My Garden

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2218
Reviews 297
My Garden

I wander through this endless garden.
Giant, jolly, fuzzy bumble bees buzz by me.
Flowers flop happily as I push past them.
Sweet fragrance fills the air.

I smile, filling myself with the sweetness,
As it fills me it melts my worries away.
All I need to know is me,
And my garden.
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 15446
Reviews 136
I think that you did an okay job on this poem. At some points it seems sort of childish and I feel this could be remided by using more advanced vocabulary.
Giant, jolly, fuzzy bumble bees buzz by me.
Flowers flop happily as I push past them.
When you are writing a poem you can play with the structure of your lines to change the rythm and make it more interesting. I would have rewritten the top sentences to look like this:
Giant, jolly
bumble bees
Buzz
Past me
Just have fun with it. Hopefully you find my little review helpful. Fiction




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 22
Justagirl wrote:My Garden

I wander through this endless garden;
Giant, fuzzy bumble bees buzz by me.
Flowers flop happily as I push passed them,
Their sweet fragrance fills the air.

I smile, filling myself with the sweetness
As it fills me it melts my worries away. You're using the word 'fill' a lot, perhaps a synonym?
All I need to know is me,
And my garden. <--Somehow is it possible to lengthen this last line to make it more symmetrical?


It was a good poem, but the imagery felt forced. I like the idea behind it, but it felt empty of emotion. It was interesting and unique, keep up the writing!
'Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia' - E.L. Doctorow.



This is a message to all you out there. You don't have to be the fastest writer. You don't have to write 2000 words in one sitting. But if you put your mind to it and really love your project, you can and will get further along than you ever thought possible.
— FireEyes