My first story!

What kid wouldn’t hate going on vacation to Barbie Googolplex with your vicious brother, farty grandma, and moldy dog? Well, that’s what happened to me, on vacation last summer.
Here I was, all ready and packed to go to Hawaii, dream vacation of ‘The Little Girl That Could’. I only say that because I worked my butt off to win this vacation. Apparently they just couldn’t say no after I wrote twelve essays on why I should get this trip. Anyways, I almost fainted when I smelled something sulfurous. ‘Uh, oh,’ I thought to myself, ‘there’s only one stink in the world that smells like that; my ancient grandma’s butter, cabbage, and pinto bean soup.’ Before I could even think about hiding, my grandma burst into my room, wearing an out-of-fashion plaid bonnet, and a plum sundress, which was hideously topped off with a pair of Scotch Tape sandals she had probably picked out of our neighbors garbage disposal.

“Isabelle,” she called, “it’s our lucky day! Brian (my brother) entered a contest for a free vacation last month, and his baled got picked!” “Oh, boy,” I mumbled out loud, “what will it be this time? Lego Land? Star Wars Cinema?” “No, sweetie,” my grandma cooed, as if she had understood me, “We’re going to Barbie Googolplex!”
I don’t remember much after that. When I finally came to, I heard my granny scream at my brother to ‘pick up its poop this instant’. She must have been talking about her dog, Mr. Squiggle Poi, who had the moldiest fur because my grandma never washed him. “But it’s not my job” whined my brother. There was a sharp smacking sound and then my granny sauntered into my room. “Oh, good, you’re awake! The owner of the company sponsoring this vacation just rang the doorbell. Their rental car is here; time to go!!” As I climbed into the beaten-down brown Cadillac, I thought to myself, “I should be riding in a limo to Hawaii right now.”

In the whole 6 hour period of the car ride there, I tried to tell myself that everything would be just fine. I got distracted by the constant beeping of my stupid brother’s video game and my grandma’s nasally voice arguing with the driver about the price. What I don’t understand is why there would be any price at all, because we WON this vacation, but I guess I don’t understand adults. As I pushed Mr. Squiggle Poi off my lap, I convinced myself that it would be alright. It would just be a little Barbie store, we would take a half-hour tops shopping and doing all sorts of lame Barbie things, and then we would be back home again (after the 6-hour car ride, but I could deal with that). I almost fainted again when I saw the main attraction. I’m sure you would, too, if you found yourself staring at a HUGE, 40-story statue of Barbie, which was all pink, and then realizing that her high heels had doors. The Barbie was the building, I realized, groaning to myself. This is going to be the most horrible vacation EVER!

Inside we did all the typical Barbie things someone would do inside a giant, hot pink Barbie. You can only guess at the pain I was going through. We got our nails done; (the dog got bright pink) went shopping for clothes, rode the ‘choo choo’ train, went shopping for jewelry, got pedicures, went shopping for hair accessories, went shopping, went shopping, and went shopping. Barbie on Ice was horrible, and the showing of all the Barbie movies ever made was no better. You and your Barbie dress-up time was just painful. All that time we were attracting many strange looks, gagging noises, and snickers because of the trio of embarrassment I was on this lovely vacation with; the granny, the dog, and the stink. The whole dreadful fiasco lasted about 4 hours. (Don’t forget the 6-hour car ride back, which I spent unsuccessfully trying to rub off the layers of makeup some Barbie character had forced onto my face.)
When we got home, I immediately plopped down on my bed. I was so glad that was over! I made a pact with myself that I would just forget my granny existed when I was in Hawaii.

To my horror, I heard the phone ring, and heard my grandma answer it. As I sprinted down the stairs to recover the phone, I heard the worst words anyone can ever speak come out of my granny’s mouth- “Vacation? What vacation? No, we don’t want a vacation to Hawaii! Never call again!” After successfully slamming down the phone, my granny turned to me and said, “That’s so funny!! They thought you were going to Hawaii!! Silly them!!”

“Oh. My. Lord.” I squeezed out as I slowly walked back up the stairs and into my bedroom. I fell into my bean bag chair and said three simple words, “Hate. My. Life.”


Hey everyone! Thanks for reading this, I really appreciate it! I actually wrote this when I was in fourth grade. I'm working on a new piece, but I thought I should probubly post something so I can get my name out there!!

Thanks again for reading and reviewing!!

*Tay*

Hi,
There's some really good bits of that story, it definitely shows promise and now your older I'm gonna be interested in reading some of your newer work. The reason I say older is because you were showing the young age in the some of the ways you explained things and the narrative voice. But its really good you started young (I'm english so im not sure how young though) and remember that writing is like any skill it takes practice to perfect it so my advice is just write, write, write. If a idea pops up in your head write it down and see if you can expand on it, not every idea will work but every so often one will and you will have the makings of a great story on your hands.
I will look out for any new work and I hope this helps
Titch x

I liked it too. It was very imaginative and I'll definitely be looking forward to when you post your newer work.

Cute! PM me when you post something new, I like your work.

Okay, bubbles…here it is!

Firstly, I like the sarcastic comedy in this story. I like the contrast between the gradma’s behaviour on Hawaii and Barbie land. And one question, why would a boy go to Barbie land????????

Okay comments:

I: Well, that’s what happened to me, on vacation last summer.
Before confronting the real help, I will explain the phrase. The problem here is telling rather than showing. Okay for the first paragraph, this sentence is a bit cliché. Try something else that could show (and predict) her irritation. And this can be applied to “Before I even think of hiding”. I would advice give an irritating phrases to replace it. For example:
“Heh, why do we even bother going there?”
Or
“Last summer was nightmarish”
This way, you can prelude her irritation and start the real story. Rather than using a cliché introduction you suggested an irritating mood and give a way to show the personality of the character.

II: We’re going to Barbie Googolplex!” & You can only guess at the pain
Okay, this two phrases are good in showing the pain but here is a tip. For the first part, you showed us how they are going to Barbie land but on the next you showed us the event to it. What is missing is reaction. Let the character respond to the word either by body language or through dialogue.
Body langueage may be shown by tilting the head continuously, smirking continuously or have a pathetic smile on the face. This is shown through ways such as:
“After she left, I tilted my head to the side continuously while looking at the soup my grandma cook on the table.”
You can also show it by dialogue to reveal her reaction. Here is an example after the phrase:
“Barbie Googolplex….heh…hehehehe….barbie googolplex….hehehehehe….whahahahahaha….”
This example may add to the sarcastic language of the story.

The next phrase is also telling. Like above, show either by body language or dialogue though I described it through body language better. What is her reaction? You can show her by retaining a broad (sarcastic) smile that grows bigger every time they do an event-at the end she had a big smile, or her back push forward so that at the time it finishes, her torso is facing her legs.
The last paragraph which details on the grandma declining the Hawaii trip can also used the same method from above. Use body language on her reaction to her grandma’s reply. This can be done by examples such as:
“My body stood firm before her. Even as she tried to asked me, I remained stiff. With heavy legs, I walked towards the room with my eyes widened through out the walk.)

Other than that, I think you need to work on your character’s response to events by using dialogue or body language. Do not simply comply on statements because it feels lacking for we have the cause but the effect is lacking. Other than that, I like the story. Good job, bubbles!!!!

I wish I could've writen like this in fourth grade....ANYWAYS!
The story was good, highly entertaining. The emotion and characters are conveyed quite clearly (I love the grandma!) And I like the twist at the end. Good job!