Two Beeps, Two Dead

Author's Note: I had to write a scary story for my English class and this is what I came up with. Actually this is better because it couldn't be more than two notebook pages.. I know torture. Please review . Like if you like it .. Thanks & Enjoy

I focused on the steady drumming of my fingers on the keyboard. My eyes stung from exhaustion. I suppressed a yawn as I heard Sandra approaching me.

“Kaitlin, I think we should go. It’s Friday and I want to go do something fun. Plus, we have to go get ready for that Halloween party.”

I shook my head. “If I leave now then the newspaper won’t be out on time. I am not going to let that happen, again.”

Sandra gave a sigh walking toward the door, saying something about me having no life under her breath. I ignored her. I had fifteen minutes to finish too much work.

I had been so engrossed with my work that I hadn’t heard the door open. I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I nearly fell out of my chair.

“Hey, have you seen Principal Harold?” Mark Williams asked me. His sandy blonde hair was stuck to his forehead and his face was shiny with perspiration. I looked at the clock above the door; I was supposed to be done ten minutes ago. Just then I saw Rocio Piguero talking to an elderly janitor in a navy coverall. I shivered at the look of him, with his beady eyes and crocked mouth. Rocio turned from him and walked toward the classroom door. Her white t-shirt was covered in a rainbow of paints, as were her pants. With a timid smile she asked us if we had seen Principal Harold.

“No sorry.” I responded.

“Well, then I guess I’ll go keep looking.” Mark’s voice was laced with impatience. He had just stepped out of the room when there were two long beeps over the intercom. We looked at each other. Weird, from what I thought we were the only ones in the school, apart from Principal Harold and the janitors.

A raspy voice followed the beeps. “Two beeps means two of you die.” Silence.

I focused my gaze on Mark and Rocio. Mark’s already pasty features seemed drained of the little color they had, while Rocio looked like she didn’t believe it. And I had to agree. After all it was Halloween; this was just someone’s sick joke. I was about to start collecting my things when Mark fell to the ground with a thud. Dark, thick blood started pooling around him. Rocio and I flinched back. There was no denying it, he was dead.

I found it hard to breath. This could not be happening. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Mark’s body. From the corner of my eye I could see Rocio place a shaky hand over her mouth, her eyes wide. We had to get out of here.

Grabbing her hand I side stepped Mark’s body, but unfortunately one of my pink Converse stepped into the edge of the pool of blood. My stomache churned and I tried my best to swallow the bile that was rising in my throat.

With Rocio by my side we raced down the hall where there were a set of emergency exit stairs. I threw my body against the door, trying it to open it. It wouldn’t budge. I pushed with my hands, cursing under my breath when nothing happened.

Beep.

Rocio screamed. Before I could think of something else to say she started running toward the other end of the hall. I followed, but not before I saw the words won’t open in yellow paint.

I tried my best to keep up with her. My sneakers scuffed the floor, the rows and rows of mandarin – colored lockers becoming one big blur in my angsts. But I wasn’t fast enough. I could see the door closing behind Rocio just as I reached it. I heard it click into place. I tried to open it. Nothing.

Beep.

Dragging my eyes around the hall I took my next left. More lockers came into my vision and so did Principal Harold’s office. I was tempted to go and see what had happened, but I had a pretty good guess. Plus I didn’t have time. I tried my best not to imagine my fate like Marks.

I had just opened the glass door that hides the second floor stairs that led to the first when the lights went out. I swallowed the scream that bubbled in my throat. The big windows adjacent to the stairs gave me enough light to see.

I could feel sweat collect at the nape of my neck as I reached the first floor. I had taken the wrong stairs and ended up down the hallway from the school’s front door. I began to run. My heart beat against my rib cage and I tried to forget about the burn that filled my lungs.

I could see it. My freedom, my ticket to life. I reached my arms out in front of me. Something caught my foot and I fell, a mere couple of feet away from the door.

My body hit the cold dirty tiled floor hard. Getting on my knees I tried to ignore the sting that covered my body. I had just pushed the door open with the tip of my fingers when someone grabbed my foot. I screamed hoping someone outside would hear me. I turned a bit to see who the monster was.

The yellow paint on Rocio’s shirt seemed to be highlighted by the last rays of sunlight from the day. She tugged on my foot bringing me deeper into the foyer. Her face was malicious. I kept screaming, my throat raw now.

Beep.

“Game over.” The raspy voice said just before the rays of sunlight were blocked off by the closing door.

First of all, good suspense and great twist with Ricio being the monster. Very nice. I liked the detail. There are only a few things that I have to say.

imaginemymind wrote:[b]I focused on the steady drumming of my fingers on the keyboard. My eyes stung from exhaustion. I suppressed a yawn as I heard Sandra approaching me.

“Kaitlin, I think we should go. It’s Friday and I want to go do something fun. Plus, we have to go get ready for that Halloween party.”

I shook my head. “If I leave now then the newspaper won’t be out on time. I am not going to let that happen, again.”

Sandra gave a sigh walking toward the door, saying something about me having no life under her breath. I ignored her. I had fifteen minutes to finish too much work.

I liked how she was "saved." You might not have meant to do that or you might have, but the knowledge that Kaitlin could have been spared is ironic. I liked it.

I had been so engrossed with my work that I hadn’t heard the door open. I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I nearly fell out of my chair.

“Hey, have you seen Principal Harold?” Mark Williams asked me. His sandy blonde hair was stuck to his forehead and his face was shiny with perspiration.#FF0000 "> Why is he so sweaty? Why is he scared and Kaitlin isn't? I looked at the clock above the door; I was supposed to be done ten minutes ago. Just then I saw Rocio Piguero talking to an elderly janitor in a navy coverall. I shivered at the look of him, with his beady eyes and crocked mouth. Rocio turned from him and walked toward the classroom door. Her white t-shirt was covered in a rainbow of paints, as were her pants. With a timid smile she asked us if we had seen Principal Harold. #FF0000 ">Why does everyone want to know where the principal is? Kind of random.

“No sorry.” I responded.

“Well, then I guess I’ll go keep looking.” Mark’s voice was laced with impatience. He had just stepped out of the room when there were two long beeps over the intercom. We looked at each other. Weird, from what I thought we were the only ones in the school, apart from Principal Harold and the janitors.

A raspy voice followed the beeps. “Two beeps means two of you die.” Silence. #FF0000 ">Little confusion. Is the old, creepy janitor the raspy voice?

I focused my gaze on Mark and Rocio. Mark’s already pasty features seemed drained of the little color they had, while Rocio looked like she didn’t believe it. And I had to agree. After all it was Halloween; this was just someone’s sick joke. I was about to start collecting my things when Mark fell to the ground with a thud. Dark, thick blood started pooling around him. Rocio and I flinched back. There was no denying it, he was dead. #FF0000 ">I understand you didn't have much room but this is quick. Maybe you should check his pulse or he should let out a scream or something. Right now it's kind of hollow.

I found it hard to breath. This could not be happening. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Mark’s body. From the corner of my eye I could see Rocio place a shaky hand over her mouth, her eyes wide. We had to get out of here.

Grabbing her hand I side stepped Mark’s body, but unfortunately one of my pink Converse stepped into the edge of the pool of blood. My stomache churned and I tried my best to swallow the bile that was rising in my throat.

With Rocio by my side we raced down the hall where there were a set of emergency exit stairs. I threw my body against the door, trying it to open it. It wouldn’t budge. I pushed with my hands, cursing under my breath when nothing happened.

Beep.

Rocio screamed. Before I could think of something else to say she started running toward the other end of the hall. I followed, but not before I saw the words won’t open in yellow paint.

Dragging my eyes around the hall I took my next left. More lockers came into my vision and so did Principal Harold’s office. I was tempted to go and see what had happened, but I had a pretty good guess. Plus I didn’t have time. I tried my best not to imagine my fate like Mark#FF0000 ">'s.

I had just opened the glass door that hides the second floor stairs that led to the first when the lights went out. I swallowed the scream that bubbled in my throat. The big windows adjacent to the stairs gave me enough light to see.

I could feel sweat collect at the nape of my neck as I reached the first floor. I

I could see it. My freedom, my ticket to life. I reached my arms out in front of me. Something caught my foot and I fell, a mere couple of feet away from the door. #FF0000 ">I liked this. Great suspense.

My body hit the cold#FF0000 ">, dirty tiled floor hard. Getting on my knees I tried to ignore the sting that covered my body. I had just pushed the door open with the tip of my fingers when someone grabbed my foot. I screamed hoping someone outside would hear me. I turned a bit to see who the monster was.

The yellow paint on Rocio’s shirt seemed to be highlighted by the last rays of sunlight from the day. She tugged on my foot bringing me deeper into the foyer. Her face was malicious. I kept screaming, my throat raw now.

Beep.

“Game over.” The raspy voice said just before the rays of sunlight were blocked off by the closing door.

Okay, summary.
I liked it. You only forgot a few commas and apostrophes which I showed you. A few parts were a little rushed but that is understandable with only two pages. That is really all I have to say about that.
Keep writing. Megsug

Heya

I love scary stories, so I thought I'd review this for you. There's actually an October contest going on right now where you have to write a short scary story. I think Snoink's hosting it... It shouldn't be hard to find. You should consider entering this in it or something. It's worth a shot! xD

I focused on the steady drumming of my fingers on the keyboard. My eyes stung from exhaustion. I suppressed a yawn as I heard Sandra approaching me.

There's nothing wrong with this beginning, but I think that you could come up with something a bit more exciting, maybe? I think that opening lines in scary stories are especially important.

I shook my head. “If I leave now then the newspaper won’t be out on time. I am not going to let that happen#FF0000 ">, again.”

You don't need this comma here.

Sandra gave a sigh, walking toward the door, saying something about me having no life under her breath.

“Hey, have you seen Principal Harold?” Mark Williams asked me. His sandy blonde hair was stuck to his forehead and his face was shiny with perspiration. I looked at the clock above the door; I was supposed to be done ten minutes ago.

Before this, I thought this was based in your MC's house or something. Whether it's just me being dumb... I don't know. I'd suggest that you mention her being in school or something near the beginning though, just to make sure you make the setting completely clear.

“No sorry#FF0000 ">,” I responded.

We looked at each other. Weird#FF0000 ">. From what I thought we were the only ones in the school, apart from Principal Harold and the janitors.

A raspy voice followed the beeps. “Two beeps means two of you die.” Silence.

This seems a bit too to the point for me. Play with words a bit. Hint that these two kids are screwed, but don't literally say that they'll die. Hinting, not telling, is key in scary stories. That's what makes them creepy.

I was about to start collecting my things when Mark fell to the ground with a thud. Dark, thick blood started pooling around him. Rocio and I flinched back. There was no denying it, he was dead.

This all seemed a bit sudden to me. Show the kid suffering... xD

I found it hard to breath#FF0000 ">e. This could not be happening. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Mark’s body. From the corner of my eye I could see Rocio place a shaky#FF0000 ">, hand over her mouth, her eyes wide.

I'd like to see a bit of conversation here as well. Make your characters talk to each other. Some guy literally just collapsed and died in front of them. Surely, they'd have something to say? Even if you just make them scream or something.

Grabbing her hand I side stepped Mark’s body, but unfortunately#FF0000 ">, one of my pink Converse stepped into the edge of the pool of blood. My stomach#FF0000 ">e churned and I tried my best to swallow the bile that was rising in my throat.

But I wasn’t fast enough. I could see the door closing behind Rocio just as I reached it. I heard it click into place. I tried to open it. Nothing.

Great use of short sentences here!

I had just opened the glass door that hid#FF0000 ">es the second floor stairs #FF0000 ">that led to the first when the lights went out.

This sentence was phrased awkwardly, so I edited it a little bit.

I screamed#FF0000 ">, hoping someone outside would hear me.

She tugged on my foot#FF0000 ">, bringing me deeper into the foyer.

Overall

I'll begin with saying that word limits are horrible! I personally suck at sticking to word limits, so I understand what you meant when you said you hated the fact that you only have two pages. Although you had quite a tight limit, I thought you used it well and effectively. What I noticed you doing very well in this was creating suspense and tension with short sentences. You used them at exactly the right times. When your MC was trying to escape the school, for example. You also used them well, making them create a good atmosphere in your story. Your physical descriptions were also very good and vivid. You described Kaitlin's emotions well and I liked the way you described her in the running scene.

One thing I will suggest is that you add more dialogue. I know that it's a hard thing to do because of that darn word limit, but you should maybe consider it. There's really only one area where I think you could do with some dialogue because when Katlin's trying to escape, I doubt she'd be talking! I'd like to see you using more dialogue when Mark dies. How do the girls react? Some guy has just dropped dead right in front of them. I don't expect you to make a full on conversation between them, but maybe make them exchange a few words. The problem is the word limit, especially considering you need to leave a line between each new set of dialogue. Therefore, it takes up more space. I think it is something you should consider though.

Annoyingly, the only other suggestion I have for you also clashes with the limit you have. I'd basically like to see Mark's death described in a bit more detail. I know, I know... two page limit. What I'd suggest for you to do is to maybe cut out some of the unnecessary details and replace them with a more detailed version of Mark's death. The description of the janitor, for example. Was that really necessary? As far as I'm aware, he didn't play any vital parts in the story. You don't have to delete that part exactly, but do you understand what I mean? Find any parts that you don't think are 100% necessary to the story and delete them. That way, you can replace them with details of other, more important things.

Negatives aside, this was a good read. I would definitely consider entering that scary story contest, if I were you. I hope that your teacher likes the story. I'm sure she will!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hello! Ok, here we go!

“If I leave now then the newspaper won’t be out on time. I am not going to let that happen, again.”

I don't think you need the comma before "again".

I had fifteen minutes to finish too much work.

I like this line, because I've been there plenty of times. I just like the way it sounds.

Just then I saw Rocio Piguero talking to an elderly janitor in a navy coverall. I shivered at the look of him, with his beady eyes and crocked mouth.

The first time I read this, I thought that the MC shivered at the look of Rocio, not the janitor. Try rewording this paragraph so that's more clear who you're describing when.

Weird, from what I thought we were the only ones in the school, apart from Principal Harold and the janitors.

Maybe reword this to "Weird, I thought we were the only ones in the school, apart..." because I think it just has an easier flow to it. A lot of my critique is personal opinion, so feel free to not change anything I suggest.

A raspy voice followed the beeps. “Two beeps means two of you die.” Silence.

Ooh, creepy. I like it. After that, you had an extra space between the paragraphs. I don't know if you meant to do that or not.

Dark, thick blood started pooling around him. Rocio and I flinched back. There was no denying it, he was dead.

Ok, this is interesting, but their first reaction should be more panicky than that. Like, if I heard that on the thingy, and I didn't believe it and then someone dropped over dead, I would be screaming my head off. Like there should be more shock and fright here. Make the audience feel it. The next paragraphs are good, but make the first reaction as emotional.

I followed, but not before I saw the words won’t open in yellow paint.

Where is this written?

I was tempted to go and see what had happened, but I had a pretty good guess. Plus I didn’t have time. I tried my best not to imagine my fate like Marks.

What had happened where? In the principal's office? Be a little more specific, please. And it should be "Mark's" instead of "Marks".


Ok, so first, I was a little confused. Was it Rocio the whole time, or was she turned against the MC to save her own life? And how did the first boy die? Like, what caused it? Also, the beeping is really creepy, I liked that, but I think only use a beep right before someone dies, so that it makes it more ominous than just randomly beeping the whole time.

This was really good. I was definitely creeped out. If you just fix a few things, and make it a little more clear what happened, I think this will be fantastic. Keep it up!