Scarlet Rain (1.1)

Here is the very first paragraph of my story, "Scarlet Rain."
To view the original excerpt, see here: viewtopic.php?t=72170
Please comment, I am not entirely happy with it, and it is the first draft, so feel free to be as harsh as you like.

Fog had descended.
It cloaked the land in gray blankets, curling its wraith like fingers around even the tallest turrets of Lord Velspeth's castle. It carried with it the grim tidings of tragedy, and no one could deny the ominous atmosphere which clung to everything. The gate keeper stared out from the tiny archer’s window, scanning the grayness with concern.
“Blast this cursed fog!” he muttered. “A body could lose itself in that muck.”
“I hear ya, Gib, there ain’t nothing that speaks like the devil than…”
“Watch it, see what you’re saying?” The other guards chuckled. There were four of them, huddled around a small table which served to hold a deck of hand made cards.
“I wonder if his lordship is having company? He usually does at this season, you know, with the fox hunts and all.”
“You’re a dunce! Why would he be having company over to go fox hunting?”
“Well, it is lovely weather today, perfect for a ride out on the moor. Don’t you agree?” another slyly commented. The men laughed, then fell quite as they concentrated on the game. “Something evil is a’ brewing, that’s fer sure.”Gib thought. He scanned the fog nervously, but nothing could be seen or heard in the sea of mist.
“What do you keep staring out that window for Gib? No one would be mad enough to…” He stopped mid sentence, for ringing out in the muted silence, came the iron beat of a horse’s hooves. .“Speak o’ the devil…” Gib thought. One of the men got up and ran out onto the battlement.
“A rider approaches!” he cried. The horse and its master emerged suddenly out of the fog and thundered across the drawbridge. They pulled up to a stop in front of the main gate.
“State your name and business.” Gib called out. The rider turned his face upward, a thick hood concealing his features.
“I have an important message for his lordship!” The rider’s voice was harsh. Gib noticed as his horse tossed its head and tried to work the bit out of its mouth, it actions revealing the fact that it could sense its rider’s impatience.
“It had better be important, the lordship isn’t partial to visitors.” Gib retorted.
“Please, this is urgent! If you need proof just tell his lordship that the messenger from Walbrook has arrived.” the rider insisted. There was a moment of silence as Gib contemplated his answer. He carefully observed the man below; the rider peered uneasily into the fog behind him. His horse’s breath made little clouds of steam as it breathed heavily.
“Open the gate.” He told another guard, who relayed the message. Suddenly, there was a grinding sound as the portcullis lurched towards the the rider. He rider spurred his horse on through the gate as two hefty men pushed it open. The horse’s hooves sparked as it galloped into the cobblestone courtyard. The rider dismounted before the horse even stopped and ran towards the heavy cedar door of the great hall.

Hello EloquentDragon. Thought I'd review this. So I did. Ha.

I must say that I liked it. Quite a lot. You've set a good mood, and conveyed a sense of urgency and suspense. What is the rider's message? Is the fog just weather, or is there more to it? I'd really like to read more once you have it up.

I didn't see too many problems. There were a few misused words and places where the prose seemed somewhat awkward. I'll get to those in a moment. But one thing I would do is to try and give a better a sense of the main character's personality (because he seems pretty flat right now), and also distinguishing who that is/will be. Is it Gib? The rider? Lord Velspeth? Or someone else? I really couldn't tell.

Fog had descended.
It cloaked the land in gray blankets, curling its wraith like fingers around even the tallest turrets of Lord Velspeth's castle. It carried with it the grim tidings of tragedy, and no one could deny the ominous atmosphere which clung to everything.

I like the opener. It's short and sweet and certainly caught my attention. Your description, though evocative, is also somewhat cliche. "Gray blankets", "wraith-like (there's a hyphen there) fingers", we've all heard this stuff before. Try to come up with something new.

The gate keeper stared out from the tiny archer’s window, scanning the grayness with concern.

Gatekeeper is one word. Also, if by "archer's window", you mean a tall, thin hole in the wall that an archer would shoot from, the proper term is "arrow slit".

Gib noticed as his horse tossed its head and tried to work the bit out of its mouth, it actions revealing the fact that it could sense its rider’s impatience.

This sentence is somewhat awkward and ungainly (and uses it instead of its). I'd recommend "...out of its mouth, as if it were as impatient as the rider."

His horse’s breath made little clouds of steam as it breathed heavily.

Breath makes steam when it's cold and dry, not when there's thick fog.

“Open the gate.” He told another guard, who relayed the message. Suddenly, there was a grinding sound as the portcullis lurched towards the the rider.

Two problems with this. One, the word "suddenly" implies that the gate opening was unexpected, which it wasn't, considering the guy ordered the gate opened. Two, a portcullis does not move "toward" anyone on the outside of the wall. A portcullis is a gate that moves straight up and down to block or allow passage.

All in all, this is a solid piece. There weren't any grave problems, and most could be easily fixed. One last thing I would do would be to work on the ending a bit. Maybe add something else to hammer out a final note of urgency, like "...ran towards the heavy cedar door of the great hall, fingers clutched around the scroll in his hand as if it held his soul.".

Hey Eloquent,

You've got a nice start here; like Merlin said, the ominousness of it, with the messenger's impatience and the fog creeping in--it's a cool picture, and it's definitely a good hook into getting the reader to want to know what comes next.

A couple points, though: first, I found the dialogue between the guards to be moving a bit too much all over the place, fog to hunting to ominous "evil is brewing". That last part especially seemed like it was there only for the sake of the atmosphere; maybe find a way to segue it more smoothly.

There are also a couple places where your sentences are heavier than they should be; that is, the structure just seems a bit too convoluted, or at least could be formulated in a way that would make them flow more smoothly, which in turn would make reading an easier, more pleasant experience. It's just the small things--a tip for it would be to try reading it aloud, see where you trip over the words or where you think other words would work best, or arranged differently.

Merlin34 wrote:Gatekeeper is one word. Also, if by "archer's window", you mean a tall, thin hole in the wall that an archer would shoot from, the proper term is "arrow slit".

Heh, funny story about this.
I love castles, and all things castle, and I know that the "archer's window" is actually supposed to be "arrow loop" but since this is the very first paragraph of the book, I didn’t want to bog the reader down with a ton of technical terms.

Also about the portcullis. Originally I was going to have the p. rise up, but then I would lose the urgency that I wanted to convey with the rider b/c it would take so long. So I switched it to the "main gate" (which is accurate for many castles) but I must have missed one or two sentences where "portcullis" should be the "main gate."

Also, I choose to use the view point of the guard "Gib" b/c it was the easiest form for me to narrate in. But I hate it b/c "Gib" is an unnecessary character which I will not use later. Originally I wrote the piece from the rider's point of view, but he is also only used once in the story. Another character, Sir Dacron, is the one who receives the message and is one of the main characters. I want to tell it from his POV without it seeming dead, any suggestions?

You've created a great atmosphere here. One thing I would like to see changed, though, is which character is saying what. In your piece we're only introduced to Gib specifically. Perhaps you meant it to be this way, but if so, try to describe the other men at the table just to give us an idea of who's here. Maybe one man has bushy sideburns, and maybe another has a mole on his cheek. See what I mean?

A few nitpicks.

It cloaked the land in gray blankets, curling its wraith like fingers around even the tallest turrets of Lord Velspeth's castle. It carried with it the grim tidings of tragedy, and no one could deny the ominous atmosphere which clung to everything.

I simplified your beginning here, just because I think it's more beneficial to the image you're creating. It helps the reader to focus on what you're trying to get us to see.

“I hear ya, Gib, there ain’t nothing that speaks like the devil than…”
“Watch it, see what you’re saying?” The other guards chuckled. There were four of them, huddled around a small table which served to hold a deck of hand made cards.

It seems like one of your characters are being cut off mid-sentence here, so I would change the punctuation. Rather than using an ellipse, use a dash. Also, it's unclear as to who's saying what. The other guards chuckled comes out of nowhere, though I do like the description of the four of them huddled around the table with their cards.

The men laughed, then fell quite as they concentrated on the game.

Typo here. Quiet rather than quite.

“Something evil is a’ brewing, that’s fer sure.”Gib thought. He scanned the fog nervously, but nothing could be seen or heard in the sea of mist.

Two things about this part. One, thoughts are generally in Italics, and two, I would try to stay away from the word fog for now, since you've used it a few times already. I like the use of mist.

“State your name and business.” Gib called out.

I noticed that there's a few punctuation errors like this throughout. Just keep in mind that something like the above example should look like this: "State your name and business," Gib called out.

Gib noticed as his horse tossed its head and tried to work the bit out of its mouth, it actions revealing the fact that it could sense its rider’s impatience.

You've done a great job of showing us the rider is impatient, and the horse tossing its head reflects that. There's no need to expand this.

“Please, this is urgent! If you need proofjust tell his lordship that the messenger from Walbrook has arrived.” the rider insisted. There was a moment of silence as Gib contemplated his answer.

Again, just simplifying.

Overall, it's an intriguing beginning. You have me curious as to what's so urgent that the rider would brave the fog. Keep writing.