He's seen too much

I'm working on my detail writing, and I'm not very good at it. I know I have to tweak it, but I need some ideas on how to put in more detail. It's not very long, but I don't want to go too far without some backup comments, thanks!


He trudged through the snow, slowed by the heaviness of the falling ice. The cold fallen snow was speckled with brown from dirt of the passing public. As he walks, he takes a quick break to look around. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out his Clove cigarettes, and attempts to light one. The rushing of the wind is too hard for the lighter to go, so he gives up.

He walks on for about three yards, then stops in front of house 319. The paint is chipped, and the windows are filled with darkness, but he knows that he's here, hiding somewhere in the cold, empty building. He takes out a small, brown package from his jacket, then slips it through the slot on the door. Then, counting in his head to be sure he doesn't miss count, he knocks seven times. Four times slow, three times fast. Pleased with himself, he walks away.

As he walks, he sees a small girl, guessing her to be around the age on nine. She wore a yellow petty coat, tight around the neckline. Her slacks, too short, came around to her ankle. The wind was blowing her dark brown hair around, so it was hard to see her features. But he never missed her piercing green eyes, a shade he'd never seen before.

Looking at this strange, undeveloped girl, he knew that this would not be the last time he saw those electrifying green eyes. And she stared back at the boy, who looked about 28, who knew all too much, who had the darkest eyes he had ever seen before. And as she stared, she began to uncover every small detail of this 17 year old boy, inside, and out.

First, caps in the title. (OCD )

I don't think you have too little description. Too much can make the story boring and make the reader lose interest.
Tense is important though,

He trudged through the snow

He walks on for about three yards,

Personally, I liked past tense but either way works as long as its constant!

with brown from dirt

Maybe just say brown dirt.. or even just dirt because obviously its brown. Otherwise it's too wordy.

The paint is chipped, and the windows are filled with darkness, but he knows that he's here, hiding somewhere in the cold, empty building.

That's very good description. I don't think you need much more but if you want try describing the front walkway, more than just the paint. Is it an old house? Are the plants overgrown? How does he feel? Is he cold, describe how it feels? And what does it sound like? I imagine that its ominously silent, but what can he hear? It's never completely silent.

Then, counting in his head to be sure he doesn't miss count,

Take out "Then" because you said it in the previous sentence and its unnecessary

As he walks, he sees a small girl, guessing her to be around the age on nine.

What? You mean "he guesses". After the description maybe say, "she looked about nine"

And she stared back at the boy, who looked about 28, who knew all too much, who had the darkest eyes he had ever seen before. And as she stared, she began to uncover every small detail of this 17 year old boy, inside, and out.

Now that is extremely confusing. First of all, you changed tense again. And who is this "boy" and by whose opinion does he look 28? And if he looks or is 28 then he is not really a boy, now is he? And who is "he" that you say in the bolded part? Now suddenly "he" (whoever that is) is 17?

Other than that last part I liked the mystery and vagueness of it. PM with any questions and I'd be happy to further help you. Hope that helped!

Hey there!

So I like this, it's an interesting start. It's quite short, but I'll do my best with a proper review. :]

He trudged through the snow, slowed by the heaviness of the falling ice. The cold fallen snow was speckled with brown from dirt of the passing public.

Hmm, I'm not too sure with the bit I put in bold. It's a bit repetitive; in the previous sentence you mentioned both 'snow' and 'falling'. Maybe change it to something like: 'The cold snow under his feet'. You said that you were trying out detail: how about describing the coldness of the snow more fully? I like the bit that follows though, about the speckles of brown dirt.

As he walks, he takes a quick break to look around.

As LittlePrincess said, beware of tense changes! I noticed that you changed tenses quite a lot, make sure to stick to one, constant, tense.

The rushing of the wind is too hard for the lighter to go, so he gives up.

'Lighter to go' sounds strange. Rephrase?

The paint is chipped, and the windows are filled with darkness, but he knows that he's here, hiding somewhere in the cold, empty building.

I like this, it's intruiging. A small suggestion: how about putting the 'he' (the person in the house) in italics? Because you're referring to the MC as 'he' as well, and it can get a bit confusing. :/

As he walks, he sees a small girl, guessing her to be around the age on nine.

You described the girl nicely, but you didn't mention her surroundings. Where is she? Is she alone? What is she doing? Is she staring back at him? At the moment it seems that this strange girl just popped up out of the middle of nowhere.

And she stared back at the boy, who looked about 28, who knew all too much, who had the darkest eyes he had ever seen before. And as she stared, she began to uncover every small detail of this 17 year old boy, inside, and out.

This is confusing. Read it over, it doesn't make sense somehow.

Overall:

So overall this is a good piece with some great descriptions. In terms of detail, you did it well in some parts, yet other parts were left a bit vague. Like are there any people around apart from him and the girl? And what does he, the MC look like? You don't have to go into a full description, but maybe just add a few little details (example: 'He flicked back his slick, black hair').
Ideas for putting in more detail... just think of our senses: sight, hearing, smell, etc, and introduce those into your story. It would also make the MC more relatable, if we knew what he was hearing and so on.
In terms of grammer, apart from the tenses, it seems good.

I hope you continue with this!

Hope I helped

~Lilicia

Hey,

Just skimming down at first – you change tenses: “As he walks, he takes a quick break to look around. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled”. Watch out for that, stick to one!

Ok, so details. Ha, I have an entirely opposite problem, always feel this very very big need to describe absolutely everything and then get lost and drown in the sea of words. Depends on style, I suppose. Lots of authors describe a lot, others don’t – or rarely do, and that works too. Pick what works with you, what you’re comfortable with, what ends with the best effect. Reading wouldn’t be as fun if everyone wrote in the same way!

And here I’ll say I admire your ambition (stuff I can’t write – I just stay well away from). So, description.
If you want even more description… describe how what he does affects him. Like, the knocking. Does it hrut his knuckles? Etc. He’s pleases w/himself… Smiles? What kind of smile is it? That would give the reader a clue as to whether regard him as a good/bad guy (if you so wish). The cigarette – that the wind blows it out (show the wind doing it), instead of saying the cigarette can’t be lighted. That’s kind of a big school of Show vs. Tell. So describing not only through he did this/she did that, but actually showing how things change and how the action’s done (as opposed to saying it just, well, was).

Undeveloped girl when talking about nine year old just creeped me out. Seriously.

Also, double descriptors only wrok from time to time, when used sparingly. They’re cool to use, but sparingly! So, ‘the beautiful, blue eyed girl’ look horrible next to ‘looked at the pretty, green-eyed baby’.

And the last part about the age – pinning age to a person one does not know always seems forced, especially when it’s exact age – like: 23, not ‘around 20’. How does she know, exactly 23? And then 17… I kind of get what you’re getting at (I think) – (that he looks older than he is in reality?) – but it’s muddly and confusing. Too many numbers, simply put, in one paragraph. So, around is better than exact, in age.

Description... I don't know, there's an endless supply of things to describe, although a filter should always be on (tend to describe stuff that affect characters/plot/in general are of use in some way rather than describe for descirption's sake (as I do)). For people, there age, yes, there's appearance which can be tackled from a million different angles. There's body language, so what he or she does while doing anything else, or even just talking. There's voice tone. There's expression.

The general phrases - don't say afraid, remark on recoiled form, trying to squeeze into a wall, ro something like that; shivering, shaking, etc. To my view, that enormously imporves a piece as opposed to only saying, 'she's afraid'.

Then there's surroudnings - dunno, empty, dark street, wind whistling, whatnot, all these add up to atmosphere of a piece. Should it be joyful? Then what constitutes joyful? Sun, sure, and on and on. Chose and pick and make atmosphere, which also makes story.

Where characters usually become friends of sorts, plot makes reading interesting, descirption is - it's a window through which the reader sees your world. The reader has imagination and can imagine additional stuff (sometimes sthing competely different than what you write!), but everytime you look out of a window, you do see stuff, right? And it changes, created what you see.

Cheers,
Esme

He trudged through the snow, slowed by the heaviness of the falling ice. The cold fallen snow was speckled with brown from dirt of the passing public. As he walk#FF0000 ">ed, he #FF0000 ">took a quick break to look around. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out his Clove cigarettes, and attempts to light one. The rushing of the wind is too hard for the lighter to go, so he gives up. Remember to keep it all in past tense.

He walks on for about three yards, then stops in front of house 319. The paint is chipped, and the windows are filled with darkness, but he knows that he's here, hiding somewhere in the cold, empty building. He takes out a small, brown package from his jacket, then slips it through the slot on the door. Then, counting in his head to be sure he doesn't miss count, he knocks seven times. Four times slow, three times fast. Pleased with himself, he walks away. Tenses again.

As he walks, he sees a small girl, guessing her to be around the age on nine. She wore a yellow petty coat, tight around the neckline. Her slacks, too short, came around to her ankle. The wind was blowing her dark brown hair around, so it was hard to see her features. But he never missed her piercing green eyes, a shade he'd never seen before.

Looking at this strange, #FF0000 ">undeveloped girl, he knew that this would not be the last time he saw those electrifying green eyes. And she stared back at the boy, who looked about 28, who knew all too much, who had the darkest eyes he had ever seen before. And as she stared, she began to uncover every small detail of this 17 year old boy, inside, and out. First, undeveloped doesn't give enough sensory detail. Other than that, I'm confused because I only noticed one boy character and now there's two? I feel like I missed something...also, you didn't give us time to taste the mystery or suspense in the story. Try giving us more to pile up the tension, like something big is going to happen...that way you can keep it interesting, because right now we don't know enough for this to really be interesting. We see a man dropping off a package and a "strange" girl, which like "undeveloped" just doesn't give us enough to really picture her. But really, it just doesn't feel like a whole lot's happening.

Anyway, I think you should expand on this and add more detail.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hi, this is a good start. I think there's a good amount of description, not too much, not too little. Basically i just want to know more. Why does he have to knock seven times? How does he know it's not the last time he'll see the girl? What is the significance of the little girl? What's in the package? Who lives in the house? Why does he look 28 when he is 17 years old?
I look forward to reading the rest.

Hi wondergirl59,

The first thing I noticed was the variance between past and present tense. If you begin your writing in the present, stay constant with that throughout the piece. You said you're trying to improve your descriptions, and I think they're fairl good. I do have a few suggestions though.

The rushing of the wind is too hard for the lighter to go, so he gives up.

In this sentence here I think a different expression would work better than "to go." Try using something like "ignite," or even a metaphor.

Looking at this strange, undeveloped girl, he knew that this would not be the last time he saw those electrifying green eyes. And she stared back at the boy, who looked about 28, who knew all too much, who had the darkest eyes he had ever seen before. And as she stared, she began to uncover every small detail of this 17 year old boy, inside, and out.

While I like your descriptions, this paragraph is a little unclear. Is the man who is 28 the man who apprached the building? Who is the seventeen year old boy? I see that you're trying to create a mysterious atmosphere but without explaining a little more it becomes confusing.

Keep writing though. I look forward to reading some more.

Jasmine.