Waiting in the Waiting Room

Yes- the title is intended to be repetitive.

So, this is a description I wrote, just to seem realistic and improve my character development and I'm not sure if I want to turn it into something more. Is it too detailed? What should I cut out? Thanks for reading. c:





The man blowing his nose was like a fog horn, shattering the early morning fog in the doctor's office. His hands trembled and his movements jerked, elderly frailty magnified by whatever malady had brought him here. I watched him for a moment before I remembered myself, and tried to casually shift my gaze, as if I hadn't been staring in the first place.
I knew I shouldn't have scheduled my appointment so obscenely early. Now the doctor would be forced to differentiate between my actual condition and my morning zombie-ness.
The room was still quiet, seating only six people right now, all sitting appropriate distances away from each other. I had a four chair barrier to my left, where I stressed looking woman in a business suit sat. She'd been checking the time every two to four minutes on a rather masculine and clunky watch. I only knew because I'd been too. To my there, there was a much larger gap- only about six chairs, but there were several sidetables struggling under plethoras of magazines. I had checked them before sitting down to wait, about seventeen minutes ago, but couldn't find anything of serious interesting in the golf and fashion editions sitting on the top, and felt a bit awkward when my rummaging through them created what seemed to be pandemonium in an another otherwise dead silent room. It was as if the hospital were already a morgue.
The man on the other side of that particular barrier seemed quite excited by the edition of Golf Today. His eyes moved with ferocity from page to page, and his rather large nose was hidden by a man in an exaggerated smile and pose on the front page.
And the elderly man blew his nose again. I couldn't begin to imagine how self-conscious I would be, blowing my nose like the Queen's own trumpets. But the old man didn't appear to have any reservations, even in a room as thick with silence as this one. He had a sour expression already, so it was difficult to say. When the horns ended and he put his shaking hands back into his lap, he looked up at me, a bit more of an intentional glare in them. Whoops. Apparently, I'd been watching for too long again.
I quickly averted my curiosity to the clock. Two minutes and approximately forty seconds since I'd last checked. Almost twenty minutes then, since my appointment was supposed to have started.

Spoiler

If I did turn it into something more, it would be about some type or writer person thingy (hence the observations) who might have some sort of OCD or something. I dunno.

bold is my comments.

Persephoneia wrote:
The man blowing his nose was like a fog horn, shattering the early morning fog in the doctor's office. His hands trembled and his movements jerked, elderly frailty magnified by whatever malady had brought him here. I watched him for a moment before I remembered myself, and tried to casually shift my gaze, as if I hadn't been staring in the first place. I like this paragraph, though it could use a better hook.
I knew I shouldn't have scheduled my appointment so obscenely early. Now the doctor would be forced to differentiate between my actual condition and my morning zombie-ness. The why did he? Explain the perks, like it wasn't busy or something.
The room was still quiet, seating only six people right now, all sitting appropriate distances away from each other. I had a four chair barrier to my left, where I stressed looking woman in a business suit sat. She'd been checking the time every two to four minutes on a rather masculine and clunky watch. I only knew because I'd been too. To my there,i think you meant right there was a much larger gap- only about six chairs, but there were several side-tables struggling under plethoras- no s- a plethora of magazines.nice vocab usage. Word of the day:plethora. I had checked them before sitting down to wait, about seventeen I hink you should say 15 or 20, because your average Joe wouldn't say 17. IT sounds a bit weird.minutes ago, but couldn't find anything of serious interesting in the golf and fashion editions sitting on the top, and felt a bit awkward when my rummaging through them created what seemed to be pandemonium in an another otherwise dead silent room. It was as if the hospital were already a morgue.
The man on the other side of that particular barrier seemed quite excited by the edition of Golf Today. His eyes moved with ferocity from page to page, and his rather large nose was hidden by a man in an exaggerated smile and pose on the front page. This last sentace is sort of awkward to read.
And the elderly man blew his nose again. I couldn't begin to imagine how self-conscious I would be, blowing my nose like the Queen's own trumpets. But the old man didn't appear to have any reservations, even in a room as thick with silence as this one. He had a sour expression already, so it was difficult to say. When the horns ended and he put his shaking hands back into his lap, he looked up at me, a bit more of an intentional glare in them. Whoops. Apparently, I'd been watching for too long again.
I quickly averted my curiosity to the clock. Two minutes and approximately forty seconds since I'd last checked. Almost twenty minutes then, since my appointment was supposed to have started.

Spoiler

If I did turn it into something more, it would be about some type or writer person thingy (hence the observations) who might have some sort of OCD or something. I dunno.

This is a very good story, and I think you could add on if you wanted. Keep writing!

~dragon

Right. Nit-picks first up.

The man blowing his nose was like a fog horn, shattering the early morning fog in the doctor's office. His hands trembled and his movements jerked, elderly frailty magnified by whatever malady had brought him here. I watched him for a moment before I remembered myself, and tried to casually shift my gaze, as if I hadn't been staring in the first place.

In that first sentence, the two fogs seem very repetitive. The second time you use it, perhaps you could replace it with quiet instead?

His hands trembled and his movements jerked, elderly frailty magnified by whatever malady had brought him there.

Maybe this would have worked better as 'His hands trembled and his movements were jerky, his elderly frailty magnified by whatever malady had brought him here.'

I knew I shouldn't have scheduled my appointment so obscenely early. Now the doctor would be forced to differentiate between my actual condition and my morning zombie-ness.

I know you use obscenely rightly, but its use just sounds so...strange. Then again, perhaps it's just my personal opinion.

The room was still quiet, seating only six people right now, all sitting appropriate distances away from each other. I had a four chair barrier to my left, where I stressed looking woman in a business suit sat.

The room was still quiet, with only six occupants all sitting appropriate distances away from each other. I had a four-chair barrier to my left, where a stressed-looking woman sat in a business suit.

She'd been checking the time every two to four minutes on a rather masculine and clunky watch. I only knew because I'd been too.

The narrator had been what? Checking the woman's watch? Or their own? If the latter then this would have been more appropriate: I only noticed because I'd been doing the same thing myself.

To my there,

I think this is a typo. Did you mean to my right?

there was a much larger gap- only about six chairs, but there were several sidetables struggling under plethoras of magazines.

there was a much larger gap of about six chairs. If you put only, it sounds as if the narrator thinks the size is small. That is in direct contrast to: a much larger gap

I had checked them before sitting down to wait, about seventeen minutes ago, but couldn't find anything of serious interesting in the golf and fashion editions sitting on the top, and felt a bit awkward when my rummaging through them created what seemed to be pandemonium in an another otherwise dead silent room. It was as if the hospital were already a morgue.

You should get rid of the first comma. And:

serious interesting

Did you mean of serious interest?

And the elderly man blew his nose again. I couldn't begin to imagine how self-conscious I would be, blowing my nose like the Queen's own trumpets. But the old man didn't appear to have any reservations, even in a room as thick with silence as this one. He had a sour expression already, so it was difficult to say. When the horns ended and he put his shaking hands back into his lap, he looked up at me, a bit more of an intentional glare in them. Whoops. Apparently, I'd been watching for too long again.

And then the elderly man blew his nose again.

When the horns ended and he put his shaking hands back into his lap, he looked up at me, a bit more of an intentional glare in them.

When the noise ended and he put his shaking hands back into his lap, he looked up at me, a bit more of an intentional glare in his eyes.

I quickly averted my curiosity to the clock. Two minutes and approximately forty seconds since I'd last checked. Almost twenty minutes then, since my appointment was supposed to have started.

I quickly moved my curiosity to the clock.

Almost twenty minutes then, since my appointment was supposed to have started.

Is this: Almost twenty minutes then since my appointment was supposed to have started. and thus imply that the narrator has been waiting twenty minutes for his late appointment to start? Or that his appointment was just about to start? Slightly confusing.

All in all, I like this. I especially like how self-conscious the narrator and everyone (bar the old man) is, because that's exactly how people are in waiting rooms. Great story, and KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE

I know there will be some repetition in this, but hopefully it helps anyways...

The man blowing his nose was like a fog horn, shattering the early morning fog in the doctor's office. [This is good and an awesome way to start a story, but it makes it sound like there is fog IN the doctor's office. Maybe "quiet" or something along those lines would work. Also, "sounded" might be better than "was," but I'll leave that to your discretion.] His hands trembled and his movements jerked, elderly frailty magnified by whatever malady had brought him here. [Awesome sentence, in my opinion.] I watched him for a moment before I remembered myself, [no comma] and tried to casually shift my gaze, as if I hadn't been staring in the first place.

I knew I shouldn't have scheduled my appointment so obscenely early. Now the doctor would be forced to differentiate between my actual condition and my morning zombie-ness. [Haha. Love this.]

The room was still quiet, seating only six people right now, all sitting appropriate distances away from each other. [Something about the last part of this sentence seems a little off, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is.] I had a four[hyphen here, I think]chair barrier to my left, where I [typo? "a" rather than "I" stressed[hyphen]looking woman in a business suit sat. She'd been checking the time every two to four minutes on a rather masculine and clunky watch. I only knew because I'd been too. [This sentence should say "because I'd been doing that to." The way you have it now, it's a little confusing at first read-through.] To my there ["right" instead of "there," I assume you meant], there was a much larger gap - only about six chairs, but there were several sidetables ["side tables" is two words] struggling under plethoras of magazines. [Nice, but the last part sounds a little awkward - maybe "several side tables, each struggling under a plethora of magazines," as "plethora" is not actually meant to be used in a plural form] I had checked them before sitting down to wait, about seventeen minutes ago, [at first I thought this was weird, since a former comment was correct - normally no one would specify "seventeen minutes." However, because you've been checking the clock every two to four minutes like the woman with the clunky watch, I think it's okay - you probably would know the exact number of minutes. Also, this shows how slowly time is passing - like when I'm at work and I think, "Only one hour and thirteen minutes to go!"] but couldn't find anything of serious interesting ["interest" rather than "interesting," another typo I guess] in the golf and ["and" should probably be "or"] fashion editions sitting on the top, [no comma] and felt a bit awkward when my rummaging through them created what seemed to be pandemonium in an another otherwise ["in an otherwise" - another typo? I do this a lot when writing quickly...but I usually leave out words rather than adding them] dead silent room. ["dead" is superfluous, especially since the next sentence already brings in the dead quality of the waiting room by comparing the hospital to a morgue.] It was as if the hospital were already a morgue.

The man on the other side of that particular barrier seemed quite excited by the ["an" rather than "the," since it's a doctor's office I assume there are several editions of each magazine] edition of Golf Today. His eyes moved with ferocity from page to page, and his rather large nose was hidden by a man in an exaggerated smile and pose on the front page. ["with an exaggerated smile" would be better than "in" - "in" works with "pose" but not with "smile," separate this a bit if you can. Also, this whole part - this one short paragraph about another man - I understand you were talking about magazines a minute ago, but you related the other two patients to you - the woman is looking at the clock like you are, the old man is blowing his nose loudly in a room you don't even want to rustle paper in. This man, however, reading the magazine, seems not to relate to you at all and therefore stands out uncomfortably in the story. I'd scratch this paragraph, but if you don't want to then you can just pay attention to the first sentence in this particular comment.]

And the elderly man blew his nose again. ["and" is a little unnecessary, but since I do this all the time, I can't tell you not to... ] I couldn't begin to imagine how self-conscious I would be, blowing my nose like the Queen's own trumpets. But the old man didn't appear to have any reservations, even in a room as thick with silence as this one. He had a sour expression already, so it was difficult to say. [Difficult to say what? If he had any reservations? This is a little confusing.] When the horns ended and he put his shaking hands back into his lap, he looked up at me, a bit more of an intentional glare in them. ["them" meaning "his eyes"? You should probably say that...] Whoops. Apparently, I'd been watching for too long again. [strike "again"; last time you didn't gaze too long, because you caught yourself.]

I quickly averted my curiosity to the clock. [Maybe just your gaze...I know you've been watching the clock this whole time, but I don't think you're really CURIOUS about the time...] Two minutes and approximately forty seconds since I'd last checked. Almost twenty minutes then, since my appointment was supposed to have started. [comma after "minutes"]

Overall - okay, I know I had a lot of nitpicks, but overall I actually thought this was very good. It was relateable and also somewhat humorous, and if you were doing it for practice with setting and character, then I think it was awesome!

~Blue

Hey Persephoneia,

Seeing as your other reviewers have commented on grammar, I'll skip that bit and comment on bits like characterization, conflict etc.

Opening:

The man blowing his nose was like a fog horn, shattering the early morning fog in the doctor's office. His hands trembled and his movements jerked, elderly frailty magnified by whatever malady had brought him here. I watched him for a moment before I remembered myself, and tried to casually shift my gaze, as if I hadn't been staring in the first place.

I knew I shouldn't have scheduled my appointment so obscenely early. Now the doctor would be forced to differentiate between my actual condition and my morning zombie-ness.

First of all I'd like to say that I really liked this. It drew me in, I got a glimpse of where the MC was, and your characters voice really pulled through. This is by far the hardest thing to do when writing 1st person and although I think you could have improved on it...it was quite good.

And you also kind of grabbed my attention with the bit about the old man, I think the description is exceptional, and that it isn't too much. It brings a bit of spice to the story.

Plot: I didn't see too much of it. This was generally a girl just going in to meet her doctor for whatever disease it is that she has. You don't even mention what it is that is troubling her? I'm guessing since this is meant to be for character development this isn't really needed. It's very realistic everyday life made interesting. I like.

Setting: Your setting is clearly defined, and you paint such a picture of it that it's hard to miss. You also introduce two characters, my favorite being the annoying one with the cold which helps to build up the story. There isn't much dialogue, in fact there isn't any dialogue at all -I'd love to read how your character interacts with people around her. I also like your writing style.

Hope this helped.

P.S Write more of this type of stuff perhaps we can steal you away from poetry.

P.P.S There's only a hint of conflict, build on this.