A Warm Break in Martha’s Vineyard -Chapter 1

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Author's Note: Hello everyone. I hope you enjoy this first chapter of my new novel. I know I enjoyed writing it. Please give me your expertise (:

The novel has a page so if you like it please join :http://youngwriterssociety.com/page.php?id=731

Kendra


As my dad pulled up to the Greens’ immoderate home I realized that my parents weren’t kidding. All the way here I had considered my parents raving about their friend Mark Green a bluff. Even as we sat inside our car on the ferry, I couldn’t help but think that my parents were taking me to Martha’s Vineyard. But not to stay with some stranger for a month.

Mark Green was a high school friend of both my parents. With her eyes gleaming, my mother had told me that he was a founder of a big computer thing – Her words, not mine. Unless it was Facebook or Microsoft then he wasn’t all that successful because I’d never heard of him.

The air that blanketed Martha’s Vineyard was the color of nickel in some areas and coal in others. Heavy with precipitation, it was difficult to breathe. Well, it was either that or my nervousness. Staying away from home was never a strong suit of mine. I never did the whole sleep away camp, although my parents encouraged it many times.

With what I assumed was a friendly smile, Mr. Green approached our gray Mini Cooper. My parents hopped out of the car to greet him while I took my time. I was in no rush to meet my host. Finally getting out, I lazily took my suitcases out of the trunk. In a heart beat Mr. Green had his hands around the handles of my two suitcases.

“Kendra we’re really glad to have you.” Mr. Green said peering down at me from behind his modern square framed glasses. With his chiseled jaw and gray, blue eyes he must have broken some hearts as a young man.

“Thank you,” I replied with my head bent.

Without anything to hold, I crossed my arms over my chest and walked up the coble stone path toward the house. I could hear my parents close behind having the time of their lives catching up with Mr. Green. At least someone was enjoying this.

Standing in front of the dark- stained front door was Mr. Green’s son, Robert. He was the spitting image of his father, except for his hazel eyes highlighted his features. Leaning against the door frame he looked like someone fit to be in GQ. I smiled at him and in return I got a half smirk while he rolled up the sleeve of his maroon cashmere sweater. Someone’s a little rude, I thought as I waited for my parents and Mr. Green in the foyer. The high ceiling and crystal chandelier made it look like a ballroom.

“Robert,” I heard Mr. Green say “Please take Kendra’s things and show her to where she’ll be staying.”

Robert stomped past me, my suitcases in his hands. I haven’t been here five minutes and I was all ready getting on someone’s nerves.

I quietly followed Robert up the winding staircase. Running my hands along the iron railings, I tried to compare this place to my own home. The carpet on our stairs definitely wasn’t lush red velvet, but instead a light tan that needed to be washed.

Turning the corner, Robert came to a white door with the words guest in a beautiful cursive writing. He opened the door, set my things on the bed, and left, slamming the door behind him.

“Thank you, I appreciate it.” I mumbled as I put my suitcases on the floor. I took a look around the room. The walls were painted an almost fluorescent white while the carpet was a shaggy purple fur. I walked toward a door on the right far side of the room. It led to a porch. I stood near the railing. The salty zephyr filled my nose as the wind rustled my hair around my face. I closed my eyes, letting the breeze calm me.

“Kendra?” I heard my mom call me. I walked back inside, the shaggy rug sinking beneath my feet.“Do you like it here?”

I nodded. “Yeah, it very nice,”

“Good, your father and I decided to leave today since there’s still time to grab the last ferry. Is that okay with you?”

I began to shake my head, but stopped. I could stay here. I wouldn’t always be with my parents. “Yes, that’s fine with me.” I walked over to the queen- sized bed in the middle of the room. I let myself fall on the comforters. Refreshing smells of lavender rouse from the sheets, making me want to bury my face in them. My mom took a seat next to me.

“You know I don’t want to leave you here, right? But it’s better like this. You need sometime off from home.”

I avoided her eyes and nodded. There wasn’t anything I could say to that. Mostly, because I agreed.

“Well,” My mom said standing up “I’d better get going, don’t want to be late.” I stood up and threw my arms around her neck. I took one last smell of the cheap perfume I’d gotten her for Christmas. Without me wanting them to, the tears that had suddenly begun pooling in my eyes fell.

“It’s okay, sweetie. It won’t be long before your home.” I nodded, desperately wanting that to be true.

Thank you for reading (:
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on" ~Robert Frost

My blog where I talk everything book related : http://booksarewonderfulmagic.blogspot.com/




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Kendra! I'm here to review, as promised ^^

Nitpicks

Unless it was Facebook or Microsoft then he wasn’t all that successful because I’d never heard of him.

Hah XD
The air that blanketed Martha’s Vineyard was the color of nickel in some areas and coal in others. Heavy with precipitation

Over here, I think you should take an extra minute to give a more detailed description of how the Vineyard looks like. It's the main focus, also the title of your novel, so I think it deserves a little more attention and love. lol Plus, I'm interested in seeing how it looks like, right now I'm just picturing a normal looking yard with a bunch of trees for some reason.

As my dad pulled up to the Greens’ immoderate home I realized that my parents weren’t kidding

I think there should be a comma after home.
In a heart beat Mr. Green had his hands around the handles of my two suitcases.

I think heart beat should be one word here. Otherwise it's looked at like a heart beating. Do you see what I'm saying?

except for his hazel eyes highlighted his features.

I think it sounds better if you omit 'for' in this sentence or change it to 'that' or something.
I nodded. “Yeah, it very nice,”

Period after nice. *It's very nice.
You need sometime off from home.”

Sometime is used in the wrong way here. *Some time.
Understand the difference between sometime and then some time.
“Well,” My mom said standing up “I’d better get going, don’t want to be late

comma after up.
Without me wanting them to, the tears that had suddenly begun pooling in my eyes fell.

Confusing sentence, lol.
***


Overall


I think you did a pretty good job for your first chapter, with wording and descriptions taken into consideration. On the other hand, there are still things we can take a second look at and improve on. I actually like how you jumped into main plot of the story without much info dumping on the family's past life or yadda, yadda. The beginning was charming, not as pulling as I would have liked but it was gradual and I did find myself interested in the story. Taking a look at Robert, well, I think you could have made their meeting a little more...unpleasant, lol. Work on stronger emotions between them, if they are going to be the main leads here, otherwise what you have is fine. Right now, he doesn't seem that important and he could easily be forgotten by the next chapter. Maybe you don't even need them to meet in this chapter, it can wait a little later, too.

Taking a second glance at your protagonist and her family there are a few questions that I have. Firstly, why again is she leaving home? I think you should have mentioned something about that in this chapter. Also, why is her family leaving her there with someone they've only known since High school? Your MC hasn't met Mr. Green before so staying in his home would be very awkward and weird. Yet, her parents are eager to leave her once they put the bags down in the room. I mean, shouldn't they at least stay a day or two to make sure she's comfortable there? I know my parents would be very paranoid if they had to leave me under someone's care.

Going back and looking at your punctuation and grammar, I noticed a few mishaps that I pointed out. Be sure to correct them and scan your work for future typos and errors of that sort. But, I know they can be hard to catch by yourself so I recommend having someone skim it for you or either read it backwards or something, that always helps me ^^
Anyway, I have a hunch that you spent some time on this. Am I right? Anyway, let's put those thoughts aside and look at this as a whole. Your protagonist's personality is still slightly vague but it's only the first chapter and I'm interested in seeing how she's going to react to her new home/surroundings.
PM me when you post the next ;)
Cheers,

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hey sorry for the delay.

imaginemymind wrote:As my dad pulled up to the Greens’ immoderate home I realized that my parents weren’t kidding.

A couple of things. First, I'm a big fan of really grabbing opening lines. You want to have something really awesome that's going to pull the reader in and make them want to read at least till the end of the paragraph. I think you have an epic sentence hidden in there :)
I don't really know what you mean when you say "immoderate home". Did you mean "immodest"?
"I realized my parents weren't kidding" sounds odd to me in an opening sentence. I think you should have more of an action. Like she pulls up and she felt her jaw drop or her eyes widened or something like that. I think it would make it more interesting and grabbing.

imaginemymind wrote: All the way here I had considered my parents raving about their friend Mark Green a bluff. Even as we sat inside our car on the ferry, I couldn’t help but think that my parents were taking me to Martha’s Vineyard. But not to stay with some stranger for a month.

Bold underline: I think "thought that" would sound better and then put "was" before "a bluff".
The second sentence confuses me a little. She's talking about the Green's home and now there's a switch to Martha's Vineyard. Where did this come from? What is Martha's Vineyard? Where is she? Where is she going?
The last sentence confuses me a little too cause it's a fragment. You could combine it with the previous sentence with a comma after "Vineyard" and taking out "but".

imaginemymind wrote:The air that blanketed Martha’s Vineyard was the color of nickel in some areas and coal in others. Heavy with precipitation, it was difficult to breathe.

I like the description, but it's also a little confusing. Air is usually clear. I'm picturing some kind of fog that lies over the grass and everything in the Vineyard. Is that was you're going for?

imaginemymind wrote: With what I assumed was a friendly smile,

This feels a little awkward to me. I think you have a couple of options. "With what appeared to be a friendly smile," "Mr. Green approached our gray Mini Cooper with what seemed to be his version of a friendly smile," something like that.

imaginemymind wrote:Finally getting out, I lazily took my suitcases out of the trunk.

The first part of this sounds off to me. I'd try something like "I slowly made my way out of the car and grabbed my suitcases..."

imaginemymind wrote:and walked up the coble ((cobble)) stone path toward the house.


imaginemymind wrote: his hazel eyes highlighted his features.

What features?

imaginemymind wrote:someone fit to be in GQ.

GQ? Is that a magazine? I'd just say "in a magazine" or "on TV" or something a little more vague.

imaginemymind wrote:“Do you like it here?”

This question felt awkward to me. I think "What do you think?" would be a better choice and then make Kendra's response fit more obviously.

imaginemymind wrote:It won’t be long before your ((you're)) home.


This is a good start. I'm definitely intrigued.
Character wise, it's still a little early to be really emotionally invested in any of the characters obviously but I'm intrigued. I want to know what the deal is with the son. I'm probably just making things up, but I feel like Mr. Green is hiding something or has some kind of secret. I want to know what the deal with Kendra is and why she's there and why her parents are just leaving her there. I think I have some ideas and some ideas as to what some of the plot will be but I'm probably completely off so I won't tell you my assumptions until it looks like they may actually be close to right :)
Same thing with plot. It's intriguing now and there are a lot of things I want to know that I'm sure will be answered in later chapters. I think you did a good job with introducing everything and getting things going because I want to know what happens next.
I think for future editing, I would try and read it over to yourself out loud. It will help catch some of those areas that don't quite sound right.
Let me know if you have any questions or need anything else and please let me know when the next part is up! :)

-Carly
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Ask me anything. Talk to me about anything. Seriously. My PM box is always open <3




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Hey!

I liked this a lot. I hope there's more!!




-Charlotte Grace-
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball




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I loved it! :D I can't wait for the next chapter!

Keep on writing!
~Book Person~
I won't run when the sky turns to flame
and I sure won't budge when the earth does shake
when the flood comes up, I will dance in the rain
'cause it's all the same to me




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Ooh, can't wait for the next chapter! Want to find out what happens!
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