Soles of Rhythm

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I remember stumbling upon my little sister one time, who was twirling and whirling around the backyard, eyes closed and mouth smiling, arms awkwardly held up. I was confused as to why she would do such a silly thing, dancing around like there was music, when there were just the birds calling and the other neighborhood kids playing out in the front.
“C’mon silly! We’re gonna play tag in the front!” She didn’t hear me, and kept up her dancing, bare feet flashing pale in the green green grass. I went over and poked her in the back; I had to make sure she knew or she’d sulk about being left out for the next couple days.
“Ruby! Don’t you wanna play? Alex and Peter came out and everything and you know how their parents are.” She turned to me, dreamy, as if she had just woken up.
“Hmm?” She smiled up at me, big brown eyes all wrinkly with happiness but a bit glazed.
So irritating; if she took any longer being silly, everyone would start without both of us. “They’re playing tag! Now come on!” I started running back to the door, intent on getting there in time.
“Oh, no, no thanks. I’m dancing right now. See you later though.” I stopped my turning inside and gaped at her.
“You don’t want to play? But- but, you always get so upset! You always play!”
“I am playing. I’m dancing to the music.”
“What music?”
“You can’t hear it?”
I strained my ears, trying to hear for the faintest song, a little snippet of an unnatural rhythm. Nothing.
“Nope.”
“Gosh, you must be deaf. It’s super loud.”
“I’m not deaf!”
“Well then you aren’t listening right. You gotta listen right to hear it.” I tilted my head like I saw dogs do, and listened as hard as I could. There were still birds calling and chirping, and one of them was squawking, loud and annoying. I could still hear the kids out in front, only now their yells were intermitted with even louder cries of triumph of TAG! I was too late.
“There’s nothing but the neighbors kids playing without both of us.”
She frowned for a moment. “Ohh, I’m sorry.” She face visibly perked up just a moment later. “Do you wanna dance too?”
I sighed. She obviously didn’t understand. “Ruby, there isn’t anything to dance to. There’s no music.”
“No, no, no, I’ll teach you the music. You’ll be able to hear it. Close your eyes.” I closed them. “Now listen.” Still nothing.
She grabbed my hands and started stepping around, and there was nothing I could do but blindly follow her. I peeked for a moment, and saw that her eyes were closed too. I hope that we didn’t fall over anything. And that mommy and daddy didn’t come to see us being so silly.
She kept on stepping around the grass, which was nice and cool under my feet, though it was getting a bit chilly. It felt nice after being so hot all day. We continued round the grass, and I kept on trying to listen for music, unable to hear anything, when I gave up. I let her lead me round and round, listening to our footsteps and studying the grass under each step we took, when I suddenly found it under us, in the rhythm of our feet and the ground.
Our hands slipped away from each other, and we spread far across the grass, feet moving together. I could hear them land in the grass as we leaped in twirled in unison. And I understood- I knew how easy it was to find that symphony you couldn’t hear with your outside ears, the melodies coupled with countless harmonies, in our movements and our minds and our hearts. And we danced and danced and laughed as we traveled worlds together, minds in other universes while our feet stayed right at home in our backyard, perhaps moving so much to make up for the distances we’d crossed. The squawks of neighborhood crows and the cries of unknowing children drifted away into lilting birds of another world, and the yells and calls turned into the boom of an orchestra. We heard nothing but the melodies of feet and earth and dance.




SO- this was written off of a prompt. It's not fantastic- I am fully aware. However, other than a full crumple-it-up-into-the-trash-can-and-start-anew I can't really think of what to change. Any suggestions/comments are helpful. c:

Thanks for reading.




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Hi there,
So I can't say I have the miracle cure for this piece, which I don't think is as bad as you seem to think it is. But one thing you could change is the bit in the beginning about Alex and Peter. We never meet them, we need to know anything about them, even their names; you could just say that the other kids are starting a game, or something. But here's another idea: there's not much about this piece that needs to be rooted in reality; I mean, you could strip away the backyard, the reference to parents, even the girls' relationship as sisters and be left with a little tale that could be anyone, anywhere, anytime. These types of stories are often better when they exist in a dream-place, if you know what I mean, than in any solid reality-based background. Give it a try, see what you think.
PM me if you have any questions.
-Aussie
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark




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I think it needs the reality in the background. It gives you the feel that when they dance they enter a whole other world.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.



Courage, my soul! Now learn to wield the weight of thine immortal shield...
— Andrew Marvell