Taking Over The World (working title)

I really need feed back on this. I know it's not the best thing to be ever written, so please tear it apart!!
( and i know the prologue is supposed to have some meaning to it, but i kinda like a little something like this to start my stories. sorry if it annoys some of you advanced writers out there. =p)

Imagine, if you would, every fairytale you’ve ever heard.
What do they all have in common?
Happy endings. That’s what. But see, this time’s gonna be different. ‘Cause I’m running the show now.
Run and hide, my pretties.

Chapter One: Day 1
My name is Geneva Frost. I have black hair, green eyes, long eyelashes, and a killer sense of style. My best friend is Holly Neveri. I am 23 years old.
I’m also the most evil bitch to walk the earth.
Not just because I’m intentionally cruel to people, but because I plan to rule the world.
Yes, the whole drill where the villains try to succeed at their dastardly plans, and then the heroes stop them.
This though, is a little different from the typical story. I don’t seem like the type of human to rule the planet.
Because I do not have superpowers, or an influential government job, I fly under the radar.
And that’s how I’m going to win.
Basically, that’s all I have worked out right now. I mean, I have a general idea… but I’m still working on it. Hopefully, by this time next year, it will all have come together.
It seems kinda stupid to be all dramatic about how I’m going to rule the world, then drop the bomb on you that I have no clue about what the hell I’m doing, but give me a break. I have bigger problems to worry about right now.
Like how I’m going to pay my rent.
Yeah, I know. Ironic how an insane genius could be broke. You’d think I would have robbed a bank by now.
But as I already said, I’m not a petty criminal.
I have a job, and I love it, but it doesn’t pay much. I live near Detroit, and I work in the police department. Haha, I know what your thinking, but I’m not really an officer. I’m just one of the forensic chicks.
Since I just graduated with my major in chemistry, and my minor in sociology, I wasn’t real high up on the food chain. As a result, I probably got paid the least in the entire unit.
On the other hand, I was also the least squeamish, so that would probably be changing soon.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying any of these people freak out about the sight of blood or anything ridiculous. But they do tend to get the nightmare’s that normally come with this job.
Not me. Somehow, I manage to avoid that. Everyone viewed me as some freak of nature. That was okay with me, as long as I eventually took their positions.
For example, on the first day, rookies usually pass out when they get a glimpse of the first decaying body.
All I said was, “How awesome is that?”
I got a few glares, but after I hastily explained that I didn’t mean it was awesome the girl got murdered, they let up.

Hello there

I thought that this was very choppy, all of it. Firstly, for an introductory piece, I am not drawn in. I mean, if this is a novel, I can already tell that it's not going to be completed; not because you can't write it, but because the way you wrote just this first bit is too simple and the events are being rushed. This looks like an outline or a draft; a skeleton. So, I would suggest you take a second, think about it and add more to the piece. I'm supposed to be dreading this girl, right? At this point I don't believe what she has to offer, again, because of the choppiness. The prologue, though the concept is great, it is very loose. If you intend this to be a dark story, make me see the darkness; make me believe it. Get some emotion in there and describe the situations.
I don't know if it's a problem with your formatting but your paragraphs are too short.

However, I can tell that you've got something good going here and your writing style shows a lot of potential.
Keep writing and good luck on the rest of your story.

I tend to always find the more interesting stuff on YWS, don't I? This is interesting in both the plot and how it's written. What this reminds me of is the Maximum Ride series. Have you read those? They had ridiculously short chapters that consisted of at the most three pages, and that includes front and back being two. This reminds me of that in it's shortness and brevity. Each paragraph is one line. That's not always a good thing, especially if your idea happens to be something with so much potential. The whole take over the world thing reminds me of Despicable Me. I think this could go either as a normal fiction story, or a comedy fiction story. From how you've written so far, I'm guessing that maybe it's intended to be comedic, but I'm not for sure. But, anyways, just lengthen it up a git. Also, don't start off the way you did, telling everything off straight off the bat. The second paragraph you had? The part where she said, "I'm also the most evil bitch to walk the earth."? Yeah, I liked that. A lot. If I were you, I'd rewrite that some, and make that the opening. If I had read that sentence first, I would have gone through this story with more gusto.

I will take your advice on the opening. =) I know it needs a lot of work, and yes, i have read the maximum ride series, and i didn't really notice the connection until now. Hopefully i get some time to fix it up!

So far, I'm intrigued. I like how you begin with an intimidating character, and soon you turn her into someone more relatable and humorous. It was a nice shift, but I might draw out the initial "evil/bitchy" part a little longer, that way when we find out she's actually pretty harmless it is more of a shock.

The main technical flaw I see is your tense keeps changing near the end, in the last several paragraphs. Keep it consistent.

Also, you use the term "fairy tale" in the prologue, but this story isn't a fairy tale, per se, so it gave me a false expectation that threw me off a bit.

I'm curious, is this meant to turn into a book or a short story? If it is a novel, you are really rushing the exposition. Slow it down more and bring us in to the story gradually.

I see a lot of potential in your writing. I like your snappy style. Keep it up

Lavvi to review here.

As others have said, this is choppy. And, it is a little cliché to start a piece of writing how you started it, saying this isn't your average fairytale. I can name many books like that (My Fair Godmother, Princess Ben etc). I also suggest forming paragraphs, expanding on description. I want to get to know Geneva, I want to know her personality, how she looks, her likes and dislikes. Pretend you're meeting Geneva in real life, going to pick her up at your local airport, going to shake her hand. What's she like when you lay eyes on her? Does she appear bitter? Sweet? Simple? Mysterious? This is what the reader wants to know. You have to pull them in by the first line, like a lure to a fish in a lake.

You're the fisher and I'm the fish. The sentence is the worm.

In addition, you have a good style of writing, but it reminds me very much of how Kelly Armstrong writes. Expand your horizons and try new things.

Lavvi