The Zenith Chapter 2

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Chapter 2
My thoughts continued to stray away from their intended track and I found myself on a thought that always left me dumbfounded when I thought about it. “There is nothing without sacrifice.” The words were on my parent’s gravestone that literally meant nothing to me. There was nothing “sacrificed” in my life. My parents had died giving themselves to save me. No killing curse or big bad guy trying to kill me. They had died a pretty mundane way. It was a normal Christmas day. We had a big feast and then settled down in the living room where I fell asleep. When I got up it was still dark and I couldn’t find my parents. For some reason the door was open so I figured that they had gone outside to enjoy the weather (it was my mom’s favorite). As I neared the front a strange smell filled my nostrils. It wasn’t familiar but I knew that something was wrong. The thought had only occurred to me when the house, my life, my parents exploded right in front of my eyes. A gas leak had started in the basement and it reached the fireplace which only minutes ago I was in front of. I had no other family so I went to live with my best friend Zach. That’s where I have been for the past year.
Speak of the devil that’s where we had just stopped. Zach’s house (my house) was filled with a familiar scent to me yet every time I smelled it I cringed. As we reached the door the smell of wet dog wafted through the air. I opened the door to find Zach sitting on the couch, brushing his teeth, and trying to put on his shoes. Just like werewolves to always try and overdo themselves.
Zach was a slender boy and if you didn’t know him you wouldn’t see any hint that he could at any moment turn into ferocious beast. His hair matched his fur with its jet-black look. His black eyes only furthered his emo look. He was scrawny and unlike his wolf form he bore no muscular appearance. I had seen Zach very rarely in his wolf form but it didn’t mean I hadn’t had to deal with some of the effects over the years. In wolf form he was just a foot under me when he was all fours and when he got on his hind legs he towered over me. Sometimes he would get a sudden irresistible urge to jump out of the window and run wild into the night. Hours later I would get a call asking me to bring him clothes. So I would gather some stuff up and find which bushes he would be hiding in. After that we would go grab a bite to eat.
“Hey Zach,” I said, “we have to hurry up or else we’ll be late.” “Yeah I know. It’s not my fault my friends slipped away into the night and forgot to wake me up.” He said with a sly smile at me and Lyna. He grabbed his bag and we left the house again. We walked for a while until we neared our bus stop. Yes, even vampires and werewolves have to ride the bus. As we waited I couldn’t help but think how weird it was that all of these crazy things were happening in probably the most uneventful state in the U.S. The bus came and we were the last to get on. The trip to school was short yet fantastic. After picking up enough people to fill 3 busses we darted into a deep forest. As we neared the end of the forest we went off of a cliff. Yes a cliff. The bus just sailed right over the edge and to our surprise we fell and fast. But of course as we neared the bottom the bus leveled out and our decent was slowing down. We landed on the bottom with only a slight bump. More to my surprise the bottom was completely level. Right in its center stood the most magnificent building I had ever seen.
It was huge for one and I was amazed that I hadn’t seen it on our decent into the crater of the cliff. I looked up and then realized how far we had really fallen. Needless to say it should have killed us. I turned my attention to back to the school but as I turned I looked at everyone else’s faces. They were all gawking just like I was about to. They hadn’t even noticed me blatantly staring at them. The school had thick Victorian walls that slowly crested to a point at the top. At each of the tips I expected to see a cross but instead there was a pentagram. Yes, a pentagram. Wasn’t that supposed to be the sign of the devil? Oh never mind. It only stood for the devil when the point was facing down. I hadn’t the slightest clue on what I meant when the pentagram was facing down. My attention was then averted to a thin person obviously a professor striding toward us. She looked amused by the fact that we were all still staring at the school.
“Welcome.” She said “to Bartholomew High, the school where you will not only learn to master what powers you know but to discover new powers that are lying dormant in your body. By the time you leave this building you will no longer be kids; you will be full fledged adults. That will be expected to now our ways and abide by them. Announced to you, you will be living here.”
Some people moaned, some squealed with delight, and others (like me, Zach, & Lyna) did nothing at all. “Now you will be split into three groups and given a tour of the school at the end of the day you will choose a roommate and find your room. Your bags will be there waiting for you when you arrive.” As she said this two other professors arrived and began yelling out names. Thankfully Zach and Lyna were in my group, along with a few other students that I recognized and some I didn’t.
That’s when I saw her. She was probably the single most beautiful girl in the world. She had a natural beauty like that of Lyna’s but she was paler and had the most awesome punk look going on. She had obvious extensions in her hair which made her hair blue, dark brown, and bleach blonde. Her eyes were a vibrant shade of green which she outlined in eye liner but not too much like some people who actually thought that looked good. Just as I noticed myself staring I heard a name called and saw her respond. “Lilly Stephens,’ called an unrecognized male voice. Of course she was in the group opposite of mine. Damn I thought. The moment I talked to the girl of my dreams would have to wait, but at least I knew her name, Lilly.
“You gonna drool over her all day or do actually want to get on with this tour,” said Zach nearly scaring me right out of my pants. “Oh what? You mean her. Ha you thought I was drooling over her. No way!!! I mean she isn’t……. I didn’t know how to say because what was she? Beautiful, amazing, trance causing and none of those things were bad. “Sure whatever you say man,” he said with a slap on my back. I thanked god that he had saved me from answering a question which would have easily exposed that I liked her.




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Whao you blew my mind!
This is amazing, I don't think i would change anything. :)
My thoughts continued to stray away from their intended track You could change it to ( my thoughts continued to go astray from their intended path.) Just a suggestion.
playing with fire water




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My thoughts continued to stray away from their intended track and I found myself on a thought that always left me dumbfounded when I thought about it.

This sentence is terrible. Take it out. It's a bad opening line that scares away readers more than anything. It's wordy, vague, and unnecessary. Just start the chapter with "There is nothing without sacrifice."

The words were on my parent’s gravestone that literally meant nothing to me

Misuse of "literally." Ever hear of Amelia Bedelia? That's literal. "Christmas is just around the corner" and she goes down the hallway and turns a corner and is disappointed when she doesn't find Christmas. Likewise, if something "literally means nothing to you", it means you cannot even comprehend the words. "QTjz caE Ra@$4232 5afZCX+3" literally means nothing. "There is nothing without sacrifice" just means nothing to him (in a figurative sense).

My parents had died giving themselves to save me.

What? The house blew up. I don't get how they saved the MC.

...a strange smell filled my nostrils.

"Filled my nostrils." Okay. We understand how smelling works, so just say "I smelled something strange."

. It wasn’t familiar but I knew that something was wrong. The thought had only occurred to me when the house, my life, my parents exploded right in front of my eyes.

What? He knew something was wrong (then and there, before the explosion). Then the thought occurred to him when the explosion happened? Your words and sequence of events are confusing. Plus, "my parents exploded" is a rather humorous phrase. That probably isn't your intention, so you should change it.

Speak of the devil that’s where we had just stopped.

Really unnecessary segue. Just start with "Zach's house..."

Zach’s house (my house) was filled with a familiar scent to me yet every time I smelled it I cringed.

What? Why is Zach's house his house? I mean, I guess it's his house now, but the parentheses are just really weird and unneeded. And why does he cringe? No explanation?

His hair matched his fur with its jet-black look.

Don't bend over backwards to give descriptions. Plus, he's not a werewolf now, right? So why talk about fur? And why is it a "jet-black look"? Why can't it just be "jet-black"?

He was scrawny and unlike his wolf form he bore no muscular appearance.

Again, you're adding way too many words to give description. Just say "He was scrawny, unlike his muscular wolf form." "He bore no muscular appearance" just sounds like something you'd find poorly translated on the back of a Ramen box.

“Hey Zach,” I said, “we have to hurry up or else we’ll be late.” “Yeah I know. It’s not my fault my friends slipped away into the night and forgot to wake me up.” He said with a sly smile at me and Lyna. He grabbed his bag and we left the house again. We walked for a while until we neared our bus stop. Yes, even vampires and werewolves have to ride the bus. As we waited I couldn’t help but think how weird it was that all of these crazy things were happening in probably the most uneventful state in the U.S. The bus came and we were the last to get on. The trip to school was short yet fantastic. After picking up enough people to fill 3 busses we darted into a deep forest. As we neared the end of the forest we went off of a cliff. Yes a cliff. The bus just sailed right over the edge and to our surprise we fell and fast. But of course as we neared the bottom the bus leveled out and our decent was slowing down. We landed on the bottom with only a slight bump. More to my surprise the bottom was completely level. Right in its center stood the most magnificent building I had ever seen.

My god, make use of some paragraphs. 1) Different paragraphs when different people speak. 2) Different paragraphs to block off the action into logical phrases.
"The bus just sailed right over the edge and to our surprise we fell and fast. But of course as we neared the bottom the bus leveled out and our decent was slowing down."
He's surprised that it falls, yet he's like "of course it leveled out, though, and we slowed down." Then he's surprised again when the ground is level. Oooo, level ground. Among the three things happening there, I'm pretty sure the most surprising bit is the flying bus that dives and swoops and lands gently. But instead, he's surprised about 1) gravity and 2) flat ground.

They were all gawking just like I was about to

"Just like I was about to." Weak.

At each of the tips I expected to see a cross but instead there was a pentagram. Yes, a pentagram. Wasn’t that supposed to be the sign of the devil? Oh never mind. It only stood for the devil when the point was facing down. I hadn’t the slightest clue on what I meant when the pentagram was facing down.

[Description. Yes, Description. Question? Rebuttal. Explanation. I actually have no clue what I've talked about in the last few sentences.]
That reads rather...silly.
And "...what I meant when the pentagram was facing down"? I'm guessing it's "...what it meant when..."?

“Welcome.” She said “to Bartholomew High,

Look up how to punctuate dialogue. Correct version would be:
"Welcome," she said, "to Bartholomew High..."


That will be expected to now our ways and abide by them.

Is that supposed to mean something in English?

Announced to you, you will be living here.

Is that a sentence?

Some people moaned, some squealed with delight, and others (like me, Zach, & Lyna) did nothing at all.

The "did nothing at all" is rather useless. I think you could rephrase it to drive the point of the "coolness" of the main characters better.

That’s when I saw her. She was probably the single most beautiful girl in the world. She had a natural beauty like that of Lyna’s but she was paler and had the most awesome punk look going on. She had obvious extensions in her hair which made her hair blue, dark brown, and bleach blonde. Her eyes were a vibrant shade of green which she outlined in eye liner but not too much like some people who actually thought that looked good.

Ugggg. Really? "The most beautiful girl in the world." "Awesome punk look going on." "[Description of every color in her hair]" "[The color of her eyes, which we really don't care about, especially if you're going to describe it so basically.]" "[She had eye liner, but not too much eye liner.]"
It reads as very, very elementary. Cliche descriptions ("the most beautiful girl"). Straight, boring description (hair color, eye color).

“Lilly Stephens,’ called an unrecognized male voice

"'Lilly Stephens,' called a voice." Cut out all the garble and words that are, ultimately, irrelevant even by the time we reach the end of the sentence.

Of course she was in the group opposite of mine.

Among 3 groups, there exist opposites of each other?

I thanked god that he had saved me from answering a question which would have easily exposed that I liked her.

Aren't they in high school? Him being "OMG, I like a girl" is rather immature and seems out of place for a hardened kid who lost his parents and deals with transforming powers.

So them's my thoughts. Let me know if you have any questions.



All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe