Fighting Against the Devil

So, I had the first stanza just sitting around for a really long time. I looked at it and just started typing, trying to get something out. I ended up changing most of what I started typing and go this.
I'm not sure if its good of not, and I really need a new title!
Thoughts??



Let it all sink in
like ink in your veins
and ice in your heart.
Let the feelings run through you,
it will power you forward.

He hurt you,
tried to cut out your life force
with a jagged blade.

He did you wrong,
saying that he loved you,
saying he was the true way.
He lied!

He was the serpent
that tempted Eve.
He promised her light.
Love. Happiness.
He promised you the same.
But like the devil he is,
it was all a scheme to destroy you.

He was jealous of your happiness,
despised your kind heart.
He wished to destroy your trust
in the Almighty King of Kings.

So he lead you to sin.
He lead you off
your straight and narrow way,
onto his dark and crooked path.

Now you must fight back,
cut out his heart,
and feed it to The Fire.

The flames born from sin,
to where sin returns.

Return him now
to the pits where he came from.
Send him below,
never again to mislead you.
Never again to be a part
in your life under the Almighty Son.

My title suggestion is 'To the pits of The Fire he goes'

Awsome|Nitpick|Possible Change

and fire in your heart.

- I would have gone with Ice because that's somewhat more evil, It's mostly described that fire in your heart is courage.

to power you forward.

- I would have liked a word not so forced, unless it's how I read it. I would suggest something like "It will power you forward"

tried to cut out your life force
with a jagged blade.

- I really liked this part, It really stated that he hurt you more mentally that physically.

Said he was the true way.

- I cannot really understand this that much until I think out of the box and start thinking that you meant the true path.

He lied!

- Nice ending for the paragraph.

He was the serpent
that tempted Eve.
He promised her light.
Love. Happiness.
He promised you the same.

- Excellent, this has got too be my favorite paragraph.

But like the devil he is,
it was all a plot to destroy you.

- This seemed a bit short, but I can't think of anything to add on either.

in the Almighty King the Kings.

- I think you mean 'Of the Almighty king of kings' Also I think the Almighty King would just be fine to define god.

onto a dark and crooked path.

- I would say 'onto his dark and crooked path.'

cut out his heart,

if he was so evil, would he have a heart?

The flames born from sin,
to where sin returns.

- I think most of these words need swapping and changing. 'The Flame was born from sin, now it's where all sins return'

in your life under the Almighty Son.

- I suppose this means Jesus? Good ending.

Also, sorry if I was a bit harsh, this is my first review so I wanted it too be professional and well set out.

it is pretty great but i believe in the last few paragraphs: if a man is supposed to be morally good before he was wronged, then why did you inspire so much revenge at the end?
think about the ending as well
it is great, follow the other comment's tips and it'll be 100x better =D

Heya Rain.

I'm here to review as requested. I'm warning you in advance that I don't think this review is going to be very long... or much help... Partly because anything that I've noticed is similar to my previous critiques, and partly because I think that this is a good piece you've got here!

To be honest, the only critique I have for you is more of a suggestion really. I've actually mentioned this to another member quite recently actually. What you have now is good, Rain. I'd just like to see you taking one step further now. One thing that I've noticed about your poems is that, overall, they have the same kind of styles and themes. I'd like to see you trying something a bit different maybe.

What I mean by this is that, for example, I'd like to see you maybe trying out a new structure style. You tend to like the four - two lined stanza poems. Maybe you could try something a little different? Maybe elongate some lines, while shortening others. You could even have one word lines. That's just one example of what I mean. You might agree with me, but you might disagree with me. That's my opinion on the whole thing though.

Another thing I'd suggest for you to try is to experiment a little with your themes. You tend to use similar themes in your poems, which is fine, but why not try something that you don't often do. Try writing a humorous poem, maybe? It could certainly be something new for you to try. You have a tendency to write rather negative poems, so I'd like to see what you can do with a humorous theme actually.

In the end, it's up to you what you write and how you write. Understand that the above are just suggestions based on my opinion. I think that you've improved a lot since the first time I read a piece written by you, so really well done for that. Overall, I like this poem and there are some lines that I especially like.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Tiger here to review per request! Comments shall be in bold.

SilentRain wrote:
Let it all sink in
like ink in your veins
and fire in your heart.
Let the feelings run through 'you' This sentence was sort-of left hanging, so maybe you should add this
to power you forward. This sentence, mostly the use of power, sounds a little forced and strange.

He hurt you,
tried to cut out your life force 'life force' sticks out and seems a little ambiguous. Did he cut out a heart? Something else? What?
with a jagged blade.

He did you wrong. I think this should end with a comma
said he loved you.
Said he was the true way. 'Saying that' might go better in both underlined cases
He lied!

He was the serpent
that tempted Eve.
He promised her light.
Love. Happiness. Did he? I thought he merely said that the apples would make her as wise as God or something?
He promised you the same.

But like the devil he is, Maybe this should start with a capital.
it was all a plot to destroy you. This doesn't really makes sense in relation to the sentence above. It doesn't refer to him, as it should. Maybe say: he plotted to destroy you. This refers to him again and makes more sense.

He was jealous of your happiness,
he despised your kind heart.
He wished to destroy your trust
in the Almighty King the of Kings.

So he lead you to sin.
He lead you off
your straight and narrow way,
onto a dark and crooked path.

Now you must fight back,
cut out his heart,
and feed it to The Fire.

The flames born from sin,
to where sin returns.

Return him now
to the pits he came from.
Send hishim below,
never again to mislead you.
Never again to be a part
in of your life under the Almighty Son.

All in all, this is okay. The first few stanzas I liked the best, they had the most emotion and imagery. The last few don't really have too much imagery, and it starts to sound more like a prayer than a poem. In the last six stanzas, the only imagery I found was:

The flames born from sin,
to where sin returns.

And I find that very strange, considering imagery is a strong part of your other poems. Maybe you could go back and add some more to those last few stanzas. There's nothing else that really bothers me about this than the lack of imagery, which is almost like your trademark.

Tiger

Hello there, Silent Rain!

Here for my (very) delayed review.

My general impression is that you've got some good concept here, which is obviously a good thing. However, it might be better if you've added some meat into this piece. Yes, I could find some pretty imageries here, but I don't think it's enough.

Let it all sink in
like ink in your veins
and ice in your heart.
Let the feelings run through you,
it will power you forward.

As a reader, the "it" you've just written here is quite confusing. Talk about it more, or even try to show it. Sometimes, being specific on some things can be good too. So I suggest that you'd imply that about those "feelings". As an introductory stanza, it wasn't that welcoming, but it has potential.

He did you wrong,
saying that he loved you,
sayign that he was the true way.
He lied!

Watch for some misspelled words. Also, there are some awkward phrasing here, especially about the third line: "true way". It just sounds too simple and I know there are better words to replace that. And I think you're jumping into conclusion that much, to the point that this piece could end here.

He was the serpent
that tempted Eve.
He promised her light.
Love. Happiness.
He promised you the same.
But like the devil he is,
it was all a plot to destroy you.

Oh, I adore the following lines above. I find it simple yet, refreshing to read. However, perhaps changing the word "plot" to something else...?

Return him now
to the pits he came from.
Send his below,
never again to mislead you.
Never again to be a part
in your life under the Almighty Son.

Do you mean to say "Send him below"? I actually think you have a good ending stanza. But maybe adding "where" after "pits" would sound better?

All in all, I thank you for the good read. But just like what I've said before, spice this up. Sometimes, awkwardness would just pop out from the poem unexpectedly, which kind of makes it hard for me to understand some of the matters that you're trying to show to your readers. Also, placing in some emotions might help this piece, but the anger coming from the narrator herself is realistic and quite impressive. And about the transitions, perhaps I think this is a free verse, so it's okay. Lastly, you deserved a tap on the shoulder for this, SilentR. Hope this helps and PM me for any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Peace out.

P.S Sorry for the delayed review. I've just been very busy these past weeks.