switch from first to second person felt a bit odd to me. It felt very personal to me while you were starting to set the scene, and now all of a sudden it's you standing in a field. Maybe for the first stanza, you could describe without actually setting first or second person, and can simply put it in infinites without any pronouns or anything.



Third stanza (just a tidbit here):

I saw him across the field,
across the sea of red.
I saw my one and only son
slowly bleed to death.

Instead of a period after "red", I think that you could use a semi-colon. Periods create very definite pauses in poetry, and almost represent a sense of finality. There are other ways of creating pauses that allow an elaboration without making it sound stilted, as periods oftentimes do.


Fourth stanza:

He called my name out boldly,
and then more softer it grew.
He was slain and forever bleeding,
amongst the morning dew.

Grammatically, the first two lines don't work. Rather than say "and then more softer it grew" you might consider something like, "but slowly became subdued" or something like that. I don't know. I'm terrible with rhyming. BUT, saying "boldly" and then "softer" doesn't work. You go from an adverb to an adjective and it just doesn't make grammatical sense.
Also, I would switch bleeding and slain. It would offer more of a final note on "slain" and no one can bleed forever- eventually the blood settles down in the body once they're dead.



Fifth stanza:

I ran across the field,
through the fallen dead.
I ran to where my son was slain,
and he slowly bled.

Okay, so later you talk about holding him while he dies, but he's already dead in this stanza? And he's bleeding? I would change the word "slain" to something else that implies that he's still alive.



Seventh stanza (yes, I skipped sixth, and this is just a tidbit):

I held him as he died
within my loving embrace.
He disappeared slowly,
to his real resting place.

So, typo on "disappeared" and I wanted to mention that I think "real resting place" sounds a bit awkward, language wise and rhythm wise. Just my opinion.


And, excellent conclusion.


So, overall, I think this is very powerful, as I mentioned before. The rhyming scheme is nice, though while the flow seems to waver, it almost seem like the rhymes don't match up as well, which could be worked on.
Great imagery and emotion though, and a wonderful piece!

-Coral-

Brutal and Breathtaking.....
The story behind it is very touching....
I could feel the emotions felt by the father towards his son...
Very well written....
Awesome....
Keep up the good work...
PM me for anything...