Into Darkness~ 2

Nevermind Nevermind Nevermind....

I got a bad review and found out I take criticism very poorly.

I can't have something indecent posted in my name... especially when I got good responses last time. I need to recollect everything and figure this out.... I have to totally redo this.

Gah... I'm frustrated...

Anyway, I'm sorry, really... I don't know when I'll be able to repost this.

--
TabbyGirl

Heya there!

I had forgotten I read the first chapter till I clicked on your link above xD

Description:

Greatly lacking, I'm afraid. This piece has the talking head syndrome . And, besides that, your reader has no idea where your characters are. Besides in some random tunnels beneath the castle. You're writing First Person, so picture wherever your characters are in your mind and describe it in your own words. Then go back and throw some descriptive words here and there. It'll make it easier. Give some life to your settings! Give your characters some actions. Breathe some life into your work. You have the talent, you just have to find your full potential.

Characters:

Not much development going on here. Your MC shows his bitterness well, his sister composed herself rather well. But that's about it. No other emotions are shown. Facial expressions are good. Give your characters some life. They all seem a tad bit flat. Head on over to the Knowledge Base, Writing Tutorials. Scan through there for some articles on character development. I noticed quite a few. They'll surely help you out. Also, your MC needs some more thoughts here and there.
Even the other survivors are blah and not much explanation follows Charlie and his niece.

Story:

It didn't move at all. Sorry to say, but your plot kind of hung there throughout this chapter. No explanation why the Bathaali attacked. No history of Viorest. You need to give your readers something to go along with. As it is, I don't feel very compelled to continue reading on. Besides maybe to see if they get out of the tunnels alright.

Overall:

It's a good storyline, but you need to put more into the writing. More description, more character development and you need to move your plot along. This has plenty of potential and only you can bring it to that.

If you have any questions, PM me!

Toodles!

Meadow