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Chapter Four (Lucas)


There's always a period of curious fear between the first sweet-smelling breeze and the time when the rain comes cracking down. ~ Don Delillo

~~~

The lucid sky painted the ozone a delicate blue. With a blink, I stared into the silent clearance. The sun shined radiantly over the treetops, humming serenely. A beautiful day…too bad it had to be ruined…
“Are you ready?”
I spun away from the window as Liliah stepped down the angular stairs. Spider-like legs were introduced by dark denim shorts. Her chocolate hair fell over her shoulders in thick wavy locks. A yellow top hugged her thin curves, making her look as if she came out of some magazine. Smiling, her lips shined with gloss and she stepped up to me. Dark lashes blinking, studying me as if I had seen a ghost.
Liliah was attractive to say the least. Lips that dragged my attention by a lasso, round honey eyes that were both challenging and strong. If I didn’t know any better, I’d probably label her as one of those giddy girls that faked smiles and hugs. But there was glint in her that shook my perceptions.
“Hey, Luke…can we go now?” She asked when I didn’t reply.
It took me a second to rip my gaze off of her and walk out, stepping onto the patio. Keys jingled as she struggled to lock the front door. Really, this girl couldn’t do anything without a fight.
“Mom took the car since she had a check up with Dr. Morris today. So we have to go by bus…” She said something else but I lost track of her words. If her mouth were a fountain, she’d be sprouting out words left and right with no directional influence. She knew exactly how to irritate me better than anyone else.
We strolled silently towards the bus stop. Standing at the corner, not a single sentence was said. A few minutes later, we were greeted by the roar a heavy engine. Liliah boarded first, scanning her card twice and then grabbed my arm, tugging me towards some empty seats on the left-hand side. Honestly, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was getting used to the hand pulling.
She probably thought she was being courteous when she let me have the window seat. Plopping herself down, she gave a quick look at the grown man sitting a seat a few seats down, catching his eyes as they roamed up and down her silky legs. With a cough, she pulled the red purse over her lap and edged closer to me in an attempt to hide herself.
When I looked, she simply smiled. Why did she even want to wear something like that if she was going into a public bus? Who was she trying to dress up for? Without realizing it, I gave the man a hard glance, causing him to divert his eyes.
A deep yawn snuck its way out of my throat as my head found a place of comfort on the shaking glass window. I watched the passing scenery with a serene expression. Chicago suburbs weren’t exactly picture perfect but some of the torn houses and ancient buildings sang poignant songs as we passed them by. The more I watched them, the more I felt an unfamiliar attachment to them. Even though I had never stepped foot in this part of town. . .
When we arrived at the mall, we stood in the center of the shopping district. My fingers instantly eased their way into the pockets of my jeans. Piercing music and voices which belonged to a thousand shoppers rung in my ears as we trailed along the line of stores.
“Luke, should we get some new shoes?” The statement could hardly be considered a question any more than command.
I wanted to groan as she snuck into the elegant shoe store. The fragrance of women stood out as much as the collection of tall heels and shiny black boots. How girls managed to wear such uncomfortable shoes was a math equation I would never be able to solve.
I found Liliah in the last isle. She was sitting on a small bench with one foot bare and the other foot being forced into some sort of grey boot. After a minute of struggling, a grin eclipsed over her once stern mouth. Another minute later she was wearing both boots.
“What do you think?” She asked, looking at them and walking back and forth in a testing manner. She looked terrible. The boots were like elephant feet over her thin ankles.
She grabbed hold of my sourness and frowned. “They do look a little too big don’t they?” She instantly sat down and began to wretch the awful things off her feet.
I walked towards the back of the isle where a red boot was displayed. It was plain but had a nice curvy shape. My head tilted back towards Liliah who was stuffing the evil shoes back into the box and shoving them into the shelf with an unsatisfied pout. I found myself looking back at the red boots. They would have looked nice on Liliah’s slim legs…
A gasp escaped my lips as quick as Liliah’s words made it to my ear. “Oh, I like those.” She was next to me in an instant, studying the red boots. Her fingers ran down the skin of the soles and a smile crossed her eyes. She looked at me. “Should I try them on?”
I didn’t say anything.
She grinned and pulled out a box in her size. Quickly she slipped on the boots. These seemed ten times easier to put on than the elephant feet. They hugged her legs giving her more definition and the red seemed to match her skin and lips. Quickly, I took a second to close my eyes and take a breath with a gulp. My sister…
When I opened them back up, she was putting the shoes back into the case. “I really liked them.” Her hands hugged the box to her chest and she faced me. “Should I buy em’ or not?”
She wanted my opinion but I struggled to find my voice. It had been so long since I felt like talking to someone. To share my thoughts with another person, I wanted to experience that joy again. My lips parted but I was lost for words.
As if reading my expression, Liliah said, “You like them too, don’t you?” She bit her lip, trying to contain her happiness and I couldn’t help trying to hide the quiet smile that played with the corner of my lip. “Then I guess I should get them…how much are they?” She peered at the price tag and gawked. “That’s a lot. Luke, you have quite the expensive taste, don’t you?” She put the shoes back into the shelf with a frown. “It’s alright, I’ll save up some more and buy them later,” she added with a content smile.
She laced her hand around my arm and pulled me out the enchanted shoe store. I rolled my eyes and freed myself from her grasp. She was beginning to overdo it. Just because I let her hold my hand once didn’t mean she could claim my arm as her own. I wasn’t a toy for her to play with.
We stepped down the escalator and bumped into a familiar face. Hunter was dressed in some casual jeans with a stripped sweater and some blue polo shirt. His blond hair was sprayed neatly, flaunting his symmetrical face and piercing blue eyes that could easily make a girl’s knees tremble.
“Liliah,” he greeted with a surprised smile. Cocking his head, he faked a grin towards me. “Yo, Luke, sup?”
Too bad I didn’t acknowledge twerps who couldn’t put a little effort into stating sentences correctly. Thus, he was ignored. There were two other guys behind him. One was fairly tall with a small nose and the other guy was quite short with a round belly. Ah, the Alpha and his pack of two.
“Hunter!” I was quite annoyed to see that brainless grin extend over Liliah’s cheeks every time they met each other. She laughed, “What are you doing here?” She perked up and smiled at Hunter’s hooligans. “Hey, Bret! Hey, Timmy,” Liliah waved at the two. They smiled back at her, the tall one blushing slightly.
“Ah.” Hunter scratched the back of his head. “Guys wanted to check out some new shoes for the season.” He held up a grey plastic bag. “We were actually just on our way to the food court, wanna join us?” He shot a glance in my direction and then smiled at Liliah all so lovingly.
Hah, what a tool.
I was certain she was going to accept this favorable offer, but to my astonishment, she declined.
“Sorry, I actually have to fill in at the Diner after this for an hour or two, so I kind of need to get going right now.”
His shoulders slumped as he was taken over by depression. I was actually happy over his slight misery.
“Well, I’ll talk to you later, then,” Hunter said.
Liliah waved back and we began making our way towards the exit of the door. She was silent for a while but then spoke with a nervous crack in her voice.
“Sorry, I should have told you earlier.” Her fingers played in circles. “That I had to fill in at the Diner. I got a text from Sam while we were on the bus but I didn’t want to make you upset.”
It came up like word vomit. I couldn’t hold myself back from sputtering, “Why would that make me upset?” I even raised a brow.
Blinking, her eyebrows rose while her eyes widened. She halted, causing a confused look on my face.
“What’s wrong?” I added, practically sure that she wanted me to say something else.
“N-nothing,” she laughed. Her lashes flashed up and down and she bit her lip. “I just thought…well, that you’d think I was just doing whatever I wanted without asking.” Her sandals began walking again. “But you never talk to me…I didn’t know what you wanted or what I should do. So, I tried to make decisions for the both of us.”
I didn’t reply to her.
We continued walking in silence. My shoulders bulked as we exited the mall. The once bright day had been replaced with thick grey clouds that rolled over the clear sky. The wind moaned in my ears, rustling leaves across the parking lot.
By the time we made it across the street towards a park where our bus stop was, Liliah was shivering head to toe. With a sigh, I shrugged off my sweater and handed it to her. She should have had the brains to at least check the weather before deciding to dress up in such thin and tiny clothing.
A smile shined on her lips as she quickly snuggling into my oversized sweater. “Thank you, Luke,” she said, zipping it all the up to her neck. It freaking looked like a snuggie. I gave a soft smile before turning away from her.
Liliah was next to me in a second. “Do you want to swing?”
“Swing?”
She pointed to the corner of the park. There were four swings next to a sandbox and some blue and purple tube slides.
“Come on, let’s swing until the bus gets here.”
I sat on the black rubber. The wind made its way up my shirt and touched my chest, sprouting goosebumps around my arms. My feet pushed the floor and I motioned myself back and forth, feeling the cool air against my nose and cheeks.
Liliah swung sideways at first, almost knocking into me. But she set herself straight into a rhythmic swing after a few more tries. I watched her from the corner of my eyes. Her hair danced in the wind’s fingers as a broad grin stretched across her cherry lips. With a pink nose and rosy cheeks, she winked at me.
I smirked in return.
Letting out a breath of air, she let her swinging die out until it made small creeks as the rusted metal squeaked against itself.
“My dad used to take me here when I was little,” she said. “We used spent our weekends here together. He’d push me on these swings, watch me play in the sandbox, buy me lunch…” she whispered in a nostalgic voice. “I’m glad the park hasn’t changed much…”
I knew two things about Henry Everstone. One he was the sales manager at Royal Cup Coffee and passed away two years ago. Second, he was topic that was avoided. Dianne never mentioned much about him and this was the first time I heard Liliah say anything regarding her late Father.
“You must miss him,” I said.
Her sniff was cut short as she wiped her nose with the sleeve of my sweater. I had abolished all plans to take it back, then.
“He barely had time to spend with us. When he was promoted to sales manager, he had to take various business trips here and there. I was growing up and we didn’t have time to get closer, instead, we slowly drifted apart. I liked to do different things then, I wasn’t a ten year old anymore. He didn’t know what I liked. He didn’t know that my favorite color changed from peachy pink to raspberry red. He didn’t know I liked vanilla more than chocolate. That I watched PG-13 movies instead of G, It wasn’t his fault…” Her lips twisted as she tried to gain her composure. Blinking her eyes rapidly, she forced herself not to shed tears.
“It wasn’t your fault either,” I pressed. “People change, interests change, your perceptions change. You both were growing…but not together.” For some reason, the sadness in her eyes was something I wasn’t used to seeing and it bothered me. She always laughed, did weird, stupid things. Crying, I didn’t like seeing that.
Her round eyes found mine. A smile tugged the corner of her lips, sending a chill down my spine. “Thank you, Luke. Again.”
My chest clenched with her gratitude. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been thanked, let alone actually helped someone somehow. The warm feeling that arouse inside of me, I greeted it with open arms. Letting it shape a picture of ‘you’re welcome’.
~~~

When we arrived at the Diner, Liliah’s coworkers peered at us with wide eyes. Studying me and then her…and then the sweater which was large enough for people to think she didn’t have any clothes on underneath. Quickly, Liliah scurried behind the counter and disappeared in the back. She came back out as fast as she went in. “Luke, wait by the corner table, I’ll be done in an hour so we can eat and then we’ll go home.”
Nodding, I turned towards the empty table and cupped my palms under my chin, gazing out the large window. Little droplets attacked the shiny glass, sticking on like little bubbles. Liliah came back out in her checkered pink and blue uniform which consisted of a knee-length skirt and a button down shirt with a bow. Her hair was tied neatly in a ponytail, not a strand out of place. She wiped the table with a cloth and peeked at me, a weird smile forming on her lips before she looked away.
I pulled my attention back outside. The rain’s momentum had picked up and grey clouds overlapped the sky in thick cotton balls. The world had darkened and I thought for that second, why people liked the rain. Why it was perceived as something cleansing and pure. The rain couldn’t wash away your worries, nor could it make your day any brighter. It fogged your vision, played with your mind and locked you inside, like a prisoner.
I stayed there, watching the silver droplets flood the streets. Girls carefully watched their steps before crossing the roads. Men in black suits carried gloomy umbrellas over their heads as they ran along the sidewalk, in search of shelter.
Before I knew it, an hour had already passed when Liliah came towards my table.
“Finally, we haven’t eaten all day,” she groaned. Placing two plates down on the table, she went back to get a few drinks and a salad.
I leaned over and push the end of my fork into the green lettuce. Bringing the ranch and vegetables into my mouth and chewed.
“Gosh, it’s raining so much,” she muttered. Glancing at me she giggled. “Hey, you’ve got some ranch on your lip.”
I lifted a brow and wiped the corner of my mouth with my thumb.
“Not that side,” she muttered. She let out an aspirated sigh and took hold of a napkin. Bending over the table she wiped the opposite corner of my mouth with a tender expression.
I gulped as the lighting flashed. A shadow flickered across my eyes as I watched that smile of hers spread across her lips. Thunder crackled in the sky, sending a shockwave of an unwanted memory into my head.
It was a cloudy day, like today. I was only five, maybe even four. I couldn’t remember. All I remember was the ebony atmosphere and the touch of pearly droplets on my cheeks. The orphanage doors were just a few steps behind me, waiting. My mother smiled back at me in a familiar tenderness as she handed me a blood red umbrella. Her voice and words were drowned in the song of the rainfall. I could recall the wrinkles next to her eyes, the mole on her nose and the beautiful smile that made the world shine even in the rain. But I couldn’t remember her entire face. She was a blur, like the rippling puddles.
Another snap of thunder pulled me out of my vision. I flinched away from Liliah’s touch. She slowly pulled her hand back with her eyes confused and worried. She tilted her head and frowned, “Is there something wrong, Luke?”
My heart raced, pulling and tugging the veins as if it was ready to tear its way out of my chest. With my eyes shifting back and forth, I realized why I disliked seeing Liliah. Why her presence bothered me. She reminded me…of someone I wished to forget.
Of all the people in the world…
_________________________________________________
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Last edited by Shearwater on Wed Oct 27, 2010 4:09 am, edited 8 times in total.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hey! :) Thanks for sending me a message! Ooh, I'm the first one to review! XD

She knew exactly how irritate me better than anyone else.

- Should be: She knew exactly how to irritate me better than anyone else.

I peeked at Liliah and I caught her staring me.

- Should be: I peeked at Liliah and I caught her staring at me.

Anyway, this one's another awesome chapter. Keep doing the good work! The poking of the back scratcher thingy and the wiping of the ranch were sweet and cute :) xD. But then, the ending, particularly the sudden flashback Lucas had was so dark and deep. Nice job :D

- Whisperer -
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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The poking part was brilliant. Seriously. I could see it happening - it fit Lhilia and Luke's personalities so much! I also like the mean edge Luke's thoughts take when it comes to Hunter. I love your style of writing!

I thought that you might've talked about the clouds and the rain too much in there, epsecially clouds - you mentioned them a lot in the beginning too, and that kind of bothered me. Beware of purple prose.

Other than that, I just loved everything. I adore this novel. If you ever publish it [and it's definitely good enough for that, in my mind], please let me know - I'd buy it at the bookstore! I think that it's honestly whole-heartedly good. You're doing great!!!
You revealed the memory in Luke's mind perfectly: I loved how he couldn't remember his Mom's whole face. How he thought he was reminded of his Mom [right?] because of Lhilia's tenderness. It's just a thought, but he might later on try to convince himself that he likes her because she reminds him of his Mom, that he doesn't like her as a woman. Though clearly he does. Giggle. Don't make them blood related!!! Please!!!
This was a great chapter!
Good job!!!
Ofir
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Thanks guys!
I totally didn't catch that I referred to the clouds over and over again until you mentioned it, Ofir. Thank you for pointing that out. I'll be sure it edit that soon.
I'm glad you liked it so far, your comments keep me going! :D
Hoorah!

~Pink
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Hiya Pink,

Sorry for the delay! Well, this was pure awesomeness. Seriously. I loved that Luke finally loosened up a bit and I can't wait to see them interact more. Haha, love his annoyance with Hunter, poor chap doesn't stand a chance and Liliah is totally oblivious.

Great chappy, have nothing more to add but I can't wait to read the next one.
Don't keep us waiting!
Tanya :D




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Hey Pink! Shubhi here again, as requested. Sorry it took me so late. I was having computer and laptop problems and a fever.

The sky was clear, painting the ozone a delicate blue.
This is a beautiful metaphor, but there's some problem with the way it has been constructed, so just check that out. As far as I know(and I might be wrong), we do not get to see ozone layer or anything related to it much from the earth directly at the level where we live. I might be wrong, as I have said.

She was wearing a yellow top and some jean shorts showing legs that could make a spider jealous.
It's the first time I have seen 'jeans' being written for the shorts. It should be denim, instead.

“You can’t go running around like that, you guys aren’t kids. This is a public place, please do not disturb the shoppers,” he warned, holding his hands on his hips.
Holding his hands on his hips? Well LOL. It should be holding his hips with his hands or something. This just confused me. I didn't understand what you meant by this.

Little droplets attacked the shiny glass, sticking on like little bubbles.
Such a beautiful line. :)

Why they thought of it as something cleansing and pure?


I must say that this was yet another beautiful chapter from your kitty, and it is sure to be another of the Featured Works.
The way you write is so cute and it sometimes reminds me of the first part of Twilight(though in a good sense). You also write fast, and post quickly and that's the best thing I love about you. Other people keep their projects hanging, but you don't. :P

Now it has some more punch to it, and according to me every story is good if it has some suspense and surely you have some.

Just one advice: I know that Lei's mother is not the main character or anywhere near it, but don't you think you can develop her, too. I mean, we don't know anything more about her except for the fact that she is a widow, and has adopted a son. What does she do? How does she exactly look like? What are the aspects to her nature?

Also I don't know much about Lie's looks too and it would eb great if you could bring that on.

Your commas have certainly improved and there were no mistakes now, at lest I couldn't spot many. So good work on that. I still though find that Leiliah's character is very weird sometimes-her own PV doesn't show her that bubbly nad all while Lucas' POV shows her completely opposite. Maybe you can work on that, as otherwise readers would doubt the originality of the characters.


I don't have much to say, so I would say 'bye'.

See you,
Keep Writing.

~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Thank you, Shubs!
I went and edited the things you mentioned, except that ozone part. I know what you mean and I'm going to check up on that later >.< lol
Now that you mention it, I get what you mean about my character differences, I'll work on that. :)
Also, I was thinking the same thing, I'm trying to put in more of Lei's mom in the next couple chapters. Just to make her more realistic and all.
Thanks again, you guys rock! :D

~Pink
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I like your use of description, but at times I think it gets a little overboard and too flowery for my taste. These are the ones that jumped out at me in this chapter but there have been others in previous chapters.
PinkShearwater wrote:Music and voices that belonged to a thousand people rung in my ears as we trailed from this end to that end.

PinkShearwater wrote: All I remember was the ebony atmosphere and the touch of pearly droplets on my cheeks.


I really love Lucas. He's my favorite character so far. I love his voice and his personality. His descriptions of Lilah and the surrounding world make me smile. And he's super intriguing. I want to know more about him. I want to know why he doesn't talk much, about his past, and now I want to know about this memory he had.
Lilah has developed more in the last couple chapters and she's alright. I mean, she's a well rounded character and everything but she doesn't have the same level of intrigue and I'm not as interested in her and I don't like her as a person as much.
The mom, Hunter, and now Olivia are just sort of there for me. They don't do much for me because I don't know much about them and they're not as developed. If they're not main characters this isn't a big problem, but if they are, I'm sure they'll be further developed as you move along.

The plot is getting less intriguing from the first chapter. In that chapter conflict was immediately there and the reader wants to know what happens next. Now, it's kind of just moving along. There isn't any new conflict and no old conflict is being resolved. So I'd try to get some more conflict brewing.
But all in all, it's a good story.
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

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I thought this was another pretty great chapter. The chasing scene seemed a bit unrealistic to me- brilliant and fun, but not quite fitting for Luke's character. Again, the description felt unnatural and overdone to me in some parts- with description, it should add a lot to the story, but should be subtle. It shouldn't stand out.

Other than that, this was wonderfully penned. Nice job. c:

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Hey there, Pink.

I'm here to review chapter four for you. I'm actually on time today! :lol:

She was wearing a yellow top and some denim shorts, showing legs that could make a spider jealous.


Chicago suburbs weren’t exactly picture perfect, but they had feeling and some of the torn houses and ancient building sang poignant stories as we passed them by.


She then faced me with a grand smile and full-size eyes. “Don’t worry about it.”

I wasn’t…

:lol:

Letting out a sigh, she finally answered, “Macy’s is over there…Since it’s so close, why not just go?”


She dragged me there anyways.


I quietly tiptoed behind her and with one swift movement, I pulled the cap over her head.


It was a cloudy day, like today. I was only five, maybe even four. I couldn’t remember. All I remember was the ebony atmosphere and the touch of pearly droplets on my cheeks. The orphanage doors were just a few steps behind me, waiting. My mother, smiled back at me in a familiar tenderness as she handed me a blood red umbrella. Her voice and words were drowned in the song of the rainfall. I could recall the wrinkles next to her eyes, the mole on her nose and the beautiful smile that made the world shine, even in the rain. But I couldn’t remember her entire face. She was a blur, like the rippling puddles.

It's nice to hear a little bit about Luke's past. :) Also, you don't need the comma I highlighted in red here.


Overall

I really liked this chapter, actually. I would have to say that it's one of my favourite's. I think I'm actually going to struggle to find much to critqiue on this one, which is a good thing for you, but kind of annoying for me. :lol: I know that you'll be very happy to hear that Luke doesn't at all remind me of Edward Cullen anymore. His character's progressed a bit, in my opinion, and we've been able to see some other sides of him now. Nothing too big has happened yet, but I think that's okay. You're keeping me interested with your writing itself and I actually like how you're concentrating more on character progression than some flashy happenings. Your grammar and spelling, like usual, was very good. I found the odd minor error, but certainly not anything worth mentioning.

My only real critique for this chapter is strangely to do with the whether. You were describing it a lot. An awful lot. When you were describing the rain and the lightning, I could understand that because it was a connection with Luke's past. It was the rest of the whether descriptions that bothered me. Don't get me wrong, they were great descriptions. It just felt like there were too many of them and they weren't entirely necessary. A few other people have mentioned this, now I look at the other reviews. Well, they've mentioned that you sometimes use a bit too much description. I have to agree with them. It's not that your descriptions are bad, not at all. I simply feel that you could cut some of them out. The problem with using descriptions a bit too often is that they can simply make the story drag on a bit and sometimes make it feel boring. It isn't as much as a problem with you because the novel itself is a good one and the other aspects of your writing make up for it. I believe that you could get rid of some of the descriptions though, especially the whether ones. ;)

There is one more thing that bothered me a bit, come to think of it. It was when Luke and Liliah were chasing each other. It seemed as though his personality had suddenly changed or something. I can tell that you tried to do it subtly, but it still felt a bit sudden to me. In the previous chapter of Luke's POV, he seemed to more or less despise Liliah. In this chapter, it's like he's completely changed his mind. Him chasing Liliah around the store seemed weird to me, especially when he pulled a hat over her head. That was a bit too un-Lukeish for me. Him chasing Liliah was just about believable, but when he did that, it felt a bit unrealistic. You'd described him as being very reserved in the past few chapters. He hardly ever speaks at the moment, let alone grabs his adoptive sister and pull a hat over her head. Especially to then act as though it hadn't happened and become all distant again. Do you get what I mean?

Other than that, there's nothing else for me to mention here, I don't think. This was, once again, an entertaining chapter to read. I think that your characters are progressing well and I'm so happy that Luke reminds me nothing of Edward Cullen anymore. I think it's sweet and interesting that Liliah clearly reminds Luke of his mum. It's certainly a good aspect of his opinion about her. A few people have said that they are more keen on Luke than on Liliah. Although I do agree with them on that, I don't think it's a problem. Take my novel, for example. Hardly anyone likes Tori, (which is what I actually wanted) and she's the MC. As for Ollie, I've gotten the impression that quite a few people are fond of him. I personally think it's a lot more fun in a novel when one of the MC's is more popular than the other. It keeps things interesting.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Wifey, I'm home!! I mean, I hear for a review ;)

“Hey, Luke…can we go now?” She asked when I didn’t reply.
she

A few minutes later, we were greeted by the roar a heavy engine
think you're missing 'of' in there.

Without realizing it, I gave the man a hard glance, causing him to divert his eyes.
haha, go Luke!

They hugged her legs giving her more definition and the red seemed to match her skin and lips. Quickly, I took a second to close my eyes and take a breath with a gulp. My sister…
Very nice...

A smile shined on her lips as she quickly snuggling into my oversized sweater
snuggled?

Well, this was was pure awesomeness. I hadn't realised my eyes were nearly glued to my screen until my back screamed in protest. *sighs* I'm so glad you edited and reposted this; I love this story enough to reread and still smile as widely as the first time. Actually, more now because you've added to this story and it's wonderful. I'm addicted.

Off to the next!




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Hallooo, Ate Pink! Jashy here again to review. XD

But there was a glint in her that shook my perceptions.


“Hey, Luke…can we go now?” she asked when I didn’t reply.

Really, this girl couldn’t do anything without a fight.


Funneh! XD Poor, Liliah, unaware of Luke's mean thoughts. =P

This is just a suggestion:
“Mom took the car since she had a check up with Dr. Morris today. So we have to go by bus…” she said. She continued speaking...

A few minutes later, we were greeted by the roar of a heavy engine.


Plopping herself down, she gave a quick look at the grown man sitting a seat a few seats down, catching his eyes as they roamed up and down her silky legs.


What? XD Okay, I think that should be "sitting on a seat a few seats down..." Wow, I don't know how to fix that. XD
And ohh, that's creepy. =O But, pssh...LUKE TO THE RESCUE! XD
Even though I had never stepped a foot in this part of town. . .


“What do you think?” she asked, looking at them and walking back and forth in a testing manner.


It had been so long since I felt like talking to someone, to share my thoughts with another person; I wanted to experience that joy again.


She laughed. “What are you doing here?” She perked up and smiled at Hunter’s hooligans. “Hey, Bret! Hey, Timmy.” Liliah waved at the two.


“N-nothing.She laughed.


By the time we made it across the street towards a park where our bus stop was, Liliah was shivering head to toe. With a sigh, I shrugged off my sweater and handed it to her. She should have had the brains to at least check the weather before deciding to dress up in such thin and tiny clothing.


*sigh*

I smirked in return.


*dies*

Second, he was a topic that was avoided


"Father" shouldn't be capitalized here:
Dianne never mentioned much about him and this was the first time I heard Liliah say anything regarding her late father.


Her sniff was cut short as she wiped her nose with the sleeve of my sweater. I had abolished all plans to take it back, then.


MEAN! XD

When we arrived at the diner, Liliah’s coworkers peered at us with wide eyes.


Nodding, I turned towards the empty table and cupped my palms under my chin, gazing out the large window.


Two dependent clauses? Twas a bit confusing.

The world had darkened and I thought for that second why people liked the rain.


She tilted her head and frowned. “Is there something wrong, Luke?”


Luke's way of speaking is more vibrant than Liliah's, I don't know why actually. LOL His descriptions are far better than his sister's even though Liliah's more active. Good job. It's his characteristic; he's smart. =))

The chapter was short, but was cut at a part where you want to read more. I wanna read more! XD I've got nothing more to say actually. This was really, really good. Psssh...you're my Ate Pink. LOL Again, this didn't help. =| whyohwhywhywhy...


~~ Puppets ♥
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening