A Black Canvas - Chapter Two

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- Hi everyone, this is the second chapter to A Black Canvas and I hope you all like it because I worked pretty hard to atleast try and get it right. I'm still working on Joey's grandmother's story but any kind of constructive criticism is welcome. I appreciate it everyone, thank you for reading ~ Wisp .


The sound of their pounding feet and the cries of the distant guard made her push onwards, not wanting to be caught again by the brute men who have no mercy upon innocent slave women. Arrows flew past her, embedding themselves in the trees that were close by her, and she had no want to stop her feet until an arrow caught her in the shoulder. She stumbled, the blood already running from her wound down her arm and sliding between the hand that held the man's. The man felt her stumble, and turned to look at her and he immediately spotted the arrowhead the protruded her shoulder and he hissed in a breath. "Damn you, Agradeon." he growled, turning her towards the thickest of trees and setting her down on a bed of pine needles and holding her there. "I must remove this." he told her gently, his hands probing around the wound. She could only nodd, even her breathing came in shallow gasps that jostled her shoulder further and made her wince. "I will break off the head of the arrow and then I shall go around to your back and pull it out on the count of three." he said, and she could only bite her lip in response. He did not mind her answerless response and he was professionally efficient as he broke off the head of the arrow before walking around her to her backside and squatting behind her. His hand gripped the long arrow shaft and she closed her eyes as she heard his voice count quietly, "One." he breathed, "Two." and she felt her nails bite into her palms as he whispered his signal, "Three." and then intense agony took over her as his first pull made no difference aside from moving it an inch out of the wound while it still was firmly embedded in her flesh. The man held tight and after a muttered sorry, he tore the arrow viciously from her shoulder with a quickness that brought her no relief. She felt the loss of blood that came with the removal of the arrow though she did not care much for it at the moment as a fog of pain relief settled over her brain and she collapsed to the ground on her uninjured shoulder, unconscious.

When she awoke, she was disoriented and without knowledge of where she was. Her eyes roamed the sky, as she lay on her back, and when she realized that she was in the forest with her savior she sat up quickly which brought on a wave of dizziness. She steadied herself with her left arm which was the one she'd injured but all she felt was an uncomfortable tug when she moved it. She turned her head and looked at her shoulder, seeing it bandaged with bloody rags made her smile. He must have been quite worried to have bothered bandaging her wound. She began to rotate her shoulder slowly, feeling the tug again and wondering what it was. "Keep you movements to a minimum." his voice lashed out from behind her and she started, before turning around and looking at him. She touched her arm and then looked at him, "I had to sew the flesh together. It was quite a wound, you'll have a scar but I applied an herb poultice to minimize the risk of infection." he told her before setting down a skinned rabbit on the quiver that held his arrows. A sudden thought occured to her, she looked at him and tapped the tree so he'd look up, and when he did she placed two fingers on her mouth, cocked her head to the side and asked the question with her eyes. He took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose, "I know you cannot speak." he nodded, his cobalt blue eyes shinning eerily in this forest where the canopy of trees blocked the light. She bit her lip and slid down the back of the tree until she was sitting. She nodded to the rabbit and then without hesitation rose from where she sat again. Her movements still slightly unsteady but she gathered twigs and branches quickly and efficiently before bringing them back and dropping them next to him. He smiled at her, the smile crinkling the skin near his eyes. "Thank you." was all he said before arranging the small pile to create for an ideal fire. She sighed, he was quite handsome to be frank but she'd never known someone to care for her as he seemed to. It was like those fairytale's her grandmother used to tell her.

"Those princesses and their princes they always felt a need to give eachother gifts, but there was one princess," she said, "That never cared for richness, handsomness nor gifts she cared only of his heart. For it was the biggest thing he could give her, and he did. He gave every last drop of love to her from his big heart and she thanked him even but there was a small sadness to their story. She could not hear him tell her he loved her, so he painted his love to her. Painted the beauty that he saw every morning when he woke up to see her in his bed, and every night when she sat by firelight to read one of what little books she had. She loved him for it, and that was what she wrote in her journal. That even though she could not hear, she could feel, see and speak to him to tell him of her love to him and he would paint to her his feelings. That was what love was believed to be. Not something someone saw in another but what someone felt from another."

She wasn't certain but she knew that she felt an incredible pull towards the man who'd helped her through the toughness of having broken her out of the wretched prison. She sat down next to him and her hand tapped him on the shoulder so that while he watched, she signed him her message. "Deiter." he responded, and she was surprised that he actually knew sign language, it was a rare knowledge that. "Rest a while, the food is nearly cooked." he told her before turning to tend to the rabbit that hung over the fire. Obediently, she listened to his words and leaned back against the rough bark of the tree and closed her eyes, however her mind was overtaxed as she thought of what had happened while she'd been unconscious and if they'd been spotted or perhaps one of the guard had come very close to finding them. If they had then they'd ought to move fast and find new shelter, shouldn't they?

Her pulse began to race now, a sudden fear that perhaps this man was leading her into a trap but one look from his sincere face and she was shocked at her thoughts. He wouldn't lead you into a trap, he wouldnt! her mind told her sternly, chastising herself for believing such a thing. The sound of a snap from the fire made her whirl, trying to look for approaching enemies and her hand inching towards the quiver of arrows. He touched her hand, he'd been doing the same thing. "It's alright." he said after a moment of staring at their hands, and he withdrew his own quickly. "It was the fire, I presume." he said smiling that smile that crinkled his eyes. She nodded and let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. He grabbed a small twig and prodded the meat, it fell from the bone and she looked at it longingly as her stomach growled and complained. She hadn't eaten anything since a while back before being captured by the manic prince who'd believe a mute could talk. He laughed at her, a low husky laugh that made her flush and duck her head, hiding behind her curtain of hair as he passed her a piece of the rabbit's leg and accepted it in her hands, ignoring the heat for it was bliss compared to the coldness of the night. She nodded her head in thanks and ate the meat ravenously while feeling the warmth of his eyes on her as he too ate, much more slowly.

If grandmother was telling the truth in her stories then perhaps it is love at first sight, she thought vaguely, her stomach full of the delicious meat and now a heavy sleepiness settling over her. Do I think I love him? she mulled over that thought for quite some time, the fire warming her with it's nearness and she watched it lazily, the tongues of flame licking at the inky blackness that surrounded her in this nook of the forest. Her mind dulled for a while, and atlast, as she fell into her much wanted sleep she thought, Yes, I do.
To fly away on gossamer wings, sheer as night's reflective glow, I would could I cradle child hecate to my breast.

|| Wisp. ||




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Although I haven't read the first part, this work seems to be captivating for the war-like, yet romantic vibe it gives.
I found some errors that need to be corrected like:
"Those princesses and their princes they always felt a need to give eachother gifts,

There is a space between each and other as they are not considered one word.

she cared only of his heart.

Do you mean to say that she only cared about his heart?

"Deiter." he responded,

." he told her before turning to tend to the rabbit that hung over the fire.

he wouldnt! her

It's alright." he

I presume." he said

Capitalize he and her.

...a sudden fear that perhaps this man was leading her into a trap but one look from his sincere face and she was shocked at her thoughts.

Perhaps add a verb between a trap and but (like rose or something similar to that) and then add a comma before but. Edit the last words "but one look from his sincere face and she was shocked.." into "but one look from his sincere face made her shocked at her thoughts".

'The sound of a snap from the fire made her whirl, trying to look for approaching enemies and her hand inching towards the quiver of arrows.

Something feels wrong near the last part there; it seems to lack parallelism.

I'd like to read more of your work in order to see how chapter 3 may go ;).
SS




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This chapter moved far too fast, and there are crucial details missing. They were running, but then they had time to stop to treat the narrator's wound? Since when? At what point did they lose their pursuers? Where are they now? What time of day is it?

For all the details you have, you're missing the very important ones. Many of the points I made in my review of the previous chapter apply doubly to this chapter, especially with regards to the details and paragraphing. Especially the paragraphing. Right now, this was very difficult to read because of the massive paragraphs, and so when I lost my place, it wasn't easy to find again.

Another thing you really need to watch out for that ties into the details is keeping track of what is going on with your characters. With the narrator, the severity of the wounds on her arms is unclear. Are they deep? Shallow? Are they bleeding heavily? If so, she should have passed out from blood loss long before, and she would be waking up easily or soon. Even if she did wake up, it's unlikely that she would be able to even sit up, much less get up and walk around or muse on whether or not she had fallen in love at first sight.

Before you write about injuries and characters who are injured, it would be best to research what effects those injuries would have on the body and any associated complications. It will help make your writing more believable.
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