Short Paragraphs

Part

That's quite short... It kind of feels there's more to it than there is...

I liked how you pictured the paragraphs though, I just really wished I knew what was really happening in the story...

I hope you continue this one...

I might... Might not... Got to finish 2 novels I'm working on.......... and another one in the process of writing....

Hello there, pointe2drama! I hope you are having a fantastic day.

Alright. Although I do not normally focus on nitpicks, as they tend to be typos ninety-nine percent of the time that can be easily caught if you just read your story aloud, I feel that this piece is so short, any mistakes can degrade from it completely. So I feel a need to point your grammatical mistakes out to you, so you can be sure to fix them.

pointe2drama wrote:“You must stop it!” Hugo yelled through the dark abyss that had encircled her.

When you say that a dark abyss had encircled her, I want to know if you know the definition of abyss. An abyss is a bottomless gulf, pit, or chasm, or immeasurably long distance/space. That is how the Merriam-Webster website defines it, in the very least (you can check for yourself), and taking this into account, I am a bit confused by the statement. Are you saying a huge chasm or such had just popped out of nowhere and surrounded her? That's a bit odd and unlikely, don't you think? And if he is on the other side of this immeasurably long distance or space, even shouting would not carry his voice to her, I doubt -- and how can he see that something is even happening to her if there is a dark abyss around her?

pointe2drama wrote:“I can’t#FF0000 ">.” #FF0000 ">Her voice shook from the pain of the metamorphosis she was under-going.

Corrections of the above sentence are in red. You always need punctuation at the end of the dialogue, before the quotes, be it a comma, exclamation mark, or period. Also, you would need to capitalize "her" because it is the start of a new sentence. Remember that.

pointe2drama wrote:The scent of roses, filled her nose, masking the stink of death and decay.

The highlighted comma should be removed.

pointe2drama wrote:Snow was falling outside the window, as she turned from the world, ready to go to heaven or hell,
Whichever waited for her on the other side.

Why did you capitalize whichever? It's unnecessary.

pointe2drama wrote:Hugo stood at her coffin, his face a mask of grief.

Whoa, wait, coffin?

pointe2drama wrote:Snow was falling outside the window, as she turned from the world, ready to go to heaven or hell,
Whichever waited for her on the other side.

What window? I thought we were in a dark abyss...





Now, I am going to be completely honest here. Perhaps you need to hear this at some point. I did not like this -- at all. Normally, I can find some points in a piece that I enjoyed, but in this piece, I just did not see any "light at the end of the tunnel," so to speak. I will tell you how I think you can improve this, however.

Alright. The first issue I had with this piece is purely the way you formatted it (aka, the length). Each so-called "paragraph" was merely a line of dialogue and a cheesy, dark-death-type description. By the end of the piece, you had me rolling my eyes. Now, if you are going to pull of a story well, especially one so short, I suggest cutting down the amount of dialogue.

At the moment, that is basically all this is -- talking. By the end of the piece, we don't even have a problem solved or anything. There is just some morphing, an abyss, and lots and lots and lots of dialogue. Also, to add characterization to your dialogue, you need to use other words than just "he said" or "she said". You need to expand. When I was in lower grades, my teacher's would have this "wall of words," so to speak, and they would have all these synonyms and other ways to say 'said' and such. You can try, 'shouted' or 'groaned' or 'mumbled' or even 'she shrieked, voice resembling a deranged banshee'. That adds some meat to the dialogue, and also gives us a clearer picture in our head of how she/he is talking.

In addition to that, I would like to discuss your descriptions. They are decent, yet I feel like you can make them more unique and creative. If she is in a dark abyss, describe how she can't see. Add different senses, as well. Write now we only have a visual. You need to implement in some descriptions of smell, touch, etcetera, to make it more realistic and interesting to read.

The next issue I had with this was the choppiness. You jump from being in abyss, to some metamorphosis, and then to a coffin. By a window. Whoa! Slow down, missy! We barely have time to take in one scene before you just jump right on to the next. That disrupts any flow you had going for you, and the piece could be so much longer if you just took your time to go through each event. Describe the metamorphosis. And then describe how she ended up in a coffin, for Pete's sake. Your reader becomes too confused if you just keep jumping around like you did.

The last issue I want to address is the fact that by the end of the piece, I still could care less about what happens to your character. Who is she? I do not even know her name. I feel like you could almost add in some much needed description and "meat" by including flashbacks of her life as she goes through the metamorphosis, almost feeling like she was dying, perhaps. It would give us a better connection to her. At the moment, you told us of her pain, but you didn't show it...so I could care less, as a reader.

Overall, there are some definite things that I would like you to work on. I hope you rewrite this, though, because it has a certain potential to be something much better than what it is. Just work on adding some "meat" and length, working on your descriptions, and trying not to have such a choppy flow and fast-paced story. Calm down and describe everything...you combine a ton of events in to ten sentences. That's a lot of cramming, in my opinion. Now, I hope this review helps and wasn't just a bunch of rambling.

- Mizz