A Speculative Fiction

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The Golden Watch

His long coat brushed noisily against his legs as he strode into the bank. Snow fell from the long, black trenchcoat that swirled around him as he stopped just inside the door and wiped his shoes on the welcome rug. Even in this enclosed atmosphere, he could still see a cloud of vapor rise with every breath. He drew the layers of clothing closer to him as a shiver racked his body, rattling his bones and causing his teeth to clatter. He jumped at the sound.
For Anni. I must do it for Anni, Michael Harper thought to himself as he joined a line in front of the elegant, marble desk of the Fisk Bank of Chicago.
So many people… Michael felt his gloved hand begin to tremble. He grabbed it and forced it to stop. Calm yourself, Michael! No one will know. No one can know. How could they?
He stood there, nervously glancing around, occasionally shifting his gaze to the large, black and white clock on the wall.
Almost noon. He fingered the golden chain that breeched the gap of the two pockets of his vest. It felt heavy and strangely warm, even in his two coats, the vest, and a white, pressed shirt, accented with his favorite brown tie. The small, round object in the vest felt as though it were burning a way through the thick layers of clothing and into his heart.
He removed his hat as a lady in a red dress with blonde curls walked by him, smiling. The weight of the wide-brimmed hat made the gloves on his hands feel slippery with sweat.
The next person in line stepped up to the desk and began to talk to the woman seated behind the iron bars. Michael moaned as he began to smile and talk in tones that meant he might be standing here a while. The woman, a cascade of dark brown curls falling over her shoulders, parted her lustrous, red lips in a gleaming, white smile and began to talk in giggly tones.
Michael sighed and ran the arm of his coat across his wet forehead. This blasted sweat made him feel even colder. He glanced at the clock again. Three minutes to noon. He was almost out of time. Time… How many wished to control it… Oh that he could skip forward in time right now.
Two men brushed by him and he nodded to them nervously, forcing a smile. Do they know what a responsibility this is? I am using it for a good cause. But they wouldn’t understand. No one understands.
“Hey Pal, everyone else here needs to finish their business too. Leave the lady alone and scram.”
Michael jumped as the loud voice echoed through the room. He saw a thin, greasy haired fellow just ahead of him addressing the man who was still standing at the desk. Many in the line put in their own protests.
The man sighed, dropped his head, then raised it again and handed the lady a piece of paper before taking a wad of cash from her and stuffing it in his pocket. He turned and walked away, but not before sending an angry look towards the man who had shouted at him, his leather shoes tapping against the solid, marble floor.
Michael felt himself tense as the next person in line stepped to the desk. Why is this so hard? He fingered the golden chain once more, twisting and twirling it about his fingers.
The minutes ticked by and he felt as though he had begun to panic. The man concluded his business, nodded politely, and then exited the bank.
Finally, his hands shaking, Michael stepped forward to the desk and towards the brunette behind it.
“Good afternoon sir, what can I do for you?”
Good afternoon… “Uh, yes, I need you to give this to your boss for me.”
He slid forward a slip of paper. Her red fingernails flashed in the light as she picked it up and looked at it.
Michael took the watch from his pocket and toyed with it in his hand. She had not gotten a good look at his face yet. He had to do it now or not at all. He looked down at the golden circle in his hands and placed his thumb over the small button to open it.
He wavered for a second.
The clock struck noon and began to toll out the tones. Michael counted.
The toll sounded its sixth note. His hand shook.
Seventh note. He felt a bead of sweat run down his face.
There would be no turning back.
The tenth note struck.
He pushed the button.




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The writing is really great... I could feel Michael's impatience, almost like I was there.

However... I have to admit that I'm hopelessly confused as far as what exactly happened.

He was in a bank? And... well, I guess the question is what exactly happened when he pushed the button, and why was he so anxious?

Well, I guess you'll explain further in another post... and, if not, the writing was still pretty fantastic.

--
TabbyGirl




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Hey, Tyler.

This is an interesting piece. I'm assuming that you may write more of it at some point, because at the moment it is essentially unsatisfying. It's not a bad piece of writing, but you obscure details to the point where it's hard to be captivated by the scenario. In addition to this, a lot of the beginning of the piece feels like it's just there to fill in words. I'm talking about the description of clothes, mainly, which comes across as a bit excessive.

I wouldn't say that you describe too much, but since we have almost no idea of the plot itself, the description has become the meat of the story. There are some sentences that become overburdened with the weight of your adjectives and they threaten to overwhelm everything else.

The woman, a cascade of dark brown curls falling over her shoulders, parted her lustrous, red lips in a gleaming, white smile and began to talk in giggly tones.


This sentence is an example of this habit. Again, I don't think it's bad description, but it might be a good idea to tone it back a little.

Another problem here is the integration of thoughts. The constant switch from the third person to the first person thoughts does jar a bit here. It might be worth thinking about writing the whole thing in first person. That would also fix some of the other problems, I think. You could add more insight into the situation, while making it clear that all of the description is a product of the narrator's stressed analysis of the situation. If you don't like to use first person, that's fine, but it's something that's worth thinking about.

The good thing is that on the technical side, you've given me almost nothing to complain about. Couple of small nit-picks for you here.

“Hey Pal, everyone else here needs to finish their business too. Leave the lady alone and scram.”


Comma between "Hey" and "Pal," perhaps? Also, if he's using "Pal" as a generic address instead of a name or nickname for the character, I don't think it needs to be capitalised.

Good afternoon… “Uh, yes, I need you to give this to your boss for me.”


Should "Good afternoon" be inside the speech marks?

And that's all I've got for you. I'd be interested to see what you make of this, if you do anything else with it. PM me if you post any more or if you have any questions about my review. Hope I've helped out a little.

-Mat




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Hey guys, Tyler here, this is a finished piece. I've put it on here to see what people thought of it so I think I'll post the next part here in a sec. It's a 6,000+ word piece so I didn't want to put all of it here. As for the description, that's one of my biggest faults... I'm sorry if it's overwhelming. Fantasy tends to cause you to over-explain sometimes. And I would do it first-person but I don't like it much and this is not the main character. Thank you for pointing out that I switch between the two though, I will fix that. I'm glad you like it!

Tyler




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Tyler I take my hat off to you on this one. This was a good piece!
The story flowed easily and although you struggled a little bit with descriptions like you said, it wasn't that huge of a deal. I'm looking for part two right now, it's only two in the morning after all. ;)
~day
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