Icefire - part 9

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Well I'm posting this for the review day. And because borntobeawriter has wanted me to. ;)
Thanks in advance for any comments! :D

Quick recap: Lynn, Amber, and Peter set out for the Velken Mountain where the Gem of Power is supposedly kept. They've slipped down a hole in the mountain's side and landed in an underwater lake. Now they're pressing on to a cavern.

*Rated 12 for mild violence

Icefire, part nine

Amber tried to catch her breath while they walked. She felt bedraggled and sluggish after the encounter with the water; it always scared her whenever she came into contact with it. But she pressed on, knowing she had to prove herself tough enough to be joining the boys.
“Are you all right?” Lynn asked again, glancing over at her. She nodded firmly, noticing that he seemed vigorous and energetic.
They suddenly entered a large cavern and stopped, staring in awe at the glowing object in the center of the room. It was a clear crystal-like object on the tip of a rocky pillar that stretched high up.
“There it is,” Peter breathed.
They had reached their goal, and Amber quickly set about trying to figure how to obtain it.
“Looks like we’ll have to climb up that,” she said, pointing to the pillar. “There’s no other way.”
Lynn nodded. “I’ll go,” he said. Amber grabbed his arm and he winced.
“No, I’ll go,” she said. “I’m lighter.”
Lynn shrugged. “Whatever.”
She started to ascend the rocks, carefully placing her feet on the open spots. Suddenly, a low growl filled the room. She whipped her head around and looked down.
“What was that?” she asked.
Lynn was drawing out a curiously curved sword that somewhat resembled a scimitar. “Just stay focused on the Gem,” he called. “I’ve got this handled.”
~~~~~

Lynn and Peter backed away from the rock tower, Peter standing slightly behind Lynn because he had no weapon, a fact that he was beginning to regret. Lynn drew his icesickle out and fingered the pouch full of twelve icespears. The growling became louder and closer, and the boys backed up until their backs were to the cavern wall.
A large, scaly red paw suddenly appeared from a dark hole in the cavern that Lynn had previously taken as a shadow. Now the leg came into view, and Lynn braced himself, feeling extremely vulnerable and unarmed with his short sword. It was made of a very thick, durable steel, but in order to use it effectively he had to get in close range with it. He reached into his pack and grasped an icespear, prepared to throw it at the creature.
The snout of a large, scaly lizard appeared, then the head and eye. The great orb was yellow with a black, slit pupil, and it instantly locked onto Lynn’s face as it came around the corner. With a loud roar, the dragon lunged forward, its neck stretching out, and chomped in Lynn’s direction.
“Move!” he yelled, pushing Peter ahead of him. They circled around the pillar, drawing the dragon out. Lynn glanced cursorily upwards, trying to see how far Amber had come. She was out of view, and he looked back at the dragon, which was slinking forward with bared teeth. Lynn could see the serrated edges and the forked tongue that darted out like a snake’s.
The dragon opened its mouth wide again and he threw an icespear with all of his might towards it. The icespear hit the roof of the mouth, for the dragon had thrown up its head at that same moment. It roared in pain and thrashed its tail, destroying a large stalagmite that was close by. Lynn, seeing his chance, leaped forward and hacked at the dragon’s muzzle with his icesickle, making a small gash that started to bleed.
But the dragon swung its head and knocked him away, sending Lynn flying into the cave wall. He hit the hard rock and slumped to the ground, groaning in pain. He faintly heard Amber’s voice calling his name, but his consciousness was wavering.
“Lynn!” Amber called, shaking him. His eyes fluttered open and met hers.
“G-Gem,” he stammered, tasting blood in his mouth.
“Peter’s taking care of it,” Amber said. She sat him up and Lynn’s eyes widened as the dragon opened its mouth, inhaling as it did so.
Before Lynn could say anything, Amber pushed him down and shielded him from the flames with herself, just as the dragon blew fire at them. Lynn felt the scorching heat surround him and then fade within a matter of seconds, though it felt like longer. He opened his eyes and stared up at Amber.
She was completely unharmed. If anything, she was looking more energetic than before. Not a hair or piece of her clothing was singed, and her eyes sparkled as she said, “That’s just what I needed!”
Lynn stared back at her, marveling at how such a small thing as a genuine smile could change a person’s countenance so much. “Thanks,” he croaked.
“No problem,” she said, turning around to face the dragon. It was sniffing the air with a satisfied look, obviously expecting them to be fried to a crisp. Turning back to Lynn, she whispered, “After all, you saved me.”
Lynn smiled. “Where’s Peter?” he hissed in her ear.
“He’s getting the Gem,” she replied, reaching into her belt. “Once he gets it, prepare to run.”
Lynn saw a round metallic ball with a red button on it in her hand, and he instantly knew what it was. “All right,” he said, shifting slightly.
The dragon by that time became aware that its prey was alive, and it shrieked in frustration. Lynn watched as Amber rose and aimed her crossbow at the dragon, dropping the ball into his hand as she did so. He, too, stood up and gasped for breath, his body aching all over.
With a sharp hiss the bolt left the runner, and Lynn stared in amazement as it seemed to burst into flames in midair. It hit the dragon on its wing, where the thin membrane instantly scorched, and the creature roared in pain, at the same time that they saw Peter fall from the pillar, clutching something to his chest.
“I got it!” he called triumphantly.
“Come on!” Amber yelled, rushing forward and dragging Peter up and forward. The three rushed out of the cavern, back the way they had come, and reached the pool of water.
“Get in!” Lynn called to Peter, who immediately obeyed and jumped into the water. Amber was already out of sight, and so Lynn pressed the button and threw it with all his might. The bomb sailed through the air and landed by the cavern opening, where the dragon was just starting to emerge. Without hesitation, Lynn took a deep breath and dove into the murky water.
With a loud boom, the bomb detonated and the place shook. A stalactite broke off the roof and fell into the water, inches away from Lynn, who propelled himself backwards. He counted to ten, then looked upwards. He couldn’t make out any smoke or fire, so he emerged, gasping for breath as he did so.
Peter’s head was already above the water, and Amber came out from behind the stalagmite she had been hiding behind.
“Nice throw,” she said.
Lynn gave a short nod and surveyed the damage. The cavern was completely blocked, and there was no sign of the dragon.
“Where’s the Gem?” Lynn asked, swimming wearily over to the edge of the pool where Amber helped him up.
“Right here,” Peter said, grinning, and pulled out a clear, multifaceted jewel that reflected rainbows on the cave walls.
Lynn stared in amazement at it, and Peter slipped it into a small pouch on his belt. “So we have to swim back across the water to get out,” he said. “Are you guys going to be all right?”
“Yeah, let’s go,” Lynn said, ignoring the pain he felt in his body. He glanced over at Amber, who had a blank expression on her face.
He took her hand and she glanced at him questioningly at him. “Don’t want you to get lost and drown,” he explained sheepishly, inwardly wincing at the lame excuse.
Peter snorted with laughter and dove into the water, swimming easily along to the path. Taking a deep breath, Lynn and Amber went under the water and made their way to land, where Peter helped Amber up. She shivered, but was otherwise fine. The three hurried out of the mountainside and started their descent to where the horses were waiting.
“Let’s hurry,” Amber said, and they urged their horses onwards.
The land rolled by seamlessly, nothing but a large grayish-brown blur, until they neared the city. Lynn pulled his horse to a stop and peered closer. “Is that smoke?”
Last edited by Ranger Hawk on Tue Nov 30, 2010 4:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Rh! Borntobeawriter is rather pleased that you have posted but you didn't send a PM to borntobeawriter so she COULD review! LOL

On to it, then!

She felt bedraggled and sluggish after the encounter with the water; it always scared her whenever she came into contact with it.
I hope this will be explained later on...I don't remember her mentioning this particular fear before.

They suddenly entered a large cavern and stopped, staring in awe at the glowing object in the center of the room. It was a clear crystal-like object on the tip of a rocky pillar that stretched high up.
If the object was glowing in the middle of the room, then they should have seen that before. Do they have lamp lights or something, lighting the path? If not, the glow would be even more obvious in the darkness of the cavern and they would press on, no?

Lynn nodded. “I’ll go,” he said. Amber grabbed his arm and he winced.
Why did he wince? Because of the fall? Shouldn't Amber notice and comment, since he's been wondering about her?

She was completely unharmed. If anything, she was looking more energetic than before. Not a hair or piece of her clothing was singed, and her eyes sparkled as she said, “That’s just what I needed!”
Gotchya! Ok, I get it now!

Well, RH, not much to say. I love this world of yours, love the characters. It came as a surprise to me what Amber was fire-proof and I assume Lynn is water-proof. Aww, opposites attrack haha.

Well, I'm really glad you posted this piece. There was great action and tension and still the comical-relief only Peter can display and release. Great chappy, great work, great writing!

Tanya

P.S my sister's on vacation, but you might like to PM her and tell her this is out lol




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Hey Ranger.

The first thing I noticed here was how thin an emotional reaction this was:

Amber tried to catch her breath while they walked. She felt bedraggled and sluggish after the encounter with the water; it always scared her whenever she came into contact with it. But she pressed on, knowing she had to prove herself tough enough to be joining the boys.


How does it scare her? Is the fear still effecting her now (if it's a major fear, chances are it will)? How does she feel about having to prove herself? How does she feel bedraggled and sluggish? In clumsy movements, having to keep up with them and spending more energy doing so?

By answering those questions, you'll make Amber's emotional life richer, and make it a bit easier to connect with her emotionally.

A second thing I noticed was how the imagery didn't seem all that concrete. When you describe the stone tower, the sentence was a bit hard for me to understand so I missed the fact it was a tower. When you describe the paw coming out of the shadow, I wasn't aware there was even a shadow there.

I'm not saying you have massive paragraphs of description, but throw in a bit more to it than you have now. By having a line here and a line there about what the place looks like, then we'll get a better sense of where they are and won't get sudden shadows where things can hide appearing out of nowhere.

Overall, the elements are there, but the character's emotions and the setting could use a bit more fleshing out.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Review Part 9

I really like this development of Amber being scared of water and energised by fire, and vice versa with Lynn. It would be nice if that kind of stuff cropped up all the way through the novel. UI'm wondering if Peter also has any tricks up his sleeve.

Buff it out and... be careful of adding too much information onto the dialogue. I also think that even though scenes that involve mainly travel can get a bit boring, this little journey can still be stretched out for a lot longer. Sorry for repeating :p It's just such a great story, it seems a shame that it goes so quickly.
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