Six Months Ago [flash fiction]

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Hey all! Wrote this a few days ago at night. Comments are very appreciated. Thanks!


It was November, and the trees spoke only in the language of the wind. The apartments, giant gray dustbins, no longer stuck out of place in a lush ocean of green; Nature's palette ran dry now, and the precious few drops of colour sang to the eyes in a perfect but bland AutoTune voice from discarded candy wrappers. He thought back to six months ago, when such offensive perfection could have been at least mentally replaced with the honest and sincere song of summer birds, but, as usual, no good came out of that.

He never came back to the same place twice, but after the first time, he came back the next day, and the day after that. The spot brought no particular luck - the park enjoyed popularity with dog enthusiasts as a walking area, and he enjoyed popularity with dogs as a barking target. Nor was the area remarkably beautiful even those six months ago, as the little pond that the park was so famous for could not be seen from here. The only water came during the rains, but even in the rains he would come back here, come back running and slipping into a puddle of mud. He'd fall, and always she'd laugh.

But it was not six months ago anymore. The complacent chats at a lazy Sunday afternoon, the contemplative walks around the little pond, the silly little secrets, the nice dinners, the big secrets, the confessions, the first kisses, and more - nothing remained. Everything was cast off, rotting on the ground like the piles of leaves below the moaning skeletons of trees. Such sound was so harsh to the ears, and harsher still to the heart. He listened close for the birds, to no avail. It was November, and the birds did not sing anymore.
Last edited by carbonCore on Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Absolutely beautiful. Detail put into it is maginficent, I can practically imagine it. And yeah, nothing that bad about it. Keep on writing spiffing stuff such as this




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yeah, this is some really great writing. I think its important to convey as much as possible without saying a lot, or at least saying the right things and I think this moves really well. The reader is left with things to think about because you didn't just explicitly state things.




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I agree that it's very well written, a great piece of descriptive writing. There's not much going on, so if this style kept up for much longer, I'm afraid you might start to loose the reader's attention. But as it is, I think you're safe in that respect.

One grammar thing-
The spot brought no particular luck - the park
shouldn't the space be taken out before the hypen? 'luck-' if so, then you need a few fixes. If it's not, I'm sorry and ignore that comment.

The apartments, giant gray dustbins, no longer stuck out of place in a lush ocean of green...
This line confused me. Are you describing the apartments as giant gray dustbins, or saying the apartments and the giant gray dustbins no longer stuck out? Because the first time I read it, it sounded like a description, and I couldn't see how an apartment could look like a dustbin, unless the roof caved in... maybe it's just me.
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien



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