Funerals

Fire. Its all I remember about that day, that and the hot burning pain that shot through me, that and the ice that was hammered through my heart. Because I saved the wrong person. Because when my amazing, talented, wonderful, angelic friends were burning, I saved him.

When I sleep I still hear the screams.

They brought gurneys and doctors andt I yelled until they rushed her to hospital, even though I could see it was only prolonging the inevitable. And now here I am.
I’ve never been to a funeral before. It seems ironic that my first should have enough death to last anyone a lifetime. Ten perfect coffins closed against the elements, with wood red as the colour of blood, all I have left of a dynasty to last forever. Funny how short forever can be sometimes.

The priest stands up, a different service for each girl, each precious pocket of life to end. He talks about Lissa, about how she loved to play the trumpet, and how she laughed and gave hugs as freely as water. About how she wrote songs without lyrics and thought that singers were the root of all evil. About her smile. We pray and start again, Jessie, Amanda, Sarah: a long row of love gradually disappearing into the ground, trapped under cold earth until the end of time.

I remember Kim, about how she said that she’d never be buried, that she wanted to be sent off like a Viking – set on fire and drifted down the river Thames.
Allie who played a mean violin and had half the boys in the class in love with her.
Di’s horses.
Leah’s Books.

About how Jemma loved hockey and ran up the field shouting at the top of her voice. How I used to play with her hair. How we got ready for parties together, and I looked after her guinea pigs when they had babies.
How I didn’t pull her out fast enough.

Mothers and fathers come up to me after the service.
“I’m so sorry Lizzie”
“Its terrible”
“Yasmin loved you and she’d be so proud of you for what you did”
But in their eyes I can see their jealousy, see that they’d exchange me in a heartbeat.
I don’t blame them.
And then He’s moving through the crowd, and I have to run and jump and go because He shouldn’t be alive, because I pulled him from the flames that devoured everything I held dear.

“I’m sorry”
“Go away! Leave me alone! You shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t be alive! Get out of my head just… just… Just GO”

And then I’m gone, disappearing into the forest while my family screams behind me. Must leave. Must go. Must escape.
The trees are my perfect solace, fragile crowns thrust into the sky – miracles of evolution. Solid and comforting, everything my life will never be, so I run again until I find what I am looking for.

Crawl in.
Wind down.
Goodbye.

After a week of searching, Franklin officials have finally found the body of Elizabeth James, who ran off into the forest after her friend’s funeral. Her body had shown signs of being mauled by a grizzly bear but it is suspected that she died of starvation first. Her cremation will be held next week.
And so life goes on.
He still survives.
Shot Connor.

This was an amazing piece of writing, but one thing that confused me was the last line. Shot Conner? Is that the guys name? I was a little confused about who He was and why He was capitalized. Also, is there a continuation of this? if so, please pm me when you post it. If not, then this short story needs a bit more description about who each of the characters are. Other than that, i loved it! Keep writing!

Hello there, JimmyTheMighty! I hope you are having a good Christmas Eve Eve (ha ha).

Nitpicks
Corrections (or add-ins/any type of changes) will be in red.

JimmyTheMighty wrote:Fire. It#FF0000 ">'s all I remember about that day, that and the hot burning pain that shot through me, that and the ice that was hammered through my heart. Because I saved the wrong person. Because when my amazing, talented, wonderful, angelic friends were burning, I saved him.

Alright, since I am naturally a nitpick-y person, there is a few things I noticed that are wrong with this paragraph. The first issue, not an all too major one at that, is that you forgot the apostrophe between the t and s in 'it's.' Secondly, when you state that fire is all you remember 'that day,' and then you go on to state that there's also, like, five other things you remember...well, your original statement is then proven to be false.

JimmyTheMighty wrote:They brought gurneys and doctors andt I yelled until they rushed her to hospital, even though I could see it was only prolonging the inevitable. And now here I am.

It should be "and" not "andt." Also, when you say "rushed her to the hospital," it is a tad confusing as you had just said she had many friends inside - what I assume - this burning building? Why does she only mention just this single 'her'?

JimmyTheMighty wrote:Ten perfect coffins closed against the elements, with wood red as the colour of blood, all I have left of a dynasty to last forever.

I do not quite the "all I have left of a dynasty to last forever" bit. When I read that line, it kind of confused me for a moment and made me get a bit off track of my reading.

JimmyTheMighty wrote:About how she wrote songs without lyrics and thought that singers were the root of all evil.

Could you perhaps take the time to explain why exactly she thought that singers were the root of all evil? It leaves the reader wondering, and a bit confused as well.

JimmyTheMighty wrote:Allie#FF0000 ">, who played a mean violin and had half the boys in the class in love with her.

I added in a comma after 'Allie,' because it was needed.

JimmyTheMighty wrote:Leah’s Books.

Why is books capitalized? I suggest switching it to lowercase.

JimmyTheMighty wrote:“I’m so sorry Lizzie#FF0000 ">.”
“Its terrible#FF0000 ">.”
“Yasmin loved you and she’d be so proud of you for what you did#FF0000 ">.”

Do not forget the ending punctuation inside of the quotations. Also, why not add some detail to give some extra characterization to the piece? So, perhaps: "It's terrible," said one, frail-looking woman softly. See? Now we have some details and a clearer picture of the scene.

JimmyTheMighty wrote:And then He’s moving through the crowd, and I have to run and jump and go because He shouldn’t be alive, because I pulled him from the flames that devoured everything I held dear.

You do not need to capitalize the h in 'he's' or 'he.'

JimmyTheMighty wrote:“I’m sorry#FF0000 ">.”
“Go away! Leave me alone! You shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t #FF0000 ">even be alive! Get out of my head just… just… Just GO#FF0000 ">!”

Do not forget the ending punctuation inside the quotations, once again.

JimmyTheMighty wrote:The trees are my perfect solace, fragile crowns thrust into the sky – miracles of evolution.

This sentence is beautiful; I just wanted to point out how well you did with this sentence.

JimmyTheMighty wrote:After a week of searching, Franklin officials have finally found the body of Elizabeth James, who ran off into the forest after her friend’s funeral.

Just one friend? Or many? If it's more than one friend, like I think it is, it should be: "after her friends' funeral."

JimmyTheMighty wrote:And so life goes on.
He still survives.
Shot Connor.

I felt the ending was very, very poor, and left much to be desired. I mean, you just casted away what seems to be your main character's death as trivial. 'So life goes on,' you say? She just died. Also, 'Shot Connor,' confuses me. Is that his name? Or, like, did she shoot him? Please explain.

Overall

Now, do not get too angry when I say I did not like this piece. It left so much to be desired, and I can sense you do indeed have a talent with writing, yet this feels like such a dull, drab story. There was a lot left unexplained, which I am assuming you will explain later, but how will you do that, I wonder, when your main character is seemingly dead? Please tell me she does not become some night creature, like a vampire, or - goodness forbid - Meyerpire, as they call those sparkly, dreaded vampire things.

Also, one thing I found very dislikable about this piece was how 'untrue' the emotions seemed. She is talking about the death of her friends, and is seemingly sad, but I did not sympathize with her. I did not feel her pain. And you want the reader to feel your main character's pain, to understand her sorrow - and I didn't. I felt like you were stating her sadness, and that it was almost false, as she did not seem too 'broken up' about the events.

Aside from that, I also found that your writing style was quite choppy and made up of a lot of fragments (not complete sentences). How hard is it to change a sentence like, "And I'm sad," to, "Ever since the event, I have been somber and sad." See how easy that is? In addition, I think you need to focus on adding more description to your story as well. To be honest, some of the only description I got was when you described the coffin's color. What does 'he' look like? How about your main character? Is she blonde?

Make your characters have some unique antics - during the funeral, is your main character subconsciously biting her nails or twiddling with the hem of her black funeral dress? Does she have burn marks on her arms from the fire, and does she flinch because of that when men and women come up and hug her? Add some detail, girl! Overall, it was a sketchy read and I think you have some work to do.

I hope this helps.
-Mizz

Hey, this was great! You have amazing talent and I loved some of your ideas and sentences. This piece made the reader think and hwat more, and you prefectly created the somber mood. I also didn't quite get the last sentence, but if you explain it to me I'll probably be like "Ohhh right!" Other than that great! Shadowhunter loves u

Personally I like the ending and love the piece in particular. Although I would like it if it had more description about who Conner is (Is it the person who she tried to save), Also I was a bit confused about who the main character actually was until the end and think that's a bit long to leave the reader wondering.
Overall:
I think it was a quite cool piece of writing. Well done!
-A really bad review by SweetMoments