What Makes a Man (Contest Entry)

Spoiler

This is a short story for Skins' Contest (Check out details here).
I need some help brushing this up. I'm not sure how else I could go about this so any thoughts and reviews will be greatly appreciated. The question, 'what makes a man' has too many different ways to go about it so I tried to keep it fairly simple. -.-

For the dearly confused. I am really a girl. I just like the blue male symbol.

Have you ever listened to complete silence and heard your entire life whisper in your ear? There was only one time in my life in which this happened. That was during your funeral, Dad, when I walked up to that podium and listened to the desolate peace as if I was the only person alive at that time.
“Dear Father,” I began. “Do you remember when I was six and Lizzy found a spider in her room?” I looked down at my seated sister. Her blond hair was tied into a tidy bun and her black dress blended in like a mosaic with the other attendees. Bloodshot eyes bore onto me as the frown tightened on her mouth. “She asked me to kill that spider. She had a case of arachnophobia remember? She asked me to kill it because I was a boy. I told her I was afraid of it too, who wouldn’t be? I was just a kid, even if I was guy; I was still just a kid. Of course, you didn’t see a child, you saw a boy. So you scolded me for this and told me that I had to be a real man.” My mind swam with the endless shouts and strong grips his words had on me as a child. “I ended up killing every spider after that and never blinked an eye.”
My hands gripped the podium as my tongue swept over my lips. “When I was twelve, Rowie, our pet dog died in a small accident down the street. Remember that time, Father? That news devastated me.” I put a hand over my chest. “I was very close with the hound. For weeks, tears traveled from my eyes to his grave in our backyard. I spent countless hours mourning his death.” My eyes scanned the audience. “You got tired of it, of me. With anger, you slapped your hand across my cheek for the first time.” My cheeks burned as I remembered the endless lessons you taught. “You said, ‘Real men don’t cry’. Since then, I never shed a tear.”
I lifted the corner of my lip. “Do you remember when I was sixteen and I joined my High School’s football team? You told me, practically ordered me to join the team. Football was not the right sport for me. I ended up dragging the team down and I got lucky only once every few games, scoring a point or two. However one day, I saw you in the stands. You watched me with stern eyes and I knew you wanted to see me score, to see me win a game.” I blinked rapidly, taking a second to strengthen my voice as the images of the dark, brutal nights in the stadium rushed back into my head. “I didn’t want to disappoint you again,” I said smiling. “That was the first time my teammates lifted me over their shoulders. The first time I saw a smile on your lips.”
My knuckles hardened. “So why?” I asked. “So why is it that when I come home you’re still frowning? Why is it that nothing I do seems to faze you? Will I never obtain your satisfaction?”
My heart stuttered as his memories flooded into my head. “I did everything you told me to. I went to school and never missed a day. I received exceptional grades and test scores in hopes that it would keep you happy. University was no match for me, for you told me that parties were for boys, and I was to be a man. A man who studied, who took charge, who knew the difference between right and wrong and I grew to become someone who was dependable.”
“When I was twenty-one, I brought home my first girlfriend. She was wonderful, beautiful, knew how to cook and clean, was on her way to obtaining a degree and a job.” Elizabeth was a once in a lifetime girl. She was the golden egg that every parent wished their son would marry. “She was perfect but you shook your head. So I yelled at you with words I never had the courage to say for the first time in my life. Do you remember what you said to me that day?”
“Grow up. You’re listening to all the things, chasing the wrong ideas.”
“I didn’t know what you meant back then but I’ve figured it out. I shouldn’t have listened to your advice,” I scoffed. “I had to make my own choices. I had to do what I thought was right and go where I pleased. I had to respect who I thought deserved it and I had to speak my mind. I had to be the roof over my family, the light in the dark. Would you be happy if I told you that I did just that? That I became that gentleman, that hero, that person who you always wanted me to become and I did it on my own.”
“Dear Father, you were the mountain I wished to climb. So I spent all my time looking up at you, climbing high to reach your summit, your expectations but I forgot something. I disregarded the passing scenery, forgot to watch the flowers bloom and the trees grow. I wanted your eyes on me and before I knew it, you molded me into the strong man I am today.”
I lifted my eyes and peered as the funeral guests. They’re all holding back their solemn tears. A few sniffs echoed in the hall but there were no claps. A place of death was not a place to applaud. I forced up the corners of my lips as I drowned myself in his memories and filled myself with his love. “Thank you Father, for all that you’ve done. Even in the harshest of times, you were always trying to make me better, make me real and make me strong.”
“What makes a man is to be true. You were and always will be, the man in my eyes.” I smiled. “Rest in peace, Father.”

Now, just a question ... I see the "Gender: Male" in your profile blurb thingy ... and the point of this contest is to write in the view point of the opposite gender, correct? Am I hallucinating or not? Whatever it may be, onto the review:

“Real men, don’t cry.”

Take out the comma, I think. It seems a bit like a splice to me -- but maybe I'm wrong. I'm no grammar expert.

"Real men don't cry."

- - -

I didn’t know what you meant back then but I know now, what makes a man

Take out the comma, I'm pretty sure.
- - -

I’ll respect who I think deserves and I’ll speak my mind.

This sentence seems kind of awkward. There's a few ways you could fix it:
"I'll respect who I think deserves it and I'll speak my mind."
"I'll respect those I think deserve it and I'll speak my mind." -- just a couple of suggestions.
- - -

Who knew, I was doing it all wrong.

Looks to me like a splice again, Doc! If you wanted to do that sentence for effect, for a bit of a pause, try maybe:

Who knew -- I was doing it all wrong.

Or just simply:

Who knew I was doing it all wrong.

OVERALL:
So I liked this. It talked about a son, feeling disappointed in his being, feeling insignificant. I expected to feel some sort of hate eminating from the piece, but instead I found that the child loved his father -- in one way or another -- by the end. An interesting twist to take. I love the way you talk about the main character's life with his father, building up the end where he bids his father a good after life. I especially liked the closing line:

“What makes a man is to be true. You were and always will be, the man in my eyes.”

It answers our questions, and leaves us with that bittersweet happiness inside.

All in all, this was well-written. In fact, you probably could've been even more powerful with it, adding in more descriptions of the father, his sister, his life, and his feelings. Bring us into his world a little bit. Well carried out, and you didn't close off too quickly, either. I like the idea of it being a letter-type thing ... However, if it's composed on paper/ in his head, should it not be written in italics?

Well, whatever the case: well, done.

-- Flux

What was your inspiration to write this peice? it is very realistic, and very sad. It has a wonderful sense of closure at the end which alot of stories, especially short stories as the ending is often rushed through, lack. your ending really gives your peice a solidity that is hard to acheive unless you are a very skilled writer.

these two statements confused me:

Grow up. You’re listening to all the wrong things.”

“What makes a man is to be true. You were and always will be, the man in my eyes.

i thought his father was saying the latter sentence, but i was not positive. it seemed that in the conflict, just before the grow up bit, that the father had little respect for his son. could you add another line or two maybe, just explaining that he did eventually come to terms with his son?

Hullo, Pinky! I probably shouldn't be reviewing this, seeing as we're competitors, but... oh well. I'm doing it anyway.

I spent countless hours morning his death.

"Morning" is the part of the day before noon. "Mourning" is the grief over someone's death. ^.~

My heart stuttered as his memories flooded into my head.

This is confusing to me, since when I hear "his memories" I think "the things he remembers," not "the things I remember about him." Maybe make this something like: "My heart stuttered as memories of him flooded into my head." Though you actually might want to elaborate on this as well... but I'll talk about that later.

So I yelled at you with words I never had the decency to say for the first time in my life.

This sentence confuses me. I think it just sounds odd to say "never had the decency to say for the first time in my life," because it sounds like you're saying that he didn't have the decency to say them for the first time, whereas I think you're trying to say that he was saying them for the first time in his life, and he hadn't had the decency to say them before that. Maybe try something making it either something like: "So I yelled at you with words I never had the decency to say before." OR something like: "So I yelled at you, for the first time in my life using words I hadn't had the decency to say until then." I don't know... either of those options sound great, do they? Well just play with it, I think. You'll come up with something. ^.^

Would you be happy if I told you that I did just that? That I became that gentleman, that hero, that person who you always wanted me to become and I did it on my own.”

That should be a question mark at the end, shouldn't it?
---------------------------

Firstly, very nice! I liked the format of the piece (having a story made mainly out of someone's eulogy) and I also really liked the message. Throughout the whole piece, I was thinking "gosh, what a horrible father" and then, at the end, the narrator switched the whole thing around, saying that what was so horrible about his father was also his greatest strength. It's a nice message, to be sure, but it also feels like the kind of thing someone would say at a funeral and not really believe it completely. It feels like the something you'd say to be polite and respectful, and I bet your character wants to believe it... but I don't think he does. I like that. Even if you didn't intend readers to think that, the fact that I did means that your piece is thought-provoking and made me interested enough to wonder about things like that.

I think one reason why it felt insincere to me was the ending. The narrator only got to his message in the last few lines, which is why those lines felt shallow, I think. He spent the whole piece dwelling on how miserable his father had made him while he was growing up, then in the last few lines he tried to turn it around. I don't know whether or not you wanted it to sound insincere, but if you didn't I think you should expand the end. For example:

“Dear Father, you were the mountain I wished to climb. So I spent all my time looking up at you, climbing high to reach your summit, your expectations. Who knew? I was doing it all wrong. Thank you, for making me into the man I am today. Rest in peace, Father.”

That metaphor about the mountain could be extended a little more, I think. He could say something like "I was so busy trying to climb the mountain that I didn't appreciate the beauty of the hills and plains around it" or something. I just think you might want to dwell a little longer on the conclusion.

But the real way to clear up how sincere this is would be to let us a little more into your character's head. That's the point of the contest, isn't it? What someone says isn't always the same as what they think or feel. Sometimes it is, of course, but I can't tell here because I only see what he is saying, not what he is thinking and feeling. For example, you tell us that he is reminiscing about his father, but you don't show us what those reminiscences are, so I can't judge their emotion.

Overall, I think this is nice. And it certainly has potential. But right now it feels a little too simple--a little one-dimensional. It could be livened up a bit, I think, if we knew your character better. Plus, it's really short. Feel free to make it longer so you can elaborate more.

Well sorry if that was harsh. I really do like it... but I'm competing against you! I can't just say "great job, keep writing," can I? ^.~ Honestly, though, I hope this review helps you some and if you want me to look at an edited version or something just holler.

Let me know if you have questions/comments/etc.

a

Thank you for the reviews. Sorry about little errors, I have a hard time finding my own typos. As for the commas, I generally do that and I guess I just missed those when I went back to edit. ^.^'

Anyway, I'm most definietly thinking about rewriting this. I just hadn't found the right ideas or thoughts on how to make this any better. As of now, I'm trying to make it longer and add more back thought so the character comes out as more alive and real. Short stories are actually quite hard for me to write so I'll have some difficulty. Any idea or critiques that will help me improve are again, very much appreciated. Thank you.

-Pink

Wifey,

Tis me, Wifey!

I really enjoyed this piece, and I enjoyed the emotion within it. I've seen my brother and father interact their whole lives, and my dad is always trying to make my brother into something he isn't - and will never be.

I felt....cheated out in the end, though. Like Azila said, I thought he was dissing the way his father had raised him, then suddenly, he was okay with it. But you're telling us that he turned into a hero and stuff, not showing us. How did he become a better person? Did he marry Elizabeth? the way he spoke, I wasn't sure whether he'd gone against his father's wishes or not, which is what made him a hero...Makes sense?

Other than that, I liked it. As I said, I could relate to this piece, having witnessed it on my own, and I loved the emotion, behind his words.

Sorry this wasn't any better...But after Azila...I never find much else to say

Wifey.

Hullo, Pinky! I have returned. ^_^

I know you don't think you've changed much, but I really like this version a lot better than the previous one. I love the passages where you interlace his thoughts with his speech. They really give the impression of sincerity and make it seem like what he's saying isn't pre-prepared. He's just standing at the podium, speaking his thoughts. I really like it.

Even though it was much better on that front, I still feel like there's something missing--and I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it might be that the story just feels a little... one-dimensional. It's just a story about the narrator's connection with his father. There's nothing in the piece that isn't absolutely necessary. No added details to try and develop any background or anything. That may not be true, but it's the impression I get after reading it. I'm not sure how you should fix this, since I like the simplicity of the piece, but maybe one way would be to try and develop the characters a little more? It's better since the last version, but I still would like to know everyone--both the narrator and his father--a little better. Maybe add in some physical descriptions of the father? Maybe add in some details about the narrator's personality which do not have to do with his relationship to his father? It feels like right now it's a nice story, and it's certainly well-told, but it's just a bit random. I'm kind of left wondering why I should care.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh--I don't mean it to be, it's just the best way I could come up with to say what I wanted to say. All in all, I liked this before and I like it even more now. It's a great example of a stream-of-consciousness piece and I love the stuff you've done with having there hardly be any division between speech and thought (maybe add in some more of that?). The ending is also much more convincing, and the conclusion that the character reaches feels much more believable now.

Good job, Pinky!
a

Hello dad!

Spoiler

Yes, we're competitors but you helped me on my entry too, so to show you my sincerest gratitude, I'm here to review!

I actually read this story before you revised it. But because of insufficient time, I just had to do it now. ^^

First of all, you've written this very well, dad. I like it how the character keeps his message personal. Even if this one is based on male's perspective, there's a bit side of me that I could really relate on. However, I totally agree with the previous reviewers. At first, the character seems to show that his father's strict, inconsiderable and all, then suddenly he ends his speech about thanking his father, being his hero and stuff. I don't know but I find it too... sudden? Because the bitterness the character is sharing to the audience is overpowering the gratitude and appreciation he wants to show. And it might be better knowing how his father changed him presently. Give us some specific informational background of how the character is truly grateful of his dad.Or just any positive experience where in he followed his advice. (I hope you understand ^^)

I suggest that you lengthen this piece by gradually developing your character's speech from "I don't know why you're acting like this..." into a "Sometimes, I think you're right, dad..." to a "Thank you, father." So the last part won't look abrupt. It just because it sounds as if your character's in a hurry of saying thank you.

Grammar wise, there are actually no awkward instances where I have to read a line twice, no. Your verbs are all consistent and the pace is flowing smoothly.

Others:

I disregarded the passing scenery, forgot to watch the flowers bloom and the trees grow.

By the way, I adore this line.

Kicking aside those negative comments, this is a good read. Hope this helps and PM me for any questions. Keep writing and good luck to both of us! ^^

Peace out,
daughter