Dashnor wrote:My love listen to me
I want you to be with me
I love you more than my life
Please would you be my wife Arg, this is so direct and boring and overly lovey. You should mention how you love them, why you love them, using poetic devices such as metaphors and similes to help us think of everything in terms of action and relation, not bland thoughts that we can do nothing with.
Also, you're not describing anything here, you can simply say, I love you more than my life, please be my wife. And it will say the same thing. The first two lines are unneeded. You can drop them or make them more significant to help us see how this works. What you're saying here, should be my reaction to what happens. I should be thinking that you want to be with them, that you love them soo much. You can do this by telling us what makes you say this.
We are so great together
Oh God i love you forever
So when you are reading this
you will think how you like me This is still incredibly direct. Refer to above. And when you speak to that person specificly, make them into a more concrete idea, otherwise it's wordless lines that you don't even need. What is the point to saying when you are reading this, you'll think of how you like me? You can drop those lines and just rephrase your second to last line to say, it's ment to be; you and me. And it will still say the same thing, so you need to figure out what you're trying to say and how you can best go about doing so.
i will just say it's meant to be
YOU and ME Lol? What is the point of those caps? Are you raving abotu being togeather? and this is a bit childish, you should show action that allows us to tell that you're yelling. Like: You and me from the mountian tops to the tree trunks. Something that can show some sort of reason or clue that you'd be yelling.
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