A day paridise....

It was a warm day on the beautiful Italian Island of Sicily in taormina, and beach's waters were as crystal clear as ever and I could feel the warm sun toach my face as it sun kissed and lingered in my eyes. In the distance the beautiful view of the cliffs filled with old white washed buildings and the pleasant sight of the old wise olive trees swaying to the calm but suttle sea breeze giving off different shades of greens as the wind blew. The scent of the purple flowers vibrant but calming smell giving joy in the air and the sound of cards flipping as old Italian men played there cards yelling and joking and the sound of children can be heared with laughter ...what a day in paridise hope it never ends there will always be another to come in the end....

Hi lightningbolt, I really liked this...er... what ever it is!


The first thing would be is to put it under something else instead of general fiction novels. Maybe even put it under other because it is simply a description not a story or poem.

Putting that aside I REALLY liked your description. It was full of wonderful personifications, adjectives and descriptions!! It was great and I am convinced you have been to Italy (or read a lot of stories) because what you wrote was very Italian. Slightly stereotyped but it was GREAT!!

Maybe next time put proper punctuation in EVERYTHING you write...


Thanx,
watchmeburn

Hi lightningbolt, CaptianRandom here.
First of all i think you should have posted it under dramatic poetry.
Also i think i found a error in your work.

and beach's waters were as crystal clear

i think you mean and the beach's water was as crystal clear.

I loved this poem, i felt like i was in Italy, your very descriptive and the poem flowed which was also good for a poem like this.
Keep up the good work and i hope to read more or your work

-CpatianRandom
-Many crystals with many emotions.

Hey there lightningbolt!

I'm the RepublicOfCoter but people just call me R.O.C. *offers hand out*. I do hope that you enjoy your time here on YWS and that you post and review many things! I must say CONGRATULATIONS on your first post, I do hope there are many more to come! Now onto the review...

The first thing I do have a problem with is its classification: General Fiction Novels. It is too short to be a short story of sorts but doesn't have the feel of a poem. As mentioned by watchmeburn, this should be posted under the Other section - it would have more understanding here.

Overall, I felt that you could probably expand on this a bit more such as scrapping the idea of describing one town on ONE island; describe all of Italy! You can talk about a variety of things such as the coast, farmlands, mountain ranges, the weather, the people, the culture; you can practically write an entire story on just describing a country. If you did this, this piece could become quite interesting.

Another thing I do have an issue with is you use of a thesaurus; did you even use one? I think not. It is quite easy to tell. Let me point one part out:

...old wise olive trees swaying to the calm but suttle sea breeze giving off different shades of greens as the wind blew. The scent of the purple flowers vibrant but calming smell giving joy...

You mention calm twice within two sentences. This just doesn't feel right. I suggest you change this when you have the opportunity. Another thing I'd like to mention is that you mention that the wind is blowing through the trees twice within the one sentence. Repetition doesn't work well in one sentence. I say chop off the last description of the wind.

That's all I've got to say. Hope this helps...


MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C.

Only in Sicily...

Good poem.

It seems more of a story than a poem.

Perhaps next time use a bit more imagery.

Anyway, great descriptions, i almost feel like I'm there.

Hope you didn't find my criticism harsh, I'm just trying to help.

Well done,

TheBigCheese

Hello lightningbolt, I liked your poem, although it was short like a poem, the way you said it made it sound more like a story. Now, don't take my review the wrong way but maybe with the type of imagination that you have, you could probably be a good story writer.

Thanks guys for your interesting replies lightningbolt

Hey Lightningbolt,

This is my first time reviewing your work (and reviewing anything for a month...) and I liked the concept of it. I pretty much got what you were trying to explain, but your spelling and grammar could use a bit of tweaking. So here are my suggestions:

I think the title should be "A Day In Paradise", you've mispelled it. In the first line, "island" shouldn't have a capital and "Taormina" should have a capital. Then it should be "the beach's waters", "touch" not "toach".
Here's a few more edits in red and words I've added in green:

lightningbolt wrote:In the distance the beautiful cliffs #FF0000 ">were covered (not filled) with old#FF0000 ">, #FF0000 ">white-washed buildings and the pleasant sight of the old#FF0000 ">, wise olive trees swaying to the #FF0000 ">calm but suttle (remove "suttle", calm and suttle are very similar...) sea breeze giving off different shades of "green" not green#FF0000 ">s as the wind blew. The scent of the purple flowers vibrant but calming smell giving joy in the air and the sound of cards flipping as old Italian men played #FF0000 ">there "their" cards yelling and joking and the sound of children #FF0000 ">can could be #FF0000 ">heared "heard" with laughter ...what a day in #FF0000 ">paridise "paradise" I hope it never ends and there will always be another to come in the end....

I'm still not quite sure about the ending. It could be better, sorry I'm out of ideas for now.
But if you edit it a bit and maybe extend it and go deeper into your descriptions, this'll be even better and you'll help us to develop a deeper, richer connection to the imagery and scenery presented in this poem. It seems you have a very close and personal connection to this poem, help us to feel that too!

Lovin' the imagery! Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf