Rollercoaster

This is just a little something i came up with at a carnival today

Enjoy!

“Are you sure you want to go on?” I asked her anxiously as the operator checked our lap bar.
“Yes, Daniel. You’ve asked me a million times.” She said, rolling her big baby blues in an exaggerated show of irritation.
“I just want to make sure. Your dad will kill me if I bring you back crying and swearing I dragged on the most traumatizing ride of your life.” I grumbled, trying to hold back a grin. I could never be irritated with her for more than a few minutes.
“Please keep all arms and legs inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride!” the operator said. The car lurched forward. I say her hand tighten on the lap bar, gripping it so hard her knuckles were white.
“It’s okay,” I murmured soothingly. “You’re going to be fine.” I put my arm around her, holding the bar on the other side. She scooted closer to me, and I couldn’t help but feel this would be worth it, no matter what, to have her so close.
“Look at the view.” I said as we crested the first hill. “Isn’t it great?” Her reply was lost as we rocketed downward, plunging toward the ground. Her fair hair whipped around my face and her scream filled my head.
As we flew down the second hill, the scream turned into a laugh.
I laughed with her, loving the feel of it, the sound of our voices mixed together with the howl of the wind. She smiled at me, a huge, ecstatic grin on her face. My heart melted like a snowflake in the sun.
The ride jerked to a halt, and the lap bar came up. I climbed out, with her on my heels. “Did you like it?” I asked, even though it was hardly necessary.
She turned to me, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “Can we go on again?”

“Are you sure you want to go on?” I asked her anxiously as the operator checked our lap bar.
“Yes, Daniel. #FF0000 ">You’ve asked me a million times.” She said To properly end the quote, change the period to a comma and make "She" lower case, rolling her big baby blues in an exaggerated show of irritation.
“I just want to make sure. Your dad will kill me if I bring you back crying and swearing I dragged on the #FF0000 ">most traumatizing ride of your life.” I grumbled Same issue with the quote here, trying to hold back a grin. I could never be irritated with her for more than a few minutes.
“Please keep all arms and legs inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride!” the operator said. The car lurched forward. I #FF0000 ">say saw her hand tighten on the lap bar, gripping it so hard her knuckles were white.
“It’s okay,” I murmured soothingly. “You’re going to be fine.” I put my arm around her, holding the bar on the other side. She scooted closer to me, and I couldn’t help but feel this would be worth it, no matter what, to have her so close.
#FF0000 ">“Look at the view.” I said Quote issue again as we crested the first hill. “Isn’t it great?” Her reply was lost as we rocketed downward, plunging toward the ground. Her fair hair whipped around my face and her scream filled my head.
As we flew down the second hill, the scream turned into a laugh.
I laughed with her, loving the feel of it, the sound of our voices mixed together with the howl of the wind. She smiled at me, a huge, ecstatic grin on her face. My heart melted like a snowflake in the sun.
The ride jerked to a halt, and the lap bar came up. I climbed out, with her on my heels. “Did you like it?” I asked, even though it was hardly necessary.
She turned to me, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “Can we go on again?”

Just a few minor grammatical errors there. Also, it's difficult to keep track of who's who in places. Maybe add in the girl's name here and there instead of always using "her"? Overall, though, it's great. The introduction was just enough to build a bit before cutting to the action of the ride. Your descriptions during the ride were great, creating the rushed, excited feeling of a roller coaster. You also did a nice job describing the narrator's feelings.

Keep up the good work.

I have but one burning question about this piece, and that burning question is "Why is the title misspelled?"

There is no separation between your author's note and the start of the story. This is confusing. Separate them somehow. I personally use --- as a divider.

Your dad will kill me if I bring you back crying and swearing I dragged on the most traumatizing ride of your life.

I believe you are missing a crucial word between "dragged" and "on".

denji has already pointed out everything else.

My heart melted like a snowflake in the sun.

This image came out of nowhere. Wind, screaming, then snowflake. What's the connection?

This was a cute little story, nice and short. The thing is, because it's so short, every single error stands out all the more. Fix those errors. That is all.

Hi Sierra.

I thoroughly enjoyed this. It was light and simple, and perhaps had a little touch of footloose and fancyfree, if you know what I mean.

I thought you captured a young child's excitement on a roller-coaster very well.

I won't nag you for proper dialogue punctuation as someone has already beat me to that, but it is important that you understand this.

There is one part that nagged on my brain for awhile:

She said, rolling her big baby blues in an exaggerated show of irritation.

Personally, I would eliminate the part that I bolded. I think it would sound much better if it was like the this (below):

She said, rolling her big baby blues in irritation.

Usually irritation is exaggerated, and that is my reasoning behind the suggested deletion.

Besides dialogue punctuation and that minor sentence, I really liked this piece.

Keep up the writing!

Lavvi