"You'll keep me company, right?"

Spoiler

Ahh, where is the spell checker!? It's madness without it! And this is a practice poem.

My house is quiet,
Like the forest
With a leaky roof, and one person
That needs to find their way out.

His footsteps condemn reality
Like the echos of yesterday's day.
Imagination is fueled by these fossils.

I wail with words of smoke,
I am the betrayed dog
bathed in a reckless fire
that swarms with every mistake.

Thoughts are lies,
half truths based in his eyes
like leaves on a tree
that will slowly burn.

As I stand quietly
In the corner
Watching the water trickle
From the ceiling.

Hello there

So, I thought your poem was a little confusing. Confusing in the sense that none of your stanza's really mesh well, each one stands on its own or has it's own topic. I don't know, maybe I'm not getting the big picture, but honestly that's how I see things. The first stanza I thought posessed some great imagery, but everything after that is very disjointed.

Keep writing

Hey! I put it through spell check and there was nothing wrong but I think you might have used the wrong words in some places

My house is quite,...quite like the forest? or quiet, like the forest?
Like the forest
With a leaky roof, and one person
That needs to find their way out. possibly 'who', not 'that'?

His footsteps condemn reality
Like the echos of yesterday's day.
Imagination is fueled by fossils.I like this

I wail with words of smoke,
I am the betrayed dog
bathed in a reckless fire
that (which, not that)swarms with every mistake.

Thoughts are lies,
half truths based in his eyes I don't understand how they're 'based' in his eyes, maybe just 'half truths in his eyes'?
like leaves on a tree
that (again, I think it's which, not that)will slowly burn.

As I stand quietly
In the corner
Watching the water trickle
From the ceiling.

That's all I noticed. It's a pretty poem, although I have no idea what it's about (not that that has to be a problem). Oh, the only other thing is the title; I don't understand how it relates to the poem, and I'm not sure that I'm a fan of speech marks in the title, but if it makes sense to you that's what really matters.

Hope that was helpful

-pigeon

hello.

personally, i find that you don't have a certain topic in your poem, it jumps from one thought to another. maybe you have to stick to one idea, like the house for example, or him, whoever he is, or you. i don't know, because i can't quite understand your poem. though, you know well how to play with words.

maybe you just need a certain direction, like knowing where your words will go, and then arrange them into lines. this poem has a lot of ideas, i can see that, and i think it's not quite well to fit them into several stanzas.

hope i made sense. keep writing.

Hello,

as others mentioned above, you don't have a set topic. Its a bit confusing because you jump from one thing to a next. From a house to dog, which is it. You say 'he' & 'i', poems should stay one topic . it has lots of ideas, maybe you need to narrow down & go in one direction.
I hope I made sense and helped.

-Midnight

I understand that.
What I ment was, you just say 'his footsteps' [house]' then you jump to 'dog'.
I didn't mean perspective, like you just need to go in one direction.

Edit:
Overall, it was good, but could use editing and improvement.

Hello there, Eddie!

silented1 wrote:My house is quite,
Like the forest
With a leaky roof, and one person
That needs to find their way out. I quite liked this first stanza; it was a fresh idea, and one that I hadn't heard before. Bravo.

His footsteps condemn reality
Like the echos of yesterday's day. This line was confusing; it truly interrupted the flow because, due to lack of understanding, I had to go back and reread it again and again. Even now, I do not completely understand this line. Perhaps just "like the echos of yesterday" would suffice?
Imagination is fueled by fossils. Quite a random line; also threw me off a bit.

I wail with words of smoke, You go from "him/his" to "I wail/I am" -- that catches my attention.
I am the betrayed dog
bathed in a reckless fire
that swarms with every mistake.

Thoughts are lies,
half truths based in his eyes
like leaves on a tree
that will slowly burn. This stanza seemed a bit out of place in this poem, in my opinion; perhaps it is once again just the change from "I" to "him/his," but I think it might more so lie in the fact that the first two lines rhyme and, to me, the rhyme doesn't seem all too natural and free-flowing.

As I stand quietly
In the corner
Watching the water trickle
From the ceiling.

Overall

When I read this poem, I immediately realized it wasn't a poem that you usually wrote (not that I stalk all your poetry or anything, Eddie). It was a new kind of style, and wording, almost, and I liked it. One valid point pointed out before me is the fact that this poem jumps around a lot. I found myself stumbling over a few lines, and some stanzas truly didn't seem to fit there.

However, you had a very nice way of painting this scene in my head with this poem; and I praise you for that. I also was wonderfully surprised at the grammar & punctuation - you did very well there, as well. I also quite liked the ending of the poem. Just one more thing: the way you would switch from "I am" to "he is" and such was a bit confusing, but I understood it and excepted it as part of the poem's style.

Bravo, Eddie.

Straight-forward, not subtle, not metaphorical, no particularly interesting words or descriptions. Ordinary.