"Unfortunately... I love you" Chapter 1 (Draft #2)

Valteria

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Points 3950

Reviews 15

Wed Jul 14, 2010 12:58 am

Valteria says... · Wed Jul 14, 2010 12:58 am

Interesting.

To start with, I believe that this story has some potential. You should continue on to writing Chapter 2. The title is strong. It leaves me in suspense for what will happen next between Adam and Janette.

As for characters, I 'm not too fond of Janette's personality. It seems really childish, but I think that that may be part of how you want her to seem so I'm not really sure.

"No, Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I replied quickly.

This was too weird for me, too spontaneous, in fact. Tone her down a bit. I mean, why would someone say this, anyway.

I like Adam, though. He seems like a nice guy, perhaps the romantic type. I'm getting the feeling that he likes Janette but he doesn't know how to express it to her.

The boy opened his black eyes like an eagle.

Good description.

Overall:

It was pretty good. Something that I might consider reading if I picked it up in the store. You should keep at it and continue writing this. The grammar wasn't perfect, but whose is, n e way.

lol!

Leilani

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Points 1074

Reviews 5

Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:40 pm

Leilani says... · Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:40 pm

i like it ^-^ cant wait

Happiness is a perfume you can not pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself <3

perdido

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Points 13173

Reviews 150

Fri Jul 16, 2010 6:06 pm

perdido says... · Fri Jul 16, 2010 6:06 pm

Solvalery wrote:This was the first story I posted on YWS when I joined, I actually joined for this story. After reading my reviews, I realized I wrote a lot of dialog and no descriptions. If you want to see the first draft of this story click here

notita.gif

I was eating a big chocolate ice cream, and feeling the water splashing from the white fountain of one of the most beautiful squares of my country, Puerto Rico. It was so hot outside that the ice cream was melting, running through my fingers, making my hands sticky. That's when I knew the summer was about to start.
My mom's job was near that square.That morning she had told me we were going to buy my prom dress after school. I had finished my classes early, so I decided to wait for her. A pigeon sat next to me. Okay, as long as you're far away, you can stay there. I thought moving away from it. Then a bunch of them came, and started flying all over me, I desperately shook my hands at them and jumped, so they would fly away. That made the ice cream fell into the fountain. Oops... I thought to myself

I liked the internal dialogue. when she's talking to the pigeon and when she's saying 'oops,' about her icecream. The icecream details were good but I want to see more of the square. You say its beautiful. Prove it. Let us see the people in the square, the shops, I want some sensory details, smells, sounds, etc.

"Get out of here! Who do you think you are?! Will somebody help me?!" I screamed. Then I saw a piece of bread flying over my head and thanks to law of gravity it touch the floor, that made the pigeons fly away.

There was a boy about my age standing behind me.

The brown hair boy started laughing at my spontaneous personality, I suppose being soliloquy is a talent.

what. no. the law of gravity thing is dumb, and these actions do not indicate a spontaneous personality at all. So if you are trying to indicate to us that she has a spontaneous personality, then you should show us. Not tell us. etc. And the thing with the soliloquy didn't make sense to me for some reason. oh well

"Can you tell me what you're laughing at? I asked, turning around and crossing my arms.

The boy opened his black eyes like an eagle.

i like that.

"Wow! What a great recital," he said sarcastically, clapping his hands. "Have you ever thought about being a dancer?"

"What? What is your name?" I asked, looking at his “I'm with loser shirt”. The only thing strange about that shirt was the arrow that was pointing to his face.

"My name is Adam Velazquez. What's your name?" he asked.

"Well, which name do you rather know? My first name or the last one?" I asked with a evil smile.

"Oh, that's okay. You should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the pigeons," he said, returning that evil smile.

"No, Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I replied quickly.

This time Adam didn't know how to react, he just started at me with an it's not funny expression in his face.

awkward... this narrator is rather psychotic and antisocial, right?

"I would've preferred you to be Aladdin, the Lamp Wizard, but unfortunately you are not. I'm really sorry for leaving you here all alone, but I have to go, because someone is waiting for me," I felt like my brain was running faster than ever, so fast that I realized what I said I thought about it.

I talk about Aladdin in my story too. This dialogue feels weird for me

Then, I turned around with my head up and I started walking away. He just stood there looking my way for a second.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!" he yelled.

I waved my hand showing him "I'm not listening", and then I thought "Poor guy... he tried so hard, it was the only thing that popped into his head".

definitely interesting, your main problems are in execution. I think you could benefit from even more narrative, more interaction with her surroundings in the square. its a square, i'm sure there's a ton of people, especially if its the most beautiful.

Please, review! and if you liked it click ^Like^
Chapter 1.1 is coming up!

my webcomic debuts eventually
http://vanmen.tumblr.com/
my blog updated occasionally
http://unmagnificent.wordpress.com/

stephaniez08

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Points 1040

Reviews 3

Mon Jul 19, 2010 6:51 pm

stephaniez08 says... · Mon Jul 19, 2010 6:51 pm

Hello again. i previouls reviewed your first draft of this writing and I enjoyed both of the pieces. I do altough enjoy this one a lot more. There is not as much going on and it is more clear. Also, there is more description making it easy for the reader to understand and make connections right off the bat. There were still a few grammer issues but every writer is guilty of this. Good job. I can not wait to read chapter 2!!

Happy writing. Do not forget to review my piece. Thanks!

color=#FF4080]Stephanie

[*]Never let the Fear of Striking Out Keep You From Playing the Game[*][/color]

slandie

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Points 1121

Reviews 1

Wed Aug 04, 2010 2:02 am

slandie says... · Wed Aug 04, 2010 2:02 am

Nice !!!!!!!!!!!!!

wonderland

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Points 4206

Reviews 362

Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:34 pm

wonderland says... · Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:34 pm

This was wayy better then the first draft, so good job.
Janette seems like a nice, strong MC, she's witty, funny and everything a main character should be.
Your spelling and grammar are both good, same with your description.
PM or write on my wall if you have any questions.
~WickedWonder

'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*

kikialicia31

Gender

Points 1855

Reviews 88

Tue Sep 28, 2010 2:48 am

kikialicia31 says... · Tue Sep 28, 2010 2:48 am

It's very cute but I catch one or two mistakes in it. Example like this one. "No, Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I replied quickly. I don't think FAIRY GODMOTHER is the right word. Why not use FAIRY GODFATHER. Adam is a guy.

"The nicest part is being able to write down all my thoughts and feelings, otherwise I‘d absolutely suffocate."- Anne Frank

CharlotteGrace

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Points 340

Reviews 25

Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:39 am

CharlotteGrace says... · Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:39 am

Not too shabby. I wonder how it will turn out? I've only read this one but I will read the rest.

*Charlotte Grace

"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball

Kagi

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Points 7340

Reviews 205

Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:05 pm

Kagi says... · Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:05 pm

Heey.. Here to review.. Corections in red.

I was eating a big chocolate ice cream, and feeling the water splashing from the white fountain of one of the most beautiful squares of my country, Puerto Rico. It was so hot outside that the ice cream was melting, running through my fingers, making my hands sticky. That's when I knew the summer was about to start.
My mom's job was near that square.That morning she had told me we were going to buy my prom dress after school. I had finished my classes early, so I decided to wait for her. A pigeon sat next to me. Okay, as long as you're far away, you can stay there. I thought moving away from it. Then a bunch of them came, and started flying all over me, I desperately shook my hands at them and jumped, so they would fly away. That made the ice cream fell into the fountain. Oops... I thought to myself.

"Get out of here! Who do you think you are?! Will somebody help me?!" I screamed.This sentence was a little confusing, it kind of jumped out of no where. Then I saw a piece of bread flying over my head and thanks to law of gravity it touch the floor, that made the pigeons fly away.

There was a boy about my age standing behind me.

The brown hair boy started laughing at my spontaneous personality, I suppose being soliloquy is a talent.

"Can you tell me what you're laughing at? I asked, turning around and crossing my arms.

The boy opened his black eyes like an eagle.

"Wow! What a great recital," he said sarcastically, clapping his hands. "Have you ever thought about being a dancer?" Maybe you could add in a senctence like-Obviously he was referring to my earlier attempt to shoo the flocking pigeons- to make it clearer what you mean.
"What? What is your name?" I asked, looking at his “I'm with loser shirt”. 'I'm with the loser' shirt.The only thing strange about that shirt was the arrow that was pointing to his face.

"My name is Adam Velazquez.Just being really picky

,but this sounds quite formal. Try I'm Adam Velazqeuz. What's your name?" he asked.

"Well, which name do you rather know? This didn't really read right..Maybe= Which would you rather my first or last name?! My first name or the last one?" I asked with a evil smile.

"Oh, that's okay. You should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the pigeons," he said, returning that evil smile.

"No, Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I replied quickly.

This time Adam didn't know how to react, he just started at me with an it's not funny expression in his face.

"I would've preferred you to be Aladdin, the Lamp Wizard, but unfortunately you are not. I'm really sorry for leaving you here all alone, but I have to go, because someone is waiting for me," I felt like my brain was running faster than ever, so fast that I realized what I said I thought about it.

Then, I turned around with my head up and I started walking away. He just stood there looking my way for a second.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!" he yelled.

I waved my hand showing him "I'm not listening", and then I thought "Poor guy... he tried so hard, it was the only thing that popped into his head".

I really enjoyed reading through your story. At the bits I pointed out they were a bit confusing but otherwise it was humorous and quirky. Original.
Now I'm on to read chapt 2.
Great work-well done.
You're v.talented!!
Kaka xx

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RoseGryffindor

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Points 790

Reviews 42

Sun Dec 05, 2010 12:12 pm

RoseGryffindor says... · Sun Dec 05, 2010 12:12 pm

I know some of the questions I put in here like Why? is really a nobrainer as to Why it's like that but it helps with descriptions and clears up the picture of the scene and adds a little more to the story to make it interesting.

I was eating a big chocolateBowl or cone? ice cream, and feeling the water splashing on my feet from the whitestone or marble? what's it made of? fountain of one of the most beautiful squares What's it called? of my country, Puerto Rico. It was so hot outside that the ice cream was melting, running through my fingers, making my hands sticky. That's how I know the summer is about to start.Here you could add a little more as to the climate of Puerto Rico to explain how you know summer's going to start.

My mom's job is near that square.This morning she had told me we were going to buy my prom dress after school. I had take out "had" finished my classes early, so I decided to wait for her. A pigeon sat next to me.A pigeon flew down and stood near me staring. Okay, as long as you're far away, you can stay there. I thought moving away from it.Does she have a fear of pigeons? Then a bunch of them came, and started flying all over me,Why? I desperately shook my hands at them and jumped, so they would fly away.to make them fly away but unfortunately that made the icecream fall into the fountain That made the ice cream fell into the fountain. Oops... I thought to myself.

"Get out of here! Who do you think you are?! Will somebody help me?!" I screamed.desperate for them to go away. Then I saw a piece of bread flyingfly over my head and thanks to law theof gravity it touches the floor,and makes the pegeons fly away. that made the pigeons fly away.

There was a boy about my age standing behind me.This sentence is sudden, very abrupt. You need to add it in a little more subtly. Maybe you could add it to the next sentence. "That's when I noticed a boy with brown hair about my age lauging uproarously at my spontaneous personality, I suppose being a soliloquy is a talent.

The brown hair boy started laughing at my spontaneous personality, I suppose being soliloquyoooo fancy word! is a talent.

"Can you tell me what you're laughing at? I asked, turning around and crossing my armsHow is she feeling? Is she irritated at him because she's embarrased that he saw little fiasco.

The boystraightened up and opened his black eyes like an eagle.that description seems iffy to me.

"Wow! What a great recital," he said sarcasticallysmirking would work better here., clapping his hands,eyes sparkling with mischief. "Have you ever thought about being a dancer?"

"What? What is your name?" I asked, looking at his “I'm with loser shirt”. The only thing strange about that shirt was the arrow that was pointing to his face.

"My name is Adam Velazquez. What's your name?" he asked.

"Well, which name color=#FF0000]would[/color] you rather know? My first name or the last one?" I asked with a evil smile.insert thought here

"Oh, that's okay. You should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the pigeons," he said, returning that evil smile.What does she think of that evil smile?

"No, Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I replied quickly.Why did she choose that response?

This time Adam didn't know how to react, he just started at me with an quotation marks hereit's not funny expression in his face.

"I would've preferred you to be Aladdin, the Lamp Wizard, but unfortunately you are not. I'm really sorry for leaving you here all alone, but I have to go, because someone is waiting for me," I felt like my brain was running faster than ever, so fast that I realized what I said I thought about it.

Then, I turned around with my head up and I started walking away.Why did she decide to walk away? He just stood there looking my way for a second.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!" he yelled.

I waved my hand showing him "I'm not listening", and then I thought "Poor guy... he tried so hard, it was the only thing that popped into his head".
Overall it was cute. I like the main character's personality. Though I'm not sure as to the age of them. I'm guessing they're teenagers. Either they're young teenagers or immature teenagers.

May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"

RoseGryffindor

Gender

Points 790

Reviews 42

Sun Dec 05, 2010 12:34 pm

RoseGryffindor says... · Sun Dec 05, 2010 12:34 pm

Overall it was very cute. I like the little scene that appeared between the two characters. Though I'm not sure as to the age of the characters. I'm guessing they're teenagers, either they're young or still immature. Some of the questions on here you'll probably thing the answers to them are no brainers and maybe kind of supid but it helps the story if you put them in their. It helps give the story more depth and reality to it.

I was eating a big chocolate icebowl or cone? cream, and feeling the water coolsplashing on my feetfrom the whitewhat's it made of? Marble? Concrete? fountain of one of the most beautiful squareswhat's it called and what makes it so beautiful? of my country, Puerto Rico. It was so hot outside that the ice cream was melting, running through my fingers, making my hands sticky. That's when I knew the summer was about to start.You could insert some information about Puerto Rico's climate and the the main character's background knowledge so we know why she knows summer is about start.

My mom's job was near thatthe square.What does her mom do?That morning she had told me we were going to buy my prom dress after school.When is prom? I had finished my classes earlyWhat about homework? I guess you don't really have to put that in there but you could at least explain why she's not doing it., so I decided to wait for herwhat time does her work end?. A pigeon sat next to meA pigeon flew down to the ground next to me, staring.. Okay, as long as you're far away, you can stay there. I thought moving away from itDoes she have a fear of pigeons?. ThenSuddenly a bunch of them came, and started flying all over me, I desperately shook my hands at them and jumped, so theyto make them fly away but that made my icecream fall into the fountain making the water around it swirl with brown. would fly away. That made the ice cream fell into the fountain. Oops... I thought to myself.

"Get out of here! Who do you think you are?! Will somebody help me?!" I screameddesperate for them to get away. Then I sawGet rid of "Then I saw" a piece of bread flying over my head and thanks tothe law of gravity it touched the floor, that mademaking the pigeons fly away.

There was a boy about my age standing behind me.This sentence right here is put in very abruptly. You need to insert it more subtly like adding it to the next sentence. "It was then I noticed a boy with brown hair about my age lauging probably at my spontaneous personality, I suppose being a soliloquy is a talent.

The brown hair boy started laughing at my spontaneous personality, I suppose being soliloquyooooo fancy word! is a talent.

"Can you tell me what you're laughing at? I asked, turning around and crossing my arms.How is she feeling? Irritated and slightly embarrared becuase he saw that?

The boy opened his black eyes like an eagle.The boy straightened up, opening his black eyes like an eagle eyes sparkling with silent laughter. How does she feel about his black eyes? Cuz isn't black eyes supposed to be associated with sinister people and most normal people don't have that color.

"Wow! What a great recital," he said sarcasticallysmirking, clapping his hands. "Have you ever thought about being a dancer?"

"What? What is your name?" I askedindignantly., looking at his “I'm with loser shirt”Is she distracted by his shirt?. The only thing strange about that shirt was the arrow that was pointing to his face.

"My name is Adam Velazquez. What's your name?" he asked.

"Well, which name do you rather know? My first name or the last one?" I asked with a evil smileinsert thought here.

"Oh, that's okay. You should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the pigeons," he said, returning that evil smile.How does she feel about that smile and what he says.

"No, Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I replied quickly.Why does she reply with that?

This time Adam didn't know how to react, he just started at me with an it's not funny expression in his face.

"I would've preferred you to be Aladdin, the Lamp Wizard, but unfortunately you are not. I'm really sorry for leaving you here all alone, but I have to go, because someone is waiting for me," I felt like my brain was running faster than ever, so fast that I realized what I said I thought about it.this is a little confusing is it supposed to be "so fast that I realized what I said before I thought about it.

Then,Take out the "Then," I turned around with my head up and I startedto walk away walking away. He just stood there looking at memy way for a second.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!" he yelled.

I waved my hand showing him "I'm not listening", and then I thought "Poor guy... he tried so hard, it was the only thing that popped into his head".

May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"

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