Jinxx (working title)

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This is something I've been working on lately, but I'm not sure if I will continue it. Should I continue the story, or move onto something else?


I ran through the seemingly endless alley, struggling to hold onto my breath. Streetlights clicked off as I approached them, making the moon my only adversary. The gravel slid beneath me, gravity forcing my body to the ground. I scrambled to my feet, the world spinning around me. All the lights within my sight were completely black, not a glimmer shone on the alley. It was useless, I was trapped.

Rain softly pelted the rooftop as I tossed in my bed. My alarm had announced that somewhere, beyond the blanket of clouds, the sun hid from its duty. I thought about how nice it would have been to stay there all day, to waste my life in my dream home. But I forced myself from the warmth of the covers, over to the mirror that hung from my wall.

Every morning I began the same routine. I combed the knots from my stringy blond hair the part favoring the left side of my head. I pulled a navy blue hoodie over my tee-shirt, and slipped on my mud colored tennishoes. The faded jeans I’d fallen asleep in the night before would just have to do. I skipped the makeup the other girls insisted I wore and slowly opened the bedroom door, trying to be quiet as possible. As I’d expected, Mom was sleeping off her hangover on the living room couch. A miller light can lay open on the floor. The once white carpet, singed from years of cigarette ashes, some ours, most not, was now a musty gray. Our light green walls, where family photos should be hung, sat bare. Memories where simply ghosts to haunt us, to make us wish to go back, to relive our most precious moments. The TV was turned on, but “mute” glowed a bright blue in the upper corner, so the only sound was the constant patter of the rain outside. I retrieved a decently clean rag from the kitchen counter, dampened it with warm water, and forced it down on the brown spot. I left it there, hoping it would clean most of the stain, and that Mom would realize why it was there, or even better, not notice. I slid through the front door, ignoring my stomach’s demands for breakfast, walked down the stairs our apartment and into the cold, wet, city streets.

The rain fell harder with every step I took, the water seeped through my hood. Only a few trees stood along the cracked sidewalk, most of them were bare; leaves no longer grew in the barren city. This street was always dead at this time, only the occasional stray dog proved it wasn’t completely abandoned, but today it was eerily quiet. I contributed this with the rain. A pit bull ran across the street, a common sight around here, and ran straight toward a tall, brick apartment complex. A few moments after it disappeared, a horrid screech rang through the air, yet oddly, no barking followed. When the dog, which I recognized as the same one to bare his teeth at me every morning, darted from the side yard of the apartment complex, not even slowing down to notice me, I allowed myself to be swallowed by curiosity.

The building stood about five stories tall; the deep red bricks were nearly black for the rain. The weeds stretched up to my knees as it trudged through them. A rusty fire escape hung solemnly from the wall, and from the one of the higher landings, a small white patch hung off the side. It yowled a sound that could have come from the depths of Hades. I threw my backpack into the wet grass and hurried up the stairs, pretending like it was actually a safe thing to do. I was out of breath by the third flight of steps, but I kept going as the rain pelted me in the face. Every time I hit one of the landings, my feet nearly slid out from under me, and twice they did. I finally reached the place where the patch of white fur dangled helplessly. Its eye’s widened as its paws slid slowly from the vibrations of my footsteps. They shone bright amber from fear, its claws scraping the metal as it let out another cry for help. I lifted the small white cat, only moments before it would have hit the hard landing that await it below. Its claws dug into my hoodie as its body trembled from shock and cold.

The cat’s eyes flashed a deep purple as it pressed its shaken body against my chest. It struggled from my grip and leaped through a broken window of an empty apartment. I stood there, unsure of what’d just happened. The rain was thrashing down on my head, but I didn’t notice. The world seemed to melt around me, my mind in a haze. I walked over to the window where the cat vanished, pushed my head through the hole and pressed my hands against the ledge. Broken glass pricked my fingers, yet I wouldn’t pull back.

The inside of the apartment is dark; the only thing distinguishable is an old, tattered recliner. Nothing that hints where the strange animal went. I don’t know how long I stood there, letting my eyes unfocus, my breathing slow to a near stop. I’m not sure why I let the broken shards dig into my fingers, or why I can’t remember feeling the sting until I looked away, and how my hand was coated with blood. An ear splitting thunder suddenly broke my trance, suddenly pierced my hand with a horrid pain, and made the whole world blurry.

I sidestepped my way down the stairs, letting the rain clean my cuts. I found myself glancing over my shoulder every few seconds, thinking I’d heard steps behind me. I kept glancing around keeping my eyes peeled for that cat, but I wasn’t sure why. When I’d made it down the stairs I found my bag in the weeds, which by now was soaked and felt a ton heavier. I slung it over my shoulder and trudged the rest of the way to school trying to ignore everything that just happened.


#BF0000 ">I slid my tongue over the soaked pelt that clung to my body. This form was a disgrace, a true embarrassment for someone of my power. It repulsed me that my lord and master found this a fair punishment. I knew of the surface world and its constantly changing climate, but never had I experienced it. My realm was never bothered by the annoyance of rain. Nor did the chilled wind ever blow through its depths in the many millennia I’ve paced its stone hollows.

And this constitution I’d been forced to posses, so fragile, so mortal. The thought of the word caused a hiss to slip from my lips; simply instinct of this form. Having to fear that your every move may shatter bones. And being focused to pertain to the laws of gravity and the limits of earthly possibilities. These claws could not even pierce the flimsy metals of human creation, where mine would slice through diamond on my weakest of days. The vision of this form is horrid. Green and purple, two colors that I knew only as myth, were my only sights.

But the inhabitants of this kingdom are certainly the worst. Throughout my existence I’ve encountered creatures of night mares; I’ve conversed with demons man can never imagine, for the mere sight of them causes instant disintegration. I’ve sang to the screams of the weak and danced in the tears of the suffering, yet never have I been as degusted by such a people. Their reasoning was mere foolishness, their troubles so petty. Their ideals are senseless and unthought. Always there was new news of death and crimes; it forced me to remember my task at hand.

But the girl I’d targeted only moments before was a bizarre exception. I scented her, alone, lost in thought. A simple and unexpecting prey. The anticipation of a job began caused me to lose all sense. The rain had take me by surprised as I leaped out from my temporary home and caused me to slide off the edge of the stair way. I cursed in distress, but useless vocal cords limited my speech. My prey climbed to the summit of the building, and slowly came to me. I was at her mercy, something I’d never granted. I felt something I’d always caused from a distance yet never experienced, fear. I knew in a normal circumstance this child wouldn’t be any trouble to overcome, yet in my state I was powerless. I’d considered making the jump to the cold ground below, but I would have been at the mercy of my master, which is worse. I felt the cold metal shaking beneath her steps as I scraped my claws against the metal, sliding off the edge.

Then, as if nothing, the girl snatched me up tender hands, and cradled me against her warmth. At first I was simply to shaken to resist, but then I leaped from her grip, and through the broken window of my hideout. She did not try to detain me, nor did she chase after me as most children do. She simply let me free as I wished, and this compelled me even farther. She did come to the window as I had beckoned to her. I studied her, yet unlike most humans, she wasn’t easily read. Eventually I released her mind from my hold and let her be on her way, knowing that we would cross paths again, I would assure it.




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This is my first review, so i'll give my best.

Overall, the story seemed to have a mix with the context. The first part of the story introduced the reader to someone who ran away and ended up on an abandoned apartment. After that, there was a focus on the cat before things seemed to go on a new direction. There was a context on lordship, demons and finished off with a girl.

Not that it is a bad idea but there are a few problems...

Firstly, is the character. I didn't get a constant sense of his personality. the first part of the story led me to think that he was some rebel or wanted to escape his drunk mum and he ran away. That wasn't a problem but then he got a little complicated.
This form was a disgrace, a true embarrassment for someone of my power.


this sentence seemed to blur the first personality and after that, the character seem to take a new sense of personality. From someone who i thought had ran away to someone that change over a few paragraphs, that is something. unless however that it is intentional. The black color font indicated one context while the red indicated a separate one.


i think that a solution is to take it slowly. Don't rush into terms and try to slowly show the world. the first part was good since you showed a descriptive look on the setting. the second part was a little problem since there were a few times you told us of the context. You told us that the character converse to demon men, and the kingdom which to the reader was like a jack-in-the-box. this of course, you wantedto surprise the reader.

The last part i want to conclude was the girl. There was one paragraph dedicated to this figure and not so much was told except that the protagonist targeted her. This was a little of a cliff hanger since the story describe the runaway, apartment, kingdom and the...girl. Try to indicate the girl in the first part because it wouldn't be right-in my opinion- to introduce something new at the end especially if its important. Also when there were little clues on the first paragraphs.

Anyway, the main problem of the story is the structure of the context. And you need to think a little on how to show it slowly-but not too slowly.

Anyway, i am still wondering as to why the red font?

Anyway, hope my review help
Lain Iwakura: If you're not remembered, then you never existed.




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Why is the first paragraph bolded? It doesn’t stay consistent with the rest of the story, since this ‘running’ part seems to be from the cat’s point of view, and you put that in red later on.
My suggestion? Write the girl’s POV normally, and italicize the cat’s POV. Also, you should consider cutting that bolded paragraph, since it could be confused with the girl’s POV or as her dream before she wakes or something like that.

The cat’s eyes flashed a deep purple as it pressed its shaken body against my chest.

The inside of the apartment is dark; the only thing distinguishable is an old, tattered recliner.


I’ve brought these two sentences to your attention because they are in different tenses. “Flashed” is a past-tense verb, “is” is a present-tense verb. Shifting tenses like this is never good, in fact, it’s a big no-no for absolutely any literature piece. Except, maybe, poetry, but poets bend the rules all the time in that genre anyways.


Another point of your writing is that the prose, while vivid and composed of good imagery, is redundant, drawn-out and overpopulated. Cut half of the description and put more of a solid storyline in.
Secondly, you put too much ‘mystery’ in this story. Why is she ever drawn off the path? Why does she stare into a window and cut her hands without realizing it? I understand that you later explain it away as the cat’s physic powers, but she seems to take it too calmly.
My suggestion is to put more of her emotions into it, open her up to the reader. Emotions of confusion at her actions, of fear of falling, weariness at her mom’s state, things like that, you can figure it out.

I noticed one sentence that I liked a lot, but you could have made a little more clear.

I felt something I’d always caused from a distance yet never experienced, fear.


I think you should have:

I felt fear, something I’d always caused from a distance yet never experienced.


I really think moving ‘fear’ upwards a little bit would help it so much.

Anyways, hope I helped. Keep writing!
Jenthura.
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Hello ScreamAndShout. This will be my tenth review so I'll try to do as best as I possibly can.

I'm under the impression that the first paragraph that use put in bold was a dream. If this is the case, I suggest changing the bold to italics. It would come across as more natural that way and one would not have to question it. Italics usually symbolize thoughts, dreams, flashbacks, and things of that sort.

I combed the knots from my stringy blond hair, the part favoring the left side of my head.


Memories where simply ghosts to haunt us, to make us wish to go back, to relive our most precious moments.
The word I put in bold should be "were" not "where". When you say "where" you are symbolizing a place. For example, "Where did I put my phone?" or "Where is that pencil?" It asks a question reffering to the place in which you put an item. However, when you use "were" it also asks a question but not pertaining to location. It also shows what something is. For example, "Were you going out tonight?" or, in refrence to the quote, "Memories were simply ghosts to haunt us, to make us wish to go back to relive our most precious moments." You also don't need the second comma. You could either just remove it entirely or replace it with the word "and".

I retrieved a decently clean rag from the kitchen counter, dampened it with warm water, and forced it down on the brown spot.
What is the brown spot excatly?

I slid through the front door, ignoring my stomach’s demands for breakfast, and walked down the stairs our apartment and into the cold, wet, city streets.


It yowled, a sound that could have come from the depths of Hades.


An ear splitting thunder suddenly broke my trance, suddenly pierced my hand with a horrid pain, and made the whole world blurry.
In the sentence, the word "suddenly" becomes repetitive when used so close together.

...yet never have I been as degusted by such a people.
By "degusted" could you perhaps have meant to say "disgusted"?

At first I was simply too shaken to resist, but then I leaped from her grip, and through the broken window of my hideout.


Now that my little nit picks are over, I've just one last thing to say pertaining to grammar and corrections. You ofter tell the reader what is happening opposed to showing us. I found that you say things like "I did" or "she did" and that lacks description. Though your description and imagery is very well in some parts, others it lacks. I suggest reading through it once again and touching up a bit on the parts that are a bit rusty. Now, it is actually fine the way it is. This is just me rambling a bit. You don't have to do anything you don't feel compelled to do.

This was very interesting to read and I found myself astonished when I started to read things from the cat's point of view. I enjoyed this more than I thought I would. I find myself wanting to know more about the "cat" and where she came from. My thoughts at the moment are that she was once a demon who got in trouble and was banned to the mortal realm from a certain amount of time. If you do choose to continue this, please find a way to inform me so that I can come to read it again. Yes, that is all.


Ta-ta.
It's that feeling in your heart; the empty void this song brings back and those memories that temporary fill it. We cry because we have to let it go while we still have those emotions back. Even if we only have them for a while.



I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear