prolouge ~Fire and Ice~ a tale of a wolf

*I rethought my beginning and started over so here is a rough draft*




I stared at the moon tonight, analyzing its every crevasse ,as it boasts in its full glory. Its like a goddess, the moon, she's a perfect light in a sea of darkness. She provokes me, my hand hand starts to shake but I fight it off. The last time I stared at the moon was the first time I shifted, It's funny to think I'm a werewolf, well I prefer lycan, the moon instigates the beast within, but I release it.
I was lying on my roof ,like I am now, just admiring the moon's beauty, when it happened. I never realized how perfect the moon was until that night, I yearned for it, I craved it. Suddenly I begin to tingle, then the tingle turned into painful quakes in my muscles. It was like i was falling when my eyes were forced shut, an eternal blackness the broke the barriers of reality. I couldn't really tell if I were breathing, I could have been choking for all I knew. The blackness was a barrier, it became the barrier between my body and the body of my new massive wolf form.
The darkness consumed me until I stumbled off the roof, hitting the cold concrete of my driveway. I let out a yelp of pain, but the sound shocked me for it was not human but a wolf, a new body that released the pressures of my life. I stumbled onto my feet and a shot of pain zoomed through my body and the darkness consumed me once more, I found myself lying naked on the cold concrete shivering in fear and excitement.
After that night I didn't speak to anyone I didn't know what to say. Nothing computed in my mind, only darkness, that terrifying darkness that made me into what I am today. A lycan, the most powerful beast in existence.

*claps slowly*

Bra... vo. I'm the guy who reviewed Chapter 4 the first time you posted it. I don't know what you were doing in the last month and a half, but your writing went from "this" to #FF0000 ">"THIS!". The last paragraph was especially powerful.

There were a few minor grammatical errors I noticed, but nothing too big.

It was like i was falling when my eyes were forced shut, an eternal blackness the broke the barriers of reality.

Remember to capitalize the word "I". Also, "the" should be be "that", as in, "an eternal blackness that broke the barriers of reality".

After that night I didn't speak to anyone I didn't know what to say.

Did you mean to put a period between "anyone" and "I"? Because you should.

I really like this. The last paragraph especially had me wanting more.
I'll be sure to read more of your work!

--->Deane

Hi MAri0O07
I like this prologue a lot.
I only have one nit-pick and that is

my hand hand starts to shake but I fight it off

shouldn't there only be one hand not two?
midnightread

MAri0O07 wrote:


I stared at the moon tonight, analyzing its every #FF4040 ">crevasse as it boasts in its full glory. #FF4040 ">It's like a goddess, the moon, she's a perfect light in a sea of darkness. She provokes me, my #FF4040 ">hand starts to shake but I fight it off. The last time I stared at the moon was the first time I shifted#FF4040 ">. It's funny to think I'm a werewolf, well, I prefer lycan. The moon instigates the beast within, but I release it.
#FF4040 ">I was lying on my roof, like I am now, just admiring the moon's beauty, when it happened. I never realized how perfect the moon was until that night, I yearned for it, I craved it. Suddenly I begin to tingle, then the tingle turned into painful quakes in my muscles. It was like#FF4040 "> I was falling when my eyes were forced shut, an eternal blackness the broke the barriers of reality. I couldn't really tell if I #FF4040 ">was breathing, I could have been choking for all I knew. The blackness was a barrier, it became the barrier between my body and the body of my new massive wolf form.
The darkness consumed me until I stumbled off the roof, hitting the cold concrete of my driveway. I let out a yelp of pain, but the sound shocked me for it was not human but a wolf, a new body that released the pressures of my life. I stumbled onto my feet and a shot of pain zoomed through my body and the darkness consumed me once more, I found myself lying naked on the cold concrete shivering in fear and excitement.
After that night I didn't speak to anyone I didn't know what to say. Nothing computed in my mind, only darkness, that terrifying darkness that made me into what I am today. A lycan, the most powerful beast in existence.

This is incredibly good and well-written. A part from the little punctuation mistakes I highlighted in red, this is a really good start. Although I didn't read your original prologue, this one is very good and I look forward to reading the rest.

I liked this because I caught my attention and made me read till the end. It never lost my concentration and I applaud you for that *claps*. It's a really good description of him/her changing and it includes LOADS of dramatic wording.

The little nitpicks I highlighted in red are just little things, and I accept it's only the rough draft. Nothing big, no re-write. Just a little editing, ooh, and I find that reading aloud helps, or get your mum or dad to read it and edit it, if you want. Or any of your friends, or family. It'll really help, trust me

Hope I helped,

Your prologue was very well done and it made me cry for more. It was very well laid out and now I really want to find out who this werewolf (excuse me...lycan) character is.