Left to Die

Spoiler

Another old write.

I have no name
I am but a ghost
For no one see's me
Even as I lie here
Among the crowds

I see the faces
Drifting past me in a blur
The faces of the oblivious
The ones that just look passed me

I Have no face that they will see
No voice that they will hear

They have no eyes to see me
As I lie broken in the street

They have no ears to hear me
As I cry out for help

They have no hands to help me up
Off the cold hard ground

They just look past me and walk on
For I am the girl that no one wanted
The boy that ran away
The daughter that was beaten and bruised
The son that tried to get out

I was the one that needed help
But no one seemed to see
So now I watch them as they pass
While I lie dieing in the street

The last stanza really made this poem for me. The idea that the abused are standing right among us and we ignore them is a deeply moving one. I also like the changing number of lines in the different stanzas. The different lengths suit each piece's content very well.
That said, I felt that the first stanza was a bit cliche. I would try to express the same idea in a more unique way, as a ghost drifting on the wind is a very commonly used image.
The last 3 lines of the first stanza seem disconnected with the rest of the poem. They don't quite mesh with the desperation of the rest of the poem, and the drifting on the wind doesn't fit with how the narrator is lying in the street for the rest of the poem.

This is so sad!

SilentRain wrote:

Spoiler

Another old write.

I have no name
I am but a ghost
Fading in and out of shadows
Going with the wind
Letting it carry me

I see the faces
Drifting past me in a blur
The faces of the oblivious
The ones that just look passed me I like this line

I Have no face that they will see
No voice that they will hear

They have no eyes to see me
As I lie broken in the street

They have no ears to hear me
As I cry out for help

They have no hands to help me up
Off the cold hard ground I really like all of that last bit

They just look past me and walk on
For I am the girl that no one wanted
The boy that ran away
The daughter that was beaten and bruised
The son that tried to get out
I was the one that needed help
But no one seemed to see
So now I watch them as they pass
While I lie dying in the street

It makes me feel really sad, which I think is the point, yes?
Good job

SilentRain wrote:

Spoiler

Another old write.

I have no name
I am but a ghost
For no one see's me
Even as I lie here
Among the crowds

I see the faces
Drifting past me in a blur
The faces of the oblivious
The ones that just look passed me

I Have no face that they will see
No voice that they will hear

They have no eyes to see me
As I lie broken in the street

They have no ears to hear me
As I cry out for help

They have no hands to help me up
Off the cold hard ground

They just look past me and walk on
For I am the girl that no one wanted
The boy that ran away
The daughter that was beaten and bruised
The son that tried to get out

I was the one that needed help
But no one seemed to see
So now I watch them as they pass
While I lie dieing in the street

I reaaaaaaaaally really like this poem. At first I thought it was just some abused person, but then as it got to the second to last stanza, I realized rather than talking from a particular narration, it was more like, the air of abuse, speaking, reaching out from each perspective ("For I am the girl, the boy, the daughter, the son") Yadda yadda. Hopefully that makes sense haha. Anyways, not much I could critique on, apart from the obvious spelling/grammatical nitpicks. This poem was cool, and had a sad emotion to it. Well done.

I have no name
I am but a ghost
For no one see's meNo apostrophe needed in sees.
Even as I lie here
Among the crowds.

I see the faces
Drifting past me in a blurPut something here, maybe just a little dash -
The faces of the oblivious
The ones that just look passed me.

I Have no face that they will see
No voice that they will hear.

They have no eyes to see me
As I lie broken in the street.

They have no ears to hear me
As I cry out for help.

They have no hands to help me up
Off the cold hard ground.

They just look past me and walk on
For I am the girl that no one wanted
The boy that ran away
The daughter that was beaten and bruised
The son that tried to get out. Something about this last line threw off the rhythm...

I was the one that needed help
But no one seemed to see
So now I watch them as they pass
While I lie dieing in the street. dying

First, remember your grammar. Second, I love what you're talking about. People do need to open their eyes to the people who are crying out for help, because I know that there are people out there that need help but never get it. You lose your rhythm around the end, though, so try tweaking it until you can make it flow a little more naturally.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey SilentRain, CaptianRandom here.

I loved this poem, it was very sad how no one helped her. You seemed to have put a lot of time in this poem, it was very well explained. I loved how you described the person.

For I am the girl that no one wanted
The boy that ran away
The daughter that was beaten and bruised
The son that tried to get out.

I loved this poem and i hope to read more of your poems. Keep up the good work.

-CaptianRandom
-Many crystals with many emotions