Knowing Lilly Devwa - chapter one

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My phone jumped to life on my bedside table. It echoed loudly throughout my small New York apartment. I reached across and flicked on the brown faux lamp illumanting the room slightly. I scarmbled after the phone, trying to get at it before the caller left. I opened it and tried to seem awake.
"Hello my darling." The voiced squealed at the other end. "Darling, I got your application and you along with six other ladies have an interview today!" The voice was male but so camp he could pass for a woman if he tried. My brain registered what he was on about and who he was.
",Oh Mr Devwa, are you serious?" I replied almost apologetically for not realising who he was sooner.
"Of course darling, I do not lie. But," he screamed. "If you ever call me Mr Devwa again my pretty, you will be in very deep water. It's Lilly and don't forget it" A cackle burst from the phone.
"So my darling are you coming today or does Lilly have to make another call?" He asked in a sarcastic manner.
"Of course not Mr - I mean Lilly," I said with my heart racing.
"Good, be at the Helroy Hotel for nine fourty-five darling. Chow" He said before the phone cut off. I flipped my phone down.
"Bye," I said to myself.I sent the application off months ago to be a personal assistant for Lilly. The biggest name in fashion, he has the industry under his thumb. Working for my hero, I had wanted to work for him since I was nine years old and my mother went to that dreadful place she called the salon. I was forced to sit and wait and found myself looking at a magasine about fashion. It was full of women dressed in the most beautiful clothes and at the end a picture of him. Grinning. He was my goal from the on out. Blood was pounding in my head, it was all too good to be true, I expected to be woken by a car horn any second now . . . nothing. I sighed in relief.

I looked around my bedroom, which has been described in the brochure to have petit charm, it was just small. I was still in disbelief. My eyes met with the large clock on the wall, I still could not fathom why my mother bought me that for my 21st birthday. It was ten past eight. "What the -" I was cut off by the thought I had to be leaving in five minutes, I jumped into life and started for my wardrobe. I flung open the doors and immediatly went for the sleek red Gucci dress Uncle Andrew and Aunty David bought me for my birthday last June. I threw it onto my bed and fell to my knees to search for shoes in the bottom of the wardrobe. Aunty David's advice running through my head,
"Sweety for this buisness you can have all the qualifications you want, but if you don't have the shoes you can just catch the next cab home." He got me the application form. He was a journalist for Petit Moi, so he knew everything about the buisness. I pulled out some red three inch heels, that went perfectly with the dress. I got up made a sprint for the bathroom. time was money, quite literally in this case. It was going to be the biggest moment of my life and I sure was not going to miss it.
Last edited by retrodisco666 on Sat Oct 09, 2010 2:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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This was good. I didn't know what to expect by the title but that can be a good thing.

retrodisco666 wrote:My phone jumped to life before the sun had set up for the day. It echoed loudly throughout my small New York apartment. I reahced across and flicked on the brown faux lamp illumanting the room slightly. I grabbed my phone and flicked it open.
You misspelled reached. The sentence structure is kind of repetitive. Move some words around a little.

"Hello my darling." The voiced squealed at the other end. "Darling, I got your application and you along with six other ladies have an interview today!" The voice was male but so camp he could pass for a woman if he tried. My brain registered what he was on about and who he was.
I loved the character Lilly. I thought he was funny... even if you didn't mean for him to be :D .

"Oh Mr devwa, are you serious?" I replied almost apologetically for not realising who he was sooner.
How was she feeling? Is she fist pumping the air in triumph? Jumping up and down in exitement? She now has a shot at her dream job.
Devwa needs to be capitalized. I think Oh needs a comma behind it too.


"Of course darling, I do not lie. But," he screamed "if you ever call Mr Devwa again my pretty, you will be in very deep water. It's Lilly and don't forget it" A cackle left the phone.
You need to have a you before Mr. A comma needs to be behind screamed and a period behind it.
To me "A cackle left the phone." needs some work. I like the cackle but try a different verb like emanated. I just don't like the sentence as it is.


"So my darling are you coming today or does Lilly have to make another call?" He asked in a sarcastic manor.
"Of course not Mr - I mean Lilly," I said with my heart racing.
Manor means: the district over which a nediebal lord domain in western Europe or, in some cases, a mansion. Just in case you ever want to use that correctly. You mean manner: one's bearing or behavior.

I looked around my bedroom, which has been described in the brochure to have petit charm, it was just small. My eyes met with the large clock on the wall, I still could not fathom why my mother bought me that for my 21st birthday. It was quater past eight.
Period instead of a comma after charm and wall. You misspelled quarter. Does the sun really rise at eight? She got a shot at her dream job and she's staring at the clock... No excitement? None?

"What the -" I was cut off by the thought I had to be leaving in five minutes, I jumped into life and started for my wardrobe. I flung open the doors and immediatly went for the sleek red Gucci dress Uncle Andrew and Aunty David bought me for my birthday last june. I threw it onto my bed and fell to my knees. Aunty Davids advice running through my head,
Period instead of a comma after minutes and head. An apostrophe needs to be in betweed the d and s in David's. June needs to be capitalized. Immediately is spelled wrong. You might want to explain why you fell to your knees before going into what Aunty David says. Later you get a pair of shoes but it's kind of wierd at that moment without explanation. I like how you just assume we're smart enough to figure out Uncle Andrew and Aunty David are gay partners. I know it's nothing and it's kind of duh but still you didn't spell it out for us and I like it.

"Sweety for this buisness you can have all the qualifications you want, but if you have the shoes you can just catch the next cab home." He got me the application form. He was a journalist for petit moi, so he knew everything about the buisness. I pulled out some red three inch heels, that went perfectly with the dress. I got up made a sprint for the bathroom, time was money, quite literally in this case. It was going to be the biggest moment of my life and I sure was not going to miss it.
You need a comma after sweety. Petit Moi being a magazine or journal wouldn't it be capitalized? I'm not sure but I don't think there needs to be a after heels. You need a period instead of a comma after bathroom. "Time was money." is a sentence. I think an and goes up and made.
"But if you have the shoes you can just catch the next cab home"... that makes no sense. You're missing a word or something.



You had a lot of grammar problems, but we all do so no biggie there. I've never read a book on the fashion world so this sounds interesting. :) Keep writing.
Megsug
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This was better. I'm glad my review helped. One little thing. I can't help it! Scrambled is spelled wrong.
Megsug.
Last edited by megsug on Wed Oct 13, 2010 12:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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retrodisco666 wrote:My phone jumped to life on my bedside table. It echoed loudly throughout my small New York apartment. I reached across and flicked on the brown faux lamp illumanting the room slightly. I scarmbled Scrambled after the phone, trying to get at it before the caller left. I opened it and tried to seem awake.
"Hello my darling." The voiced squealed at the other end. "Darling, I got your application and you along with six other ladies have an interview today!" The voice was male but so camp he could pass for a woman if he tried. Camp? What do you mean there?My brain registered what he was on about and who he was.
",Oh Mr Devwa, are you serious?" I replied almost apologetically for not realising who he was sooner.
Ho is she feeling right now? GIve use some emotion. Is she scared, nervous, Jersey Shore Fist Pumping

"Of course darling, I do not lie. But," he screamed. "If you ever call me Mr Devwa again my pretty, you will be in very deep water. It's Lilly and don't forget it" A cackle burst from the phone.
"So my darling are you coming today or does Lilly have to make another call?" He asked in a sarcastic manner.
"Of course not Mr - I mean Lilly," I said with my heart racing.
"Good, be at the Helroy Hotel for nine fourty-five darling. Chow" He said before the phone cut off. I flipped my phone down.
"Bye," I said to myself.I sent the application off months ago to be a personal assistant for Lilly. The biggest name in fashion, he has the industry under his thumb. Working for my hero, I had wanted to work for him since I was nine years old and my mother went to that dreadful place she called the salon. I was forced to sit and wait and found myself looking at a magasine Magazine about fashion. It was full of women dressed in the most beautiful clothes and at the end a picture of him. Grinning. He was my goal from the on out. Blood was pounding in my head, it was all too good to be true, I expected to be woken by a car horn any second now . . . nothing. I sighed in relief.

I looked around my bedroom, which has been described in the brochure to have petit charm, it was just small. I was still in disbelief. My eyes met with the large clock on the wall, I still could not fathom why my mother bought me that for my 21st birthday. It was ten past eight. Alright, so, again you have some pretty choppy sentences, which disturbs your flow "What the -" I was cut off by the thought I had to be leaving in five minutes, I jumped into life and started for my wardrobe. I flung open the doors and immediatly went for the sleek red Gucci dress Uncle Andrew and Aunty David bought me for my birthday last June. I threw it onto my bed and fell to my knees to search for shoes in the bottom of the wardrobe. Aunty David's advice running through my head,
"Sweety for this buisness you can have all the qualifications you want, but if you don't have the shoes you can just catch the next cab home." He got me the application form. He was a journalist for Petit Moi, so he knew everything about the buisness. I pulled out some red three inch heels, that went perfectly with the dress. I got up made a sprint for the bathroom. time was money, quite literally in this case. It was going to be the biggest moment of my life and I sure was not going to miss it.



OVERALL

So, that was interesting. I'm kind of exceited to see what happens next.

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