Dear Someone.

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Natalie Stewart poured the remains of her Coke onto the sand, shaking out the last few drops. She pulled out a pen and some note paper. She leaned against her book and began to write. The wind ran through her hair, making it go any which way, her blue eyes focussed on the page, filled with worry.

Dear Someone,
I'm not really sure how to write a note in a bottle. I've read the Nicholas Sparks book, and seen movies where it's all about a ship sinking, and SOS. What I have to tell you is different. I love my little sister. When we fight I say mean things but I never, ever hate her. When you love someone, you cry when they do. You stand by them. In which case, I've cried a lot these few days. The school bus she was travelling on to go on a school trip to the zoo crashed. Nobody died, and some kids have been injured worse than Ivy. Ivy's broken her leg, wrist and she's lost a lot of blood. The doctors and nurses say that she'll pull through, no problem. That doesn't change the worry you feel when you see her get checked out, see her cry out in pain.
Everyone has to suffer, I know that. My parents and I, as well as her friends that weren't hurt visit regularly. After she got bandaged up, after transfusions, we were there with flowers and teddies. At night, when we have to go home to our comfortable and familiar homes, Ivy falls asleep in a cold, unfamilar bed in a hospital, surronding by the beeping that makes her sad and the smell that makes her nervous.
I'm writing this not to pull on heartstrings, but to get my feelings out. Writing it down is easiest, but I have to tell somone how I feel, or I may as well keep it bottled up. So thankyou Someone, for reading this, I feel much better now.

With gratitude,
Natalie.


Natalie rolled up the paper and stuffed it in the bottle. She tightened on the lid, and climbed up to the jetty, where she walked out as far as she could. Clinging onto a rail with her right hand, her left hand flung the bottle out as far as she could. She ran down the jetty, to her house a few blocks away, thinking of what poor Ivy would be doing now.

It was two o'clock on a Saturday. Daytime TV. Probably Oprah or something like that. Not what an eight year old watches. Not even fourteen year old Natalie. Ivy's not big on reading, only EJ12 and Magic Kitten. She doesn't have a mobile phone, and her DS is still at home.

Natalie flopped onto her bed and glanced at her textbook, whixh contains yawn-inducing maths homework. How could she want to do homework at a time like this? She looked at her bookshelf, her mobile, her textbook, then back to the phone. She was going to call Ivy.

"Hello?" Ivy answered, "this is Ivy."
"Ivy, it's me, Natalie. How are you?"
Last edited by Rebz :) on Mon Oct 11, 2010 5:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
Some Angels Are Destined To Fall.
Love Never Dies.




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Rebz :) wrote:Natalie Stewart poured the remains of her Coke onto the sand, shaking out the last few drops. She pulled out a pen and some note paper. She leaned against her book and began to write.

Dear Someone,
I'm not really sure how to write a note in a bottle. I've read the Nicholas Sparks book, and seen movies where it's all about a ship sinking, and SOS. What I have to tell you is different. One of my loves is my little sister. When you love someone, you cry when they do. You stand by them. In which case, I've cried a lot these few days. The school bus she was travelling on to go on a school trip to the zoo crashed. Nobody died, and some kids have been injured worse than Ivy. Ivy's broken her leg, wrist and she's lost a lot of blood. The doctors and nurses say that she'll pull through, no problem. That doesn't change the worry you feel when you see her get checked out, see her cry out in pain.
Everyone has to suffer, I know that. My parents and I, as well as her friends that weren't hurt visit regularly. After she got bandaged up, after transfusions, we were there with flowers and teddies. At night, when we have to go home to our comfortable and familiar homes, Ivy falls asleep in a cold, unfamilar bed in a hospital, surronding by the beeping that makes her sad and the smell that makes her nervous.
I'm writing this not to pull on heartstrings, but to get my feelings out. Writing it down is easiest, but I have to tell somone how I feel, or I may as well keep it bottled up. So thankyou Someone, for reading this, I feel much better now.

With gratitude,
Natalie.


Natalie rolled up the paper and stuffed it in the bottle. She tightened on the lid, and climbed up to the jetty, where she walked out as far as she could. Clinging onto a rail with her right hand, her left hand flung the bottle out as far as she could. She ran down the jetty, to her house a few blocks away, thinking of what poor Ivy would be doing now.

It was two o'clock on a Saturday. She couldn't watch TV, and she isn't really big on reading. She'd be sitting around bored, or trying to draw. Poor kid.



Wow, love the idea...the were you write
One of my loves is my little sister
i sounds like you love, love her if you understand what i mean.
Im guesing the end bit is about Ivy? why couldnt she watch tv? that makes no sense if they dont have a tv mention it.

Thanks for the good read!!

RIS!
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Hey there! :)

'tis mo. Here to review. :D

I thought this was really good. I really liked the whole idea of the piece. And I love the emotion you have put into the bottled letter.
My only nitpicks, are: that the beginning just seems a little stiff - maybe try a more emotional approach where you could include the look on her face etc. Or maybe written in the present tense would suite the piece a little better.
My only other issue is at the very end saying "poor kid". This makes me think of the narrator as a bystander - maybe a concerned uncle telling the story of his neice? - in which case I think you could give more of a voice to the narrator by maybe putting more emotion towards the girl throughout the whole peice in the voice of the narrator.

I hope this helps - I really enjoyed it. :D

Good job, and keep posting - PM me if you have any questions.

~Mo. :D
Mo. was here. :) mwahahaha




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This is really well written, I like how you gave this persons' feelings in a letter. It's nice, it's personal, it's cool.

1. I agree with rebilinsilence, you should definitely italicize the letter.
2. Also something that rebilnsilence said. The last paragraph, who's talking? If it's you it's about Natalie. If it's Natalie it's about Ivy. You might want to define who's saying that last paragraph.

Alzora
My kitty avatar is my minion. She sneaks everywhere and always tells me whats going on.
*kitty avatar sneaks up and whispers in my ear*
Oh... She says it is time...
*grabs you and puts you in box*
Perfect!




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Thankyou, constructive critism! Yeah, I'll edit it and make it more emotional in the last paragraph, and fixed up the 'one of my loves' part.

PS. Two o'clock Saturday = Daytime TV (Oprah, Dr Phil... A not-even-double-digits-kid watches them.)
PPS. I'll put that in.

#FF0000 ">~ Rebz
Some Angels Are Destined To Fall.
Love Never Dies.



I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor