Discarded but kept for... stuff

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This is my second chapter in my first novel and yes, these chapters are shorts ones. Enjoy!


Dominic watched as his coven returned, he almost pitied them as he watched them struggle with their breathing.
Almost.
He strolled across to them, ready to pounce on whatever they had done wrong.
"Dominic leave us alone!"
Dominic looked up in surprise as a pale skinned, red haired man stood before him, staring directly at his face, into his black eyes, a feature he shared with this vampire.
His eyes narrowed as he searched this man. He was dumbstruck how could anyone dare to treat him that way? He turned away from him and continued his speech.
"You need to be more careful, you know that we are not the only coven here." He paused and looked around at his coven, the man was looking to the side of the clearing. "LOOK AT ME!" He shouted to the man.
His coven looked startled over at him.
"These are serious matters, and some of you are being pig-headed fools" Dominic paced over towards a tree; he rested his head against it and sighed. "Just feast and have a rest, we are leaving in the morning." They scattered into the bush, the flushed ones finding a resting spot, the others searching for an unlucky victim.

Dominic lay on his back, watching the waking stars appear through a gap in the forest of trees that surrounded them. The pleasant silver light slips between the trees, so different to the sun yet so alike, the moon will not harm us yet leaves enough light for us see the way. Slowly Dominic fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of a dark figure that brought people back from their granted heavens back to this hell we call earth.

At the first rays of light, they set off on their journey, cutting through the trees so that only the minimum amount of sunlight reached them. Dominic lead at the front with several vampires following the trail he made through the forest. Stopping every now and then to smell the air and listen for any human sounds that could disrupt their search, a shiver passed down the back of his neck as he thought of his encounter with a human hunter in his early coven weeks.
Dominic tread through the bush tripping over sticks and pine branches that got in his way, not caring if he awakened any humans; his mind was only set on the matter at hand. A horrible nightmare, why couldn't he wake up, why was he trapped in this unforgiving world?
Suddenly a sound made him freeze, a sound he wasn't familiar with yet - the throbbing beat of a heart.
He turned and saw before him a ferocious man, tall and burly, a classic farm man carrying a rifle. He then saw his worst mistake: he had passed uncaring by a wooden cabin, the glow alighting the night. The family sat inside by a Christmas tree, something he should be doing right now. A tear slid down his cheek, a longing for home filling him. "Please," He said gesturing to the man, "I don't want to harm you." The superstitious mans eyes had narrowed and shot into the night, a sharp pain pulsing through Dominic's thigh as he fled. "Hannah, I'm glad you can't see me like this." He had sobbed as pulled out the bullet, letting the blood colour the snow red.


Dominic still had a faint scar now, a fine white circle on the back of his thigh; he traced it now on one of their breaks. His little sister was still on his mind as he tramped through the forest, the ginger haired vampire at his side, whom he had now learned was George.
Last edited by Eniarrol on Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:02 am, edited 8 times in total.
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments




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Well, first of all, I liked the story in itself. You have a good and believable main character, eventhough he is a vampire, which is a good thing to have.
On another note, vampires are used alot in stories around the world, so when you write a story about them, you should make your vampires different from the ones other people have come up with. Otherwise it all seems a little clichéd. Your vampires were leaning towards the clichéd side, so I'd try to come up with something that would set them as different, and therefore intriguing.
But as I said before, you've got a good story going on here :).

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Nitpick time.... (Changes are in #FF0000 ">red and my comments are in blue.)

Dominic watched as his coven returned#FF0000 ">; he almost pitied them as he watched them struggle with their breathing. Almost.
He strolled across to them, ready to pounce on whatever they #FF0000 ">had done wrong.
"Dominic leave us alone!" (Always start a new paragraph with speech.)
#FF0000 ">Dominic (Here I'd change "he" to "Dominic" to be clearer on who is doing the action.)looked up in surprise as a pale skinned, red haired man stood before him, staring directly at his face, into his black eyes, a feature he shared with this vampire.
His eyes narrowed as he searched this man. #FF0000 ">He was dumbstruck; how could anyone dare to treat him that way? He turned away from him and continued his speech.
"You need to be more careful, you know that we are not the only vampire coven here."
He paused and looked around at his coven#FF0000 ">; the man was looking to the side of the clearing. "LOOK AT ME!" He shouted to the man.
#FF0000 ">His coven looked over at him startled.
"These are serious matters, and some of you are being pig-headed fools" #FF0000 ">Dominic paced over towards a tree#FF0000 ">; he rested #FF0000 ">his head against it and sighed. "Just feast and have a rest#FF0000 ">; we are leaving in the morning."
They scattered into the bush, the flushed ones finding a resting spot, the others searching for an unlucky victim.

Dominic lay on his back, watching the waking stars appear through a gap in the forest of trees that surrounded them. #FF0000 ">The pleasant silver light slips between the trees, so different to the sun yet so alike, the moon will not harm us yet leaves enough light for us see the way. (If this part is a thought, italicize it. If not, change it to the past tense as the rest of the story is.) Slowly Dominic fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of a dark figure that brought people back from their granted heavens back to this hell we call earth.

At the first rays of light, they set off on their journey, cutting through the trees so that only the minimum amount of sunlight reached them. Dominic lead at the front #FF0000 ">with several vampires following the trail he made through the forest. Stopping every now and then to smell the air and listen for any human sounds that could disrupt their search, a shiver passed down the back of his neck as he thought of his encounter with a human hunter in his early coven weeks.
He tread through the bush tripping over sticks and pine branches that got in his way, not caring if he awakened any humans#FF0000 ">; his mind was only set on the matter at hand. A horrible nightmare, why couldn't he wake up, why was he trapped in this unforgiving world#FF0000 ">?
Suddenly a sound made him freeze, a sound he wasn't familiar #FF0000 ">with yet #FF0000 ">- the throbbing beat of a heart.
He turned and saw before him a ferocious man, tall and burly, a classic farm man carrying a rifle. He then saw his worst mistake#FF0000 ">: he had passed uncaring by a wooden cabin, the glow alighting the night#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">The family sat inside by a Christmas tree, something he should be doing right now. A tear slid down his cheek, a longing for home filling him.
"Please," He said gesturing to the man, "I don't want to harm you#FF0000 ">."
But the superstitious man was set on his beliefs and shot into the night, hitting Dominic in the thigh as he fled.
"Hannah, I'm glad you can't see me like this." He had sobbed as pulled out the bullet#FF0000 ">, letting the blood colour the snow red.


He still had a faint scar now#FF0000 ">, a fine white circle on the back of his thigh#FF0000 ">; he traced it now #FF0000 ">on one of their breaks. His little sister #FF0000 ">was still on his mind as he tramped through the forest, the ginger haired vampire at his side#FF0000 ">, whom he had now learned was George.

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I also noticed that you use the pronoun "he" too often. Mix it up with using the name of the character about half of the time, so it won't seem repetitive.
There were quite a few grammatical mistakes, but practice makes perfect, so keep writing and stick to this storyline, it's great so far :).

Yours truly,
|WaitingForLife|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
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Chickens are honestly little dinosaurs. And they know it.
— ChieRynn