thriller don't turn on the light

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Chapter 1
She commanded the room in the basement of her dorm as soon as she realized she would have to pull an all-nighter in order to prepare for tomorrow’s final exam. Her roommate, Jenna, liked to get to bed early, so she packed up everything she thought she would need and went downstairs to study . . . and study . . and study some more.
Continue of chapter 1
It was two o’clock, when she realized that she’d left one of the textbooks upstairs on her bed. With a dramatic sigh, she rose, and climbed the stairs slowly to her third-floor dorm room. The lights were dim in the long hallway, and the old boards creaked under her weary tread. She reached her room and turned the handle as softly as she could, pushing the door open just enough to slip inside, so that the hall lights wouldn’t wake her roommate.
End of chapter 1
The room was filled with a strange, metallic smell. She frowned a bit, her arms breaking out into chills. There was a strange feeling of malice in the room, as if a frizzing gaze were fixed upon her.  It was a mind trick; the all-nighter was catching up with her.
Chapter 2
She could hear Jenna breathing on the far side of the room—a heavy sound, almost as if she had been running. Jenna must have picked up a cold during the last tense week before finals.
She crept along the wall until she reached her bed, groping among the covers for the stray history textbook. In the silence, she could hear a steady drip-drip-drip sound. She sighed silently. Facilities would have to come to fix the sink in the bathroom…again.

Continue of chapter 2
Her fingers closed on the textbook. She picked it up softly and withdrew from the room as silently as she could.
Relieved to be out of the room, she hurried back downstairs, collapsed into an overstuffed chair and studied until six o’clock.  She finally decided that enough was enough. If she slipped upstairs now, she could get a couple hours’ sleep before her nine o’clock exam.

End of chapter 2
The first of the sun’s rays were beaming through the windows as she slowly slid the door open, hoping not to awaken Jenna. Her nose was met by an earthy, metallic smell a second before her eyes registered the scene in her dorm room. Jenna was spread on top of her bed against the far wall, her throat cut from ear to ear and her nightdress stained with blood. Two drops of blood fell from the saturated blanket with a drip-drip noise that sounded like a leaky shower.
Final Chapter
Scream after scream poured from her mouth, but she couldn’t stop herself any more than she could cease wringing her hands. All along the hallway, doors slammed and footsteps came running down the passage.
Within moments other students had gathered in her doorway, and one of her friends gripped her arm with a shaking hand and pointed a trembling finger toward the wall. Her eyes widened in shock at what she saw. Then she fainted into her friend’s arms.
On the wall above her bed, written in her roommate’s blood, were the words: “Aren’t you glad you didn’t turn on the light?”

The End




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Gender Female
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I love the story. it is so dramatic. I love the ending. you should write more to the story like that more people get killed and the killer should be like after your MC and she starts trying to figure out who is killing off people. other people might not like this story but I love it. It's horror and mystery. That is a really good combination.




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I've heard a story like this! Scared the crap out of me when my buddy told it to me one night! Except it was a girl that had left and then came back for her purse I believe. When she came back the next morning, her three friends were dead and the bathroom mirror had a message written in blood, "You're luck you didn't turn on the lights." I was like twelve at the time. Very well done, and very thrilling. I liked the elements you used. Now to the critiques.
"She commanded the room in the basement of her dorm" I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this. Is she in charge of it? Is she commanding the room to do something? Make it a bit more clear. ;)
"It was two o’clock, when she realized that she’d left one of the textbooks upstairs on her bed." "until six o’clock. She finally decided that enough was enough." This sentence seems to break up the tension you're building. You're able to follow the character and then there's a jump where we've missed a ton of stuff (not really but it feels that way since we didn't experience what happened during this amount of time that we missed). I would suggest saying something like "She cracked the first book, Algebra 1. She sighed. This would be a long night.
2x+6y=Sq. rt of 72... She broke from the book. Why was this so hard? She glanced at the clock." It tends to make the story flow a bit better.
I love the "all-nighter" description. I've experienced that before so I could relate immediately and I was there with the character. The sounds, the smell, very well done. I felt as though I were creeping along with her.
"and studied until six o’clock." you did the same thing here. Maybe have her get into whatever subject she had picked up from the dorm and then possibly jerk awake and realize she had dozed for an hour or something. Again, helps a bit with the flow so we readers don't feel as though we missed anything. ;)
As for the end, it's good, a bit rushed it felt but I'm sure you'll polish it if you think it needs it later. Keep writing!




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Wow great job. I was literally on the edge of my chair, feeling really scared. I've also heard a story like this. But it was just with one lady and she thought the person licking her from under her bed was her dog, but it was actually the killer. You definitely have a talent for writer horror stories.

I only saw one or two grammar errors, so I'm not going to worry about pointing them out.

Keep up the good work!
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




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