Chess Pieces- Tuesday, Spetember 12. Part 2.

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Thanks for reading! Weather you read it or not, I'm going to keep posting! Tenyo, by the way, thanks! I took your advice. This is the second part of that.

“I thought you hated me. Now you want me to stay.” He said.

“Well, last night, some new people moved in next to me. I heard a scream in the middle of the night. I went over
the next morning, and I saw a dead woman. When I went back to my cave, It was trashed. They wrote something on the wall. What does it say? I know this is a big favor from a stranger, but… can you stay the night? I’m scared.” I admit, hanging my head. I can’t believe I let a stranger into my house, and a mage.

“Well, would you like to come to me and my friend’s cabin instead? We can bring your stuff, and you’ll be protected by two mages instead of one.” He must have seen me shiver slightly and back away a tad. “She’s nice to, don’t worry. Though she does have a dog that may scare you a bit.” I nodded, and started to gather some stuff. I scooped up the small pile, and he offered some help.

“One who will offer help to a yameto, even if you are a zento, is sum’fem. I can’t let you labor yourself with my things.” I reply. After seeing his questioning glance, I add “Sum’fen. It means very crazy or very nice and generous. Usually crazy. It is mainly used to imply one citizen helping another one of a lower class, but it’ll do for my purposes.” And we started to walk. As soon as we got to the slums, it was night, so there were drug dealers, prostitutes, and drunkards about. I sped up, eager to get to civilized areas.

“Ah, Ok. Now, what do you do all day?” He asked.

“What happened to the three question rule?”

“Get rid of it.” He made some weird noise, as if throwing something away. "Good bye. No more."

“Ok. First, I go to the ocean to eat. Then, I set up shop at the gengasi, or market place. There I sell the things the fish find me. I made 7 sliver kuns today. The most I’ve ever made was 8 gold kuns for a diamond. Usually around 3 silver kuns a day. Then I go back to the ocean, get stuff from the fish, and eat. Then go home. Been the same way for, I don’t know how long. A couple years?” I explain.

“What do you mean by eat?”

“With Benko, a shark. We eat tuna, or whatever is the nearest school of fish.”

“It doesn’t bother you? To eat the animals that come to you for help?”

“Not when I’m a shark. I didn’t ever use my magic to hunt for them. Humans were made to hunt. How far is your hotel, anyways?”

“Well, it’s on Banleeto and Reenle street.”

“Oh, were going in the complete wrong direction. Follow me. As a yameto, I know every inch of this town and its sewage system.” I explain, turning us to go between the alleyways. He followed quietly behind, ready to attack. “The alleyways are completely safe. Usually, the people who travel these ways are poor, or will deal in the slums. You have no need to be alarmed.”

“I still don’t trust it. The sooner out of here, the better.”

“We can detour out to the main street, but there are people who would kill us. We would have a much bigger chance of survival if we cling to the alleys until Banleeto.”

“Fine. Just get me there quick as possible.” He snapped. I navigated through the system, with the ease of long practice. He had some weird glaze over his eyes, and he didn’t blink. When he started to run into walls, I hesitantly took his hand and directed him.

“Hey.” I said. “Hey, wake up.” I said, snapping my fingers in front of his face. If he were anyone else, I would have slapped him to wake him, but he was a mage. He might do some weird dance and kill me, or whatever mages do.

“What? There was a beautiful rose I was talking to…” He said it before he realized what he said, if that makes sense. I dropped his hand, and blended into the shadows. I hid there for a minute or two, until he admitted: “I’m sorry, and look. I’m tied down to the floor. Oops.” He said. That scared me even more. I ran to the corner, and peered over at him. He had the vines gone. “Blossom, you have to either trust me or go back home. We won’t be getting anywhere soon if you are terrified of me and my friend. So make the decision now. I’ll protect you. I know what this life is like. I used to live it. You may think you're fine, but you need help. I know you have bad experiences with mages. But my friend told me something. There are two types of mages, yamto-”

“Yamento.”

“Ok, yamento mages, and Abento mages."

"The Good and the Bad. It's a famous story. The lower-class amento were always framed as villans, wiht the high-class Abento framed the hearo, slayling the bad guy."

"The the good and the bad, yes. You chose what path to walk. A nice person can turn evil, but an evil person will never turn nice. The man who hurt your parents- he was evil. He was purely evil, down to the bone. But you know I’m nice. I could have killed you by now. Be honest; would and evil person invite a stranger into their home?” I shook my head. “So you have to trust me. And by trusting me, you trust my friend. So do you want to come, or go back home?” In reply, I took his hand again and started down the public street to Reenle Street.

“What is the house number?” I ask.

“The hotel is…19473.” My bottom jaw hung down.

“I can’t go in there. They will never let me in the famous Ton’hite hotel! Ton’hite means rich man!" I explained to him. He was like a child, not knowing any of his first words.

“I think we can get you in. You don’t understand my rank upon mages.” I winced, but held on to his hand.

“Improving.” He muttered. We walked to the tower. He dragged me to the door. The door opened for us, and I saw
the inside of the hotel for the first time. There were diamond chandlers, velvet seats, and a huge, pretty, pearly white counter. Kyle, with me in tow, walked to it.

Hello, Kyle. May I see your room key?” The older man behind the counter asked. He passed it over, and he scanned it. “And can I have her I.D key?” I reluctantly dug it out. HE looked it over “Tsk tsk tsk. Sorry, but you must get out. Well, not really sorry.” What I didn’t go, he pulled out the whip that far too many high class people have. He flung it back, and cracked it against the small of my back. I ran, but the man got out from behind the counter and whipped my three more times before I got far enough. “And stay out, you filthy parasite!” He yelled, laughing, as I hauled butt to the corner, and dropped my stuff.

“Blossom! Where are you?”

“Get away!” I yelled. “You’re just like all the rest! I trusted you! And you let me get whipped! Let me show you something!” By then he was by me. I turned around and showed him my back. It was decorated my 15 snake-like bruises, and three new red spots. “If you ever knew how just one felt, you wouldn’t torture me! I’m through with being a rich-man’s toy!” Tears were streaming down my face.

“Blossom-”

“No! I don’t want to talk to you ever! Go away! You and you fake little stories of good and evil! You’re all wrong! There are only evil people, except people who are like me or beat by someone! Go away!” I screamed. I started again, but I was crying too hard between the sting of the whip and the fact that the one person I may have trusted was betraying me. Someone in the distance was running this way. “No! Get away! I never want to see another person again!” The shadow, which I now realize was a female, was calling to Kyle. I took this time to run, only to realize that my feet were secured down by plants. “Let me go, you filthy cheater!” I yell. They were close enough that I could hear the conversation.

“Kyle, what is this racket about? I’m trying to sleep! And I can see your magic is causing a commotion down here!” The girl asked. Kyle explained the situation, while I continued to scream and whine.

“So, you see, I’m trying to get her to calm down.”

“You are sure this is her?”She asked.

“Absolutely positive. You can tell from her voice. Help me calm her, please!” Kyle asked. The lady came up to me, and I screamed:

“Get away, you’re just as bad as the rest! Go, now! I’ll make you!” I yelled. Her eyes met mine, and all I saw was the same expression my ma always had. I saw devotion, caring, and mercy. The most I saw, though, was love. Without warning, she scooped me up in a big hug. I didn’t fight it. Instead, I cried into her shoulder just like I cried into my ma’s when Da was killed. I cried and cried and cried, Until there wasn’t a drop of liquid in my body. She pulled from the hug and said:

“All you knew was hate since your parents died. From everyone but Benko, and the fishes, and the water. We’re going to help you to do more with Benko, more with the fishes, and much more with the water. But for now, would you like to get some revenge on that evil man?” She asked. I hugged her again, and whispered:

“Don’t let him get me. Don’t let anyone else get me, or hit me, or kick me, or steal from me, or bloody my nose.” I pleaded.

“I won’t. No one will get you. Not ever again.” There was a weird quiver to her voice, and I realized she was crying.

“Do you want to come up to the hotel again, or do you want to go home?” Kyle went over and whispered into her ear why I wasn’t there now. “I guess that’s out of the question. Let’s go up to the hotel, and if he tries to whip you, I’ll make him never forget it.” I nodded. She got up and took my hand, and grabbed my stuff. I stayed behind her as we entered the hotel.

“You two don’t come back with that little brat. I don’t care if you’re the emperor, I forbid her to enter.” He said. He took out the whip. I made a bee-line for the door, but the lady hung on to my hand. I whimpered, but she wouldn’t let go. I kept pulling until the lady spoke up.

“I’m sorry, I don’t believe you know who we are. Maybe this will help you?” She asked handing over her I.D. When he scanned it, something came up so that he said:

“I’m sorry, master Skyler. Please, do as you wish. Just have mercy on me for the… misunderstanding.”

“Thank you.” She said, approaching the elevator. She pushed a button, and the doors slid open to reveal a sand-colored room. “Were on floor 3.” She said as we walked in. After a couple minutes of silence, she asked: “Can you push the button that says 3?” I stayed silent still. Kyle whispered something in her ear. I was trying, I really was. The numbers could as well of been in Gotyum, or another language, since I didn’t know any writing. She pushed a button and the elevator door closed and started to go up.

“When do we take the stairs?” I asked.

“This is instead of stairs,” She says.

“But only the rich people don’t have to use stairs,” I said. The doors opened, and we stepped out. She took me to a room a couple doors down. Using some sort of card, she unlocked the door and opened the door. Nonchalantly Kyle walked into the room, or more like a house. It was huge! There was more than one room!

“Rose!” She called. “I’m home!” A bear came racing from the other room and pounced on her. She held it like a
puppy. I realized that it was a dog. It noticed me, and jumped down from her grip. Wiggling his tail, it jumped on me. Pearls flung from my bag to attack the dog. I tried to stop them, but it was to late.

“Shame on you! This lady welcomed me into her home and you attack her bear, or dog, or whatever it is! Now go back to the bag where you should learn some manners!” I scold them.
We thought it was hurting you, one said.
We weren’t going to let it. Another said. I pointed towards the bag, silently apologizing. They rolled back to the bag and their original position.

“Well, let’s get to bed.” The lady said, not in the least bit surprised by my action. “And by the way, my name is Skyler.” I went through my stuff to find a long rag I had made. There was a long tear in it, so I got out an old sewing kit and started to sew it up. “Is that your nightgown?” She asked. I nodded my head. She went through her stuff and revealed a shirt. “Wear this, until we can get you some proper things.” I took the shirt, and Kyle went into the bathroom to change I went to the corner where no one could see me. I took of my shirt and slid on the good one.

“There, good?” I asked.

“Can I see your back again?” I was used to this. I slid the back of the shirt off. She gasped when she saw me back.

“What happened?”

“Well, trying to come into a free buffet, taking some loose change off the ground near someone, things like that.”

“People did that?” She asked.

“That, and” I slid the front of my shirt off, up to my breasts. “And that.” My front was one big blob of a bruise.

“That’s what happens when the rich man gets a club into his hands, and your too close.”

“That’s vicious! They’re barbarians!” She yelled. Obviously, she was from another country. She went back into her
bag and got some type of cream. The next fifteen minutes were devoted to covering every inch of my body with it. Turns out my hips were the worst. Kyle asked many times if he could come out. Eventually, Skyler said yes.

“Tomorrow, we’ll go down to the beach, after we get you a swimsuit.” Kyle offered.

“But I have to set up shop first. I can’t let you do all of this with no reward.”

“You don’t need to give us anything,” He said. I got all of the things the fish found in the morning, and a jar of seawater. I taught it that it can keep making waves, even though it’s in a jar, not the ocean.

“No, you are doing this all for me. I have to do something for you.” I insist.

“We can go down to the marketplace for a couple hours, then down to the beach, If you like.” Skyler said. I nodded my head.

“For now, I used all my magic to find you. Let’s go to sleep.” Kyle pleaded.

“You looked for me?” I asked, flinching when he said magic.

“I had too. I saw you in the water and knew that you weren’t like everyone else, somehow. So I used my magic to follow you home.”

“Ok, just a little weird.”

“Yes, but it’s good that we found you. If you can’t control yourself, then-” Kyle started to say, but I was already asleep.
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.




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I'm Back!

I like the way this chapter is written compared to the last, it's much better written, the last one seemed a bit forced. So, what to comment on? Some of these are kind of linked together, so I apologise if I repeat anything.

Sum'fem... or is that Sum'fen?
I assume that's a typo, but you've used two different words up there in the fourth paragraph.
Each character needs to have their own voice. If they speak a different language or dialect then aspects of that will show through in the things they say, but these are generally words spoken on umpulse. Common words like 'sure,' 'thanks' or curse words would be spoken in a different language. They should be woven seamlessly into your text, which is a hard thing to get the hang of. If it doesn't come naturally, it's best to leave it out.

Mysterious words-
Learning a completely new word that can't be understood simply by context can take time for your reader, so if you make up a word, put as many clues in the sentence as possible to indicate what that word means without making your reader feel stupid. For example, if Boggles are good guys and Dobbles are bad guys, then you would say "as I approached the Dobbles, the stentch of evil leaking from their ears...' okay, not the most poetic of lines, but you get the idea.
I mention this because it sticks out most in this line; "...yameto, even if you are a zento, is sum’fem..." I know you have explained the meanings of these words at some point, but this line is like reading another language, because there are so many words that would be unfamiliar to your reader.

Tell it as it is.
People will warn you to show not tell, but somtimes you should just avoid the fuss. Instead of having your characters take time out to explain things to eachother that they might already know, just tell your reader straight. It will save time, and your characters won't lose their identities by turning into narrators. Make it clear, keep it short, and it shouldn't be too hard to avoid info-dumping.

Okay, try this...
Have you ever thought of scripting your work before writing it as a chapter? The next chapter you write, script it out first. Imagine rhetorically that your reader already knows everything that they need to know, and just write the dialogue and only relevent actions (like entering or exiting the scene.) Then look at it line by line and ask which ones fit your characters personality, and which ones don't. Consider how fast their emotions are changing between these lines.
Writing your novel like this will give you a better perspective on what's going on and how your characters are acting. Get that right, and then you put all the good stuff back in.

Don't forget to add this to your novel page! And keep up the good work :)
We were born to be amazing.



Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
— Abraham Lincoln