Killing an Angel <Edited>

Spoiler

So, this is my first atempt at Narrative Poetry... I'm not sure how it is but, I like it... I don't really like the ending, but that might jsut be me?
Thoughts??

Oh, and if this really isn't Narrative Poetry, please tell me...

The << >> Is what I added, what do you think??


Hush my love.
Why do you quiver?
Why shake?
Soon I will set you free.
Soon you will be as you should,
an angel! Beautiful and wondrous!

Alas, it was when my eyes first fell upon you,
that I knew what I had to do.
Someone like you, with a Gods perfection
has no place here on this tainted Earth.
But worry not my love,
for a palace of white pearls
waits for you in Glory.

Oh, it was your eyes,
a soft spring green,
like little meadows,
of newly bloomed grass.

And oh, it was you hair.
A fierce fiery red,
like the arms of the sun,
reaching out to give life.

But oh, it was also your skin,
like an Ivory Doll's,
so fair and lovely,
the blue vains of life show through.

Simply perfection!
Perfection that needs saving.
The angels, they envy your flawlessness.
They don’t want you to claim your palace,
for then no angel could ever compare.
And thus they devised a most awful scheme,
to make a deal with the Devil,
to send you below, to eternal damnation.

But oh, I saw them plotting,
and now I know what I must do.
I will send you to our Father,
and for my service, I will come too.

<<With this knowledge
I followed you home,
through the park at sunset.
Through the confetti leaves
floating along peacefully
in the arms of the Autumn wind.

Your house, a nice blue,
was quite easy to get in.
No locks or chains blocked my way.
And there you were,
so soundly off in dreamland.

While you slept, I set aside
all I would need to send you home.
A knife to release you from your human skin,
and a gun to release me from mine.
With a rope I tied you to your bedposts,
and here we are! Just you and I.>>


So hush my angel love,
hush so I may save you.
Oh, you cry tears of joy,
I do to! I do to!
Thank you my Lord,
for letting me deliver to you this angel!

Two days later,
the police report reads:
Schizophrenic 40 year old man
sliced the throat of a 18 year old girl,
then shot himself in the head.
Note found at the scene reads:
I am the angel maker!
I take this angel with me now
to return to her home above!
Rejoice! Rejoice!
I have saved yet another!!

SilentRain wrote:

Spoiler

So, this is my first atempt at Narrative Poetry... I'm not sure how it is but, I like it... I don't really like the ending, but that might jsut be me?
Thoughts??

Oh, and if this really isn't Narrative Poetry, please tell me...

Hush my love.
Why do you quiver?
Why shake?
Soon I will set you free.
Soon you will as you should,This doesn't really make sense. I think you should have a be between will and as, going by the next line.
an angel! Beautiful and wondrous!

Alas, it was when my eyes first fell upon you,
that I knew what I had to do.
Someone like you, with a God's perfection
has no place here on this tainted Earth.
But worry not my love,
for a palace of white pearlsI like this imagery.
waits for you in Glory.

Oh, it was your eyes,
a soft seaweed green,
like little meadows,
of newly bloomed spring grass.
Did the eyes change color? Depending on where you are, grass looks a lot different than seaweed. I know in my neighborhood, the color of the grass is much darker than seaweed. Can you stick to one comparison please.
And oh, it was you hair.
A fierce fiery red,
like the arms of the sun,
reaching out to give life.

But oh, it was also your skin,
like an Ivory Doll's,
so fair and lovely,
through it the blue of life is seenI don't understand this. Was the skin kinda bluish or was it clear and the inside was blue?.

Simply perfection!
Perfection that needs saving.
The angels, they envy your flawlessness.
They don’t want you to claim your palace,
for then no angel could ever compare.
And thus they devised a most awful scheme,
to make a deal with the Devil,
to send you below, to eternal damnation.

But oh, I saw them plotting,
and now I know what I must do.
I will send you to our Father,
and for my service, I will come too.

So hush my angel love,
hush, so I may save you.
Oh, you cry tears of joy,
I do too! I do too!
Thank you my Lord,
for letting me deliverto you this angel!

Two days later,
the police report reads:
Schizophrenic 40 year old man
sliced the throat of a 18 year old girl,
then shootthis should be shot himself in the head.

Note found at the scene reads:
I am the angel maker!
I take this angel with me now
to return to her home above!
Rejoice! Rejoice!
I have saved yet another!!

I like the way most of the poem flows. I spaced out the last two stanzas for you, because I think they read better this way. This was good, but in the last stanza you mention that the person speaking was schizophrenic. I didn't pick up on that when I read the rest of the poem. Could you make that clearer, please? This was good. Keep going!

Wow. . .just wow! I LOVE this!

Oh, it was your eyes,
a soft seaweed green,
like little meadows,
of newly bloomed spring grass.
Did the eyes change color? Depending on where you are, grass looks a lot different than seaweed. I know in my neighborhood, the color of the grass is much darker than seaweed. Can you stick to one comparison please.

I actually think this is good, but I think it's because the grass where I live is actually pretty close in color to seaweed.

And oh, it was you hair.
A fierce fiery red,
like the arms of the sun,
reaching out to give life.

I like the description here! I think you did an excellent job with the red hair.

But oh, it was also your skin,
like an Ivory Doll's,
so fair and lovely,
through it the blue of life is seen

At this part, is it that she's already dead/dying, and he's just looking at her? (sorry if this sounds stupid, poetry isn't my strong point I was drawn in by the title).

Two days later,
the police report reads:
Schizophrenic 40 year old man
sliced the throat of a 18 year old girl,
then shoot himself in the head.
Note found at the scene reads:
I am the angel maker!
I take this angel with me now
to return to her home above!
Rejoice! Rejoice!
I have saved yet another!!

I think this was a perfect way to end it! With describing why he did it (even though I kind of caught on, but it felt good to know I was right ;D). Although I agree with idraax it should be shot instead of shoot.

Anyways over all I think you did a AMAZING job! ;D (In my oppoin this was Narrative Poetry)

SilentRain wrote:Hush my love.
Why do you quiver?
Why shake? Isn't quivering the same thing as shaking? So why ask the samething twice? It doesn't really advance your ideas at all, it holds them where they are at. We like to see movement in a poem, a chain of ideas that moves from point A to point B. I think you should remove one of these, you pick, whichever you think sounds better.
Soon I will set you free.
Soon you will as you should, Soon, you will be as you should? I think you forgot the be in there. And this line also suggests what the line above it says. If you are not as you should be, you're not you, which can be thought of as not free. So, you may wish to remove that line. The above one, that is.
an angel! Beautiful and wondrous! Beautiful and wondrous are what can be called Blank description. Blank description doesn't really tell us anything because it's normally associated with subjective words, like beauty, pain, grace. Things that can have a different definition based on who is reading this. It would be better to stay away from such things because in this form, they tell us nothing. An action or example to how they're beautiful might help.

Alas, it was when my eyes first fell upon you, This has little to no(It really has none) connection to what is said above, it's almost like a new beginning to this poem. I think the real problem is the connecting word "alas". I think that line would work better with like, instead of alas. Making it into a simile, and then expanding upon that could help. That way, this stanza helps describe what is above it and you can still move on to your next idea. So long as it relates to when you first saw this person.
that I knew what I had to do.
Someone like you, with a Gods perfection If you used a metaphor / more direct comparason, saying this is this instead of this with this. If something is with something else, it's not as strong as it being that thing. Like, you know twin brothers versus regulr brothers, you know the connection between the twins is stronger(normally) than it is between brothers. And then, ofcourse, you'd have to make the other lines match up with this but I am sure you can do that.
has no place here on this tainted Earth.
But worry not my love,
for a palace of white pearls
waits for you in Glory.

Oh, it was your eyes,
a soft seaweed green,
like little meadows, I like that you TRIED to use a simile, but it doesn't exactly work too well here. Reason being is that, it doesn't describe anything. It's not too good to describe over what you just described. Because is the soft seaweed green like little meadows of newly bloomed gress? No, it's the eyes. And the way you have this set up makes it sound like you're describing over the seaweed green. And that does bring me to my next point, the eyes are like little meadows of newly bloomed spring grass, but what does that mean? Why is it important? You're describing what they looked like, but how is this connected to them dying and going to heaven? unless their eyes did something to effect your over all idea, they're not too worth mentioning. Even though, I do like the simile, it's just not used to it's full potential.
of newly bloomed spring grass.

And oh, it was you hair.
A fierce fiery red,
like the arms of the sun,
reaching out to give life. I like this simile more, because it is used better. The difference between this one and the one above is the action. And that it describes it further. But what I don't like is the arms of the sun part. This is a somewhat abstract idea, what are the arms of the sun? The whisps of fire? Becuase I cannot understand arms of the sun, I don't understand your simile. You might want to change that to something that can be more easily understood. Something that is more concrete. A relation to the real world that is the same for everyone. Like saying an apple fuels life.

But oh, it was also your skin,
like an Ivory Doll's,
so fair and lovely,
through it the blue of life is seen. The blue of life....? What? You need to expand on this. None of this stanza makes sense. You should just rewrite the entire thing, honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about. If you keep a theme running through your poem you can do things like this because we have other things to compare it to and figure out, but there's no theme. Like all the imagery being in terms of the stars.

Simply perfection!
Perfection that needs saving. You should remove this line and the line above. The line speaking of how the angels envey this person is a better connector. Because it gives more relation to your poem. Not just stating pefection like it's not connected to anything. Atleast using a metaphor, you are perfection or whatever, would help because it gives perfection an object to describe.
The angels, they envy your flawlessness.
They don’t want you to claim your palace, This is sort of a boring way to say this. It's just very direct. and it's telling instead of showing,
for then no angel could ever compare. I thought they already couldn't compare? Since they envey this person.
And thus they devised a most awful scheme,
to make a deal with the Devil,
to send you below, to eternal damnation.

But oh, I saw them plotting,
and now I know what I must do.
I will send you to our Father,
and for my service, I will come to.

So hush my angel love,
hush so I may save you.
Oh, you cry tears of joy,
I do to! I do to!
Thank you my Lord,
for letting me deliver you this angel!

Two days later,
the police report reads:
Schizophrenic 40 year old man
sliced the throat of a 18 year old girl,
then shoot himself in the head.
Note found at the scene reads:
I am the angel maker!
I take this angel with me now
to return to her home above!
Rejoice! Rejoice!
I have saved yet another!! Interesting ending.

Over all: This doesn't really move too much. It really just focuses on that angel person and it just really states that they are enveyed and then ending with insanity. You should spend less time focusing on describing this person because that seems like it's not totally important, it sounds like filler to me.

As for your ending, it comes out of no where. I don't know if it was reflected in your poem or not; except for the last few stanzas but then they themselves are a bit unrelated to the rest of a poem. It's a change of tone that is random and interupts the flow of the poem.

And was the arms of the sun simile or the blue of life thing, a show of insanity? Or legitimate mistakes?

And you should give some more imagery, we don't have a lot of description to how this all happens. You just tell us what happened, but that's not what we want to hear, we want to see what happens. The actions that make you say these things.

You also have some problems with connection between the stanzas. I think this is due to some filler. What I think the filler is all that description of this person. Your main doesn't really seem connected to these descriptions. And I believe that removing the filler will help to keep the tone and flow one thing.
I want you to go over this poem, and think of it in terms of a lesson that a teacher would give.
What points do you need to make? What examples can you use to help describe this? Do your ideas connect to and support eachother? What points might not be needed?

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my review;
Silented1.

Heya

I'm here to review as requested. As you know, critiquing poetry isn't my strong point, but I'll see if I can come up with anything useful to tell you. I'm not going to do any nit-picks, by the way, because they all seem to be covered and your grammar is actually very good.

I'm rather fond of this actually, Rain. I especially adore your descriptions of the "angel". That comes into my critique, strangely enough, but I'll explain that later. I loved the imagery you created in your description, and I especially liked the seaweed green meadow description; I thought that was clever and creative. I didn't see any issues with the flow or the structure of this, so thumbs up for that. I think that the flow in a poem is very important, and I'm glad to see you using it effectively.

Since I started reading your poems, I have seen a gradual improvement in every one. I really do applaud you for that. One thing I really love about YWS is when following someone's work, I notice an improvement in it. Whether it's a gradual or a sudden improvement, I really love it. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that it puts you in my good books!

My only real issue with this right now is that it doesn't 100% feel like a narrative poem. I know this is your first attempt at writing a narrative poem, and I can happily say that you've done a good job. It's just that I think the narrative side of it could do with a hint of touching up. The small problem that I have is actually something that's been mentioned by Silented. You spent an awful lot of chapters describing the "angel" in the poem. Although your descriptions were lovely, they interfered with the narrative a little. I think that you spent too much time describing your character, and not quite enough time telling us the story.

I can see what the story of this narrative poem is, but I think that you need to bring it out more. You need to concentrate more on the story, and I'd suggest cutting down a little on the description of the "angel". I think that because of how much you have described that character, you haven't left enough descriptions for the happenings in your poem. Your describing is great, but you're not really using it when describing a happening. It kind of feels like you're saying "this happened, then that, then this," in the poem. Don't only describe what can be seen, heard, smelt e.t.c, but also describe the actions and the happenings themselves. Am I making sense?

Other than that, there's nothing clear that I have to critique for you about this. All that you need to do to this is a bit of tweaking, and if you do that, I can see this ending up as a very wonderful piece of writing, Rain! Your writing is improving more and more every time I read something new of yours.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins