Remember the pain of your first heartbreak? I feel it right now but its not with my first. I'm sitting in tears recalling my best friend. The shine of his deep blue eyes against his jet black hair. The glisten of his teeth in his near perfect smile. The smoothness of his pale white skin. How he towers above me. The warmth of his gripping hugs. I'm smiling, but inside i'm dying. These memories are now two months old. One day we were inseprable, the next he had thrown me into the firing line.
The day I last saw him was like any other. My majority of time had been spent in college working and having a laugh with my other friends. Though before my last lesson i'd decided to ring him. He was on his own. So I dropped everything to see him. I took the bus and found him sat on a bench in a world of his own. When I sat next to him I rested my head on his shoulder and smiled when he jumped. When he noticed it was me, I watched him brush a strand of hair from infront of my eyes and then felt his soft lips press light against mine. He was my best friend but had recently also become my lover. However, there were problems. His ex-girlfriend. My friend. She knew nothing of us and was still in the belief he would return to her, since they'd broken up days before. She believed what I said to her more then what he said to her. Eventhough we were lying about our affair, I told her more truth then he did. I knew him before her and while he was with her our first kiss took place. I felt horrible. The kiss felt right.
The last day spent together proceeded like each day before it. We explored a new area and listened to each bird call fight against each passing car.Touched each flower, while feeling the pavement underfoot. Felt each raindrop soak us from head to toe, while others were dry in houses. Our hands were always joined and the occasional kiss passed. As darkness dawned the chill began. I always felt the cold more then him, so he slipped off his jacket and placed it over my shoulders, leaving himself in only a thin shirt. We decided to return to the bench and I rested in his arms just staring into the clearing sky, revealing a blanket of stars. Then it was time for us to part ways. He walked me to the bus stop and we waited huddled together kissing passionately. He stopped moments before the bus came, then said it. "I love you."
I hate him purely for the fact he lied to me that day. He looked me straight in the eyes, brushed my cheek with his fingers, placed one hand on my waist and lied. Worse thing is I believed him and returned his words with full emotion. Mine were the truth.
The day after I waited. He told me he'd walk to mine. Said he'd be there by four. I stared out the window till eight. He never came. I rang his phone and no answer. I even contacted his ex but she didnt answer. My head told me that he'd had an emergency. My heart told me the truth. Something was wrong. I carried on ringing. Finally she answered but as soon as I annouced myself the phone was disconnected. This confirmed my fears.
Days passed and still no contact was made, yet each day I sat near the window. Four till eight. Just sitting, staring and weaping. I stopped writing, I stopped singing, I stopped smiling. My world had disapeared but the worse thing was I didnt know why.
The week finally ended and the abuse began. The phone calls started and didnt stop. His ex screamed abuse each time I answered. "Slag, Bitch, Whore, Freak". I tried to speak and it got worse. "Go die. Kill yourself. We'd all be happier.". Words escaped me when she screamed her final words on her final call. "He's mine you loser. You tried it on with him and he said no. You didnt stop though did you? Thats when he finally told me. He'd been sick of you trying it on for weeks. I trusted you! Lying whore." I remember staring at the phone after that. I stared for about a hour, blank of epression. Then I broke down. I cried. I didnt stop. I cried myself to sleep. I cried on the bus to college. I cried in college. I made sure I kept my distance from my friends. I became a loner.
A month past. I still had no answers. My friends had tried to be there for me and understand, but none had truly connected. I kept everything secret and began to paint a fake smile onto my face. My routine began to return, but I also kept my distance. My eyes were the only thing that now showed the pain. They'd aged. The hazel colouring had been replaced by a constant murky green. This only used to happen when i'd been crying. The makeup around them had disapeared. The eyeliner frame replaced with clear natural skin. I'd changed.
Another month passed. My smile began to get real. My friends were more connected. My life began to return. Happiness was back. However, another month means it had been two since i'd seen him. Two exactly. Meaning it was today. Imagine a hour earlier when my phone rang. It was a unknown number but I answered like normal. The phone almost dropped.
His voice drifted into my ear like a sirens call. Beautiful yet sinister. The conversation lasted only a few minutes. He apologised to begin with and tried to explain hes treachery while I said nothing. He'd done it for our own good, he said. It was for the best and I would see that in the long run, I could hear his voice shaking. It was lust not love, he moaned wishing for a reply. I just listened. He apparently wanted to be friends but it wouldnt be for the best. I absorbed each lie in silence. Then he muttered his goodbyes and was gone. He decided not to wait for my answer because he knew he wouldnt of gotten one. My arm then relaxed and I stared at my phone.
I've been staring for about a hour and now i've begun to cry again. I wish this circle would end.
