Graffiti Eternal

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This is a comparison of two pieces from the same base. One (the first one) is a rewrite that I'm unsure of. Thoughts?


Rewrite:
Spoiler
Graffiti stamped walls
sent love letters to the dead-
I wondered if the paint would bleed
into the riverside we stood by,
and if the declarations would fade,
paintspray by paintspray,
washed away unwillingly,
or if the cement rainbows could hold in
those memories of people I’d forever-not-know,
eternal tags and tracings
to be conquered only be some
whitewash and a bored man making a living.
Even then, they’d last on the brick longer
than I would on the earth.]




Original:
Spoiler
Graffiti stamped walls
sent love letters to the dead-
I wondered if the paint could bleed
into the riverside we stood by,
or if the cement rainbows could hold in
those memories of people I’d never know,
eternal tags and tracings
to be conquered only be some
whitewash and a man making a living.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1078
Reviews 9
Hi Coral! I love how you're always indirect in your poems. This one had me thinking.

My 2 cents:

Version 2
Graffiti stamped walls - should be hyphenated
sent love letters to the dead-
I wondered if the paint would bleed
into the riverside we stood by,
and if the declarations would fade,
paintspray by paintspray,
washed away unwillingly, - why unwillingly?
or if the cement rainbows could hold in - what are cement rainbows?
those memories of people I’d forever-not-know, - I think "forever-not-know" would be better as "never know" as in Version 1
eternal tags and tracings
to be conquered only be some
whitewash and a bored man making a living.
- I love these lines! They show how something that took so long to create can disappear so quickly.
Even then, they’d last on the brick longer
than I would on the earth. - I love this idea. But I find the lines too straightforward. Maybe you could reword them? Even so, they remind of a passage in an essay I read, which goes "In the greater scheme of things, it's these that remain--background and landscape to our stories. While it is us, the purported protagonists of our lives that barely survive."


Version 1:
Graffiti stamped walls
sent love letters to the dead-
I wondered if the paint could bleed
into the riverside we stood by,
or if the cement rainbows could hold in
those memories of people I’d never know,
eternal tags and tracings
to be conquered only be some
whitewash and a man making a living.


^ This one's shorter, but I think it would benefit from the addition of the last 2 lines from Version 2.

I love your theme! I always enjoy reading your stuff. Keep 'em coming!




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Gender Female
Points 8691
Reviews 180
Not in the mood for critiquing (then again, when am I ever in that particaular mood?). XD This was quite lovely, dear. Your poems have this delightful eclecticism (is that even a word?) about them; who would've thought that a poem about graffiti could be so beautiful? Good job, as always! *Likes*
You must be swift as the coursing river,
With all the force of a great typhoon,
With all the strength of a raging fire,
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.



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