Swallowing Lies

Spoiler

I know most of you won't get it. I'm just going to say it's about a suicide. That's all you need to know, and if you still don't get it... Well I can explain the whole story that's behind it. Just don't base your opinion on rather you get it or not.

These twinkling stars above me,
Form a darkening globe enveloping me.
You are one of the flashing lights,
Carelessly watching over the world.

The burden that was dragging you.
Secrets that were crushing you.
You've walked towards the sun,
The lies swallowing you whole.

Hi there.
I have a couple things. FIrst off, you keep referring to stars twinkling and flashing, but do they really? Plus, regardless of whether or not stars actually twinkle, poets for centuries have used that particular adverb to describe our celestial companions. Why not try something a little different? "These ice-cold stars above me?" "These soulful stars above me?"

Also, you had some incomplete sentences which were jarring and made your wonderful little poem seem a bit juvenile. It would be easy to fix; just make the first two lines into "These twinkling (?) stars above me/ form a darkening globe enveloping me" or something.

It seemed weird that you said the person was "carelessly watching". It was a strange thing to think about, something different that we usually think about. Are you sure you mean "carelessly?" Maybe you do. It's an interesting way to look at things.

My last point is that the ending seemed... unfulfilling. I don't know how you might go about fixing that, but maybe you need to add another stanza, explaining the lies. I can't be very helpful there, it's your poem.

Happy editing!
PM me with any questions
-Aussie

Hey there!

I've read your 'spoiler' and I still don't get it. I have one opinion about people who say that most people don't get their poem: that they need to change their poem so that people do get it. Poems that no one gets are not published or read. I read this over a couple times and failed to see the suicide theme.

What it sounds like to me is this:

A person is looking up at the stars. They hope that one of those stars is someone close to them that died, watching over them and being there to give advice if needed. The second stanza sounds like the person who is in the star has left and isn't giving advice, and isn't there for the main character at all.

If you want it to sound like it's about suicide, I suggest changing it to first person. This would make it seem more like the person is committing suicide, rather than a person watching someone do it. I don't know if that's how you want it to be. All I know is that I would have never thought of suicide if you hadn't have mentioned it.

However I do like this poem. The words are beautifully put together and it seems as though you spent a lot of time on it, even though it's short. I might suggest lengthening it so you can get your suicide point across.

Keep writing,

Classy

Hi,

I don't really think this is working. You have a good idea, and I really like the idea behind it, but I don't think you went about it the right way. "twinkling stars" "flashing lights" "crushing secrets." These things have been described this way a thousand times, and for ages. My suggestion is that you find a different way to describe thing in your poem, because then, your poem won't just be "okay," it will be great.

You have the potential.

-Spork

Aw yes... I know what you all mean about the suicide thing... It's actually missing a part, but I couldn't phrase it well so I just went and didn't write it. The poem's about my friend who knew someone who comited suicide. He wrote a letter to my friend before, and gave it to him, and it nearly destroyed him. The last part explains all of this... I'll probably try to work on it and as soon as the review day is done, I'll try to past it. Hopefully, it will enlighten you guys.

Thanks for the review! With no critics, I can't learn...

-Other One

Hey Other! Stella here!

Firstly, if a poem's about suicide, we should know it's about suicide. Even if it's from the title. Poetry is all about "getting" the poem, so if we can't understand it, then there's a problem, right? Because you wouldn't be expressing yourself properly

These twinkling stars above me,
Form a darkening globe enveloping me. How do the stars- twinkling little bits of light- form a darkening globe?
You are one of the flashing lights,
Carelessly watching over the world.

The burden that was dragging you.
Secrets that were crushing you. Yes, what about them? Why the "that" if it isn't justified?
You've walked towards the sun,
The lies swallowing you whole.

Alright, this is a neat little poem you've got here- neat literally, tidy with pretty images and structure. I like that. But I'm stuck on what you said about not "getting it" because clearly you knew people mightn't, and that really is a problem. Now that you've said it, I understand, but I wouldn't have otherwise. Try and work it into the poem, you can easily fit in another stanza there. What you've done is great, but there needs to be more to it.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

This is so touching and it grasped my heart and brought tears to my eyes. You are really good. And your only 15?! Your spectacular, and your writing is so good, I know you will become something incredible one day. You will be a legend, never stop writing.